I'm not who I thought I was.

Great message at church this morning. It was one of those where a LOT of stuff jumped out at me and I had to frantically try to note it all down. What stood out to me most though, was the verse below.

John 1:42 (NIV)
And he brought him to Jesus. Jesus looked at him and said, "You are Simon son of John. You will be called Cephas" (which, when translated, is Peter ).

Being a Christian that was raised in church is an interesting thing. You've heard the basics probably thousands of times, but as your life grows and changes, those basics take on new meanings and God reveals new insights. I heard this verse and immediately thought back to who I was 10 years ago. I was 20, in my junior year of college. I was in love with the image of the suit-wearing corporate life and had been for years. (I transitioned straight from lacy, pastel dresses covered in glitter and tulle to double breasted skirt suits. Power skirt suits.) I was dating a really sweet, artistic Christian guy and was looking forward to all the cute heels I was going to buy to match my suits.

Well, my first job in my field was with a very laid back company. Jeans every day. Suits only when going on site with clients. I thought that laid-back, jeans-and-tshirt corporate culture only applied to Silicon Valley companies like Apple and Google, but I was quite wrong. My first couple of business trips, it was fun to walk through the halls, towering in a dark suit, ankle length coat and leather gloves. My boss at the time told me repeatedly that I had the "look" and "walk" of a consultant. Well, it was fun...all of two times. The novelty wore off and suits just became uncomfortable. Business trips became burdensome (and I really haven't been on that many.) 

I prayed, for YEARS to be removed from this job. I didn't explicitly ask for a more corporate assignment, but deep down, that's what I wanted. I sit now, 10 years later, thankful that I never got sucked into the whirlpool of traditional corporate culture. I call it a whirlpool because it's not something you just step out of. It really is an uncompromising, all-consuming, distinct lifestyle. Your values change. Habits form. Which, incidentally, is what I think your 20s are about...establishing habits and standards of living. I'm thankful God has taught me to live a relatively minimalistic life. I never developed a taste for fancy cars (though I do have a natural taste for fancy food:), high end electronics or name brands. My life now is happily composed of weekend cooking projects, training Brazilian jiu jitsu, building an organization to connect China and the US my quiet job and the occasional international trip.

I don't want as much as I thought. Well...that's not true. My wants haven't changed much. It's more that they're quieter and I now know that the things I want don't make me feel half as good as I'd expected. At best, they give temporary comfort. At worst, they make me feel bloated...like I've eaten too much. But I know...that even years ago, God knew where my true happiness was. He knows my real name. He knows what suits me as an individual, and I know that the last few years have been about "purging" so many outside standards that I'd managed to absorb over the years. 

More politics...

I'm a pretty apolitical person. I'm not registered with any political party partly because I take issue with the concept of bi-partisan government. I believe too deep a focus on politics removes us from real change we can make in our real, every day lives. And especially the way things are going these days, I believe it's just another way for people to categorize and dismiss the nuances of the individual human beings around us. 

And that's why an email I received the other day really bothered me. It was a forward (gotta love 'em) supposedly listing changes to the 2011 tax codes that would plunge us into socialism. I gotta admit I was offended on multiple levels. Forwards are impersonal. Unless it's an invitation or notice of a birth or other event, I don't see the point of emails sent out with no real regard for who the readers are. It offended me professionally too. Tax information is readily available online. The email cited no information from the IRS website...no links, no citations, nothing. Misinformation is a scary thing and I know close to no one is going to go and verify what was stated. In the past, I've received similar emails from fellow Christians that have been proven to be outright lies told to prove a point. (I'm still not sure of the best way to handle those situations) What gets to me most though, is I know...I genuinely know why I receive these emails.

The senders were Christian, I'm Christian, and for whatever reasons, that means I must be a Republican and worship at the almighty shrine of capitalism (despite my chosen field of study, I'm not 100% sold). I get these emails pretty often from Christian...acquaintances. I can't say "friends". Anyone who's a close friend knows that not only am I not into politics, but also that I delete just about any email whose title starts with "FWD:" site unread. (Yes, that includes ones that declare that I don't love Jesus if I don't open them and immediately forward to my entire mailing list.) It's not just the emails to be honest. I've been invited to rallies, been shown Tea Party signs, all with the assumption of my agreement with the principles in question. And I know it's not just me. I've been seeing more and more blog posts and message boards posts from Christians dealing with the same issue. 

It kinda frustrates me. Not because people might disagree with me. That's part of life. Not even necessarily because of the assumptions made (though I do have to admit that does irk my nerves a bit). It gets to me most because I know this isn't what we as believers should be focusing on. I know that if it makes me angry, I'm distracted spiritually. I know it's wasting time and opportunities we should be using studying, helping and praying. I know it drives wedges between believers. Wedges that can be hard to remove.

"A goal inspired by God is a blessing, by man, a burden."

OK, so that's not an official quote (if there is such a thing). I just made it up. I'm not even sure if ALL goals inspired by men are full on burdens, but I'm definitely starting to see a trend.

I couldn't sleep last night (allergies have been insane lately), and figured it would be a good chance to catch up on my reading from A Slice of Infinity. The essays come in nice little emails to your inbox, but they're far from light reading even in the day time, let alone at 3am. Today's writing was based on Jesus and the paralytic in Luke:

"Which of the two is harder," asked Jesus, "to bring physical healing or to forgive a person's sins?"  The irresistible answer was self-evident, was it not? To bring physical healing because that would be such a miraculous thing, visible to the naked eye.  The invisible act of forgiveness had far less evidentiary value.  Yet, as they pondered and as we ponder, we discover repeatedly in life that the logic of God is so different to the logic of humanity.  We move from the material to the spiritual in terms of the spectacular, but God moves from the spiritual to the material in terms of the essential.  The physical is the concrete external—a shadow.  The spiritual is the intangible internal—the objective actuality.Yet we all chase shadows.  We chase them because they are a haunting enticement of the substance without being the substance themselves.  It takes a jolt, sometimes even a painful jolt, to remind us where reality lies and where shadows seduce.  Our Savior was so aware of this weakness within us that he often walked the second mile to meet us in order that something more dramatic might be used to put into perspective for us.


Now, I don't consider myself to be particularly ambitious, but I am very goal oriented. I wouldn't say I have any huge desires for success or achievement, but I do have focus and determination, both of which I believe are God-given. 


That said, some of the most stressful periods of my life have come from pursuing goals that I've "absorbed" from the world around me. Not just the obvious ones of things like education and home buying, but whole value systems that were programmed into me, and most other people, from a very young age by the world around us.  Lately, I've come to see (yet again) that all my planning and fighting, scheming and clawing, is pretty much in vain. God can do in a few simple steps (though they may take longer or be different from my plans) what would take me all the strategizing in the world. I found out over the weekend that I'm being considered for a leadership position that I would have never been able to negotiate on my own. Where did it come from? From keeping up something apparently small, something that annoyed me, something that was really starting to tire me out, but that God told me repeatedly and clearly not to let go of. I came very close to...it would have been the smart thing to do financially and emotionally and was the advice of a lot of people whose opinions I respect.


I have to remind myself regularly to just let go of my tangible little life, and focus on the intangible things that God's leading me toward. I've gotten much better at it, but still find myself clinging on occasion. 

Balancing blessings and ambition...

My life's gone through some interesting and subtle changes over the last year. I finished grad school, turned 30 and started a martial art (which I've always wanted to do). When I take a step back and look at my life, it makes me smile. I know I'm blessed...I have family that loves me and that I'm growing closer to in a time where families are drifting apart. I have a steady job with growing potential in an environment where people are struggling to survive. My life is financially sound at an age where most people are saddled with loads of educational and consumer debt. I have overall peace in a time when life is becoming more stressful.

Some of these same changes though, have wrinkles of discontent popping up in my head. I finished grad school...I don't know if we're programmed through education to expect grand-change every four or so years, but I feel like something big should be happening now. I feel like I should move. Also, my friends are moving away. My best friend moved away late last year. We didn't hang out a lot (we're both big inside people and talked a lot online), but it made me sad. It was definitely the best choice for her, and she's happier, but I miss her and it still makes me feel a little lonely...which is WAY rare for me. On top of that, another friend is thinking of moving. That just ads fuel to the "I really need to do something!" fire. On top of that, I'm at a point in my Chinese studies where, to become fluent (a big goal of mine), I need to spend some time immersed. I'm at a point in life where I have almost no commitments (aside from a job) and though I'm quite single, I still worry that if I don't go plop myself down in Taiwan right now, I'm going to end up married with children in the blink of an eye, tied down for twenty or so years and unable to explore that option for a very long time. 

On the other side of that coin, I have even more changes that have me wanting to settle down here, where I was raised. I have my "new" church...a great place where I feel I can grow a lot spiritually. This has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. There's also my Brazilian jiu jitsu school. I really love it there and genuinely want to stay with my instructors while I pursue a black belt (we're looking at 10+ years...easily). I'm making new friends, improving myself and for the first time in...maybe my life, I'm excited to see people that I'm not already long time friends with. And then, I have my roots. My family...immediate and extended are here and I'm at the point in life where I'd like to buy a house. Couple that with low mortgage rates and home prices and I feel pressure to move in that area.

Choices are a crazy thing. Mine are great ones to have...freedom and options...but being torn between personal ambitions and God's guidance has left me terrified of making a mistake in either direction. That concern though, I think is a reflection of how I view God. I think it signals that I see him, at least in part, as some great puzzle-master, throwing challenges at me with one choice leading to ultimate disaster and ruin. I know that's not true, but I don't think I believe it yet. 

Difficult People

Until recently, I had a very narrow view of who difficult people were in my life. Having worked in traditional office environments and traditional church settings, they were basically the people that did things that got on my nerves. Lately though, I've been broadening that definition, because honestly, a difficult person can have a negative impact on your life even if they aren't "out to get you."

What I've found most dangerous about all of these, is that their behavior and decisions can and have clouded my judgment in properly hearing and responding to God's guidance in my life. For me, they have all caused stress, frustration and sadness…emotions that have "clogged my spiritual ears" so to speak. Sometimes God wants you in a certain situation and it's entirely too easily fall back on the "bail" reflex because someone is making that situation uncomfortable. I've also had the opposite problem though. I don't like being forced to do things. So, for instance, when someone has tried to force me out of a situation, or said they didn't think I could accomplish something, I've dug my heels in deeper for the sake of my ego and drive, not God's plan.

 The Arch Enemy: We've probably all seen this person. They may be an outright bully. They may go behind your back. They may be a sociopath. In any case, they have a personal issue with you and make direct and specific efforts to get in your way or tear you down.

War Makers: This one took me most by surprise…or at least the impact it's had on my life has. I've always known that there were people who lived their lives differently than me. That's what makes the world interesting. I started to notice problems in two different situations though. First, when a person feels they need you to conform to their world in order for them to be comfortable or second, when you're forced into someone else's world because of association (work, church, community efforts, etc.) and the world you want doesn't jive with the world they're building. In this case, there isn't necessarily any hostility and neither party is necessarily wrong, but the scenario easily leads to either or both of you being a thorn in the other's side.

Trickle Downs: Very similar to War Makers, and for me, particularly frustrating. These are the people who make decisions in their lives, and those decisions then affect you. For me, this has most frequently shown up from people in power. Though I understand that life is often unfair, I'm a believer in the concept of servant leadership. I believe that leaders exist in part to help minimize inequity in the lives of their followers…so I find it offensive, even to the point of anger, when that responsibility is blatantly ignored solely to support the assumptions/needs that an individual might have.

I've found it useful to ask myself a few questions when my "hearing" starts to go...

1) Have you been falling off on your devotional time? Have you allowed your focus to shift?

2) Are your emotions reflections of tangible threats, or simply feelings unto themselves?

3) Are you ignoring the impact that people are having on you in an effort to make the problem more comfortable to solve? (This seems to happen most often with family for me)

4) Why are you feeling what you're feeling? 

5) When are you feeling what you're feeling? Is it at work? After church? Only when talking to certain people? Only when hearing about certain people?

Interestingly, even when the motivations weren't personal, my life was still changed. That's really gotten me over the idea that personal attacks are different, or worse, than impersonal ones…all have an impact on your life and a person's motivation really doesn't make much difference in the long run. Sure, most of us prefer to be liked, but if someone is causing confusion in my life because of mental illness, the effect is seldom much different than if they do it because someone hurt them in their past or if they just don't like my hair cut (though in each case, the response might be very different.)

Mate Hunting

Does God really need a church to get Christians together?

I've never been a big church dater, meaning I don't look to my church home as a dating pool...not for any reason of principle or high moral calling. I'm just highly anti-drama. Same thing applies to work and other activities. In-group dating just seems to go bad more often than not (kind of poses the question though...where DO I expect to meet men?) Even with the most mature people involved, there's a high chance that things can get awkward in the case of a breakup, or even a disagreement. That said, I've had a lot of friends who were regular church daters, many of whose relationships turned into marriages, so I know it can work for some people, it's just not a place I consider part of my standard dating pool.

I think part of the underlying reason though, is that I learned early on, that guys in church weren't much different than guys out in the world. I don't think this is true of all guys, or all churches, but it established a pattern for my dating life, which I believe built up to my first serious boyfriend. He was a Christian with many of the same core beliefs that I had, with whom I attended church regularly for the majority of our relationship. I met him through a Jehovah's Witness friend of mine who knew an agnostic friend of his. So yes, I wholeheartedly believe that God can bring his children together without the aid of a building. 

What I struggle with, is ignoring church as a venue for meeting a potential mate. Wherever I am, I tend to focus heavily on what I'm doing, which has left me prone to not recognizing the advances of a couple of men for what they were. I once was asked out for pizza after a Spanish group meeting and couldn't figure out why the guy was so nervous at the end...fidgeting his feet, playing with his hands and yet staring deeply in my eyes. I told some of my friends later and got a unanimous "you were on a date!" Oops. Didn't notice. I'm really...really bad at stuff like that. Unless a guy specifically uses the word "date" or offers to pay for a meal at a restaurant with a wait staff, I'm probably going to assume we're just two friends hanging out. 

Routine and Good Habits

As much as I love my various pursuits (languages, Brazilian jiu jitsu, cooking), I sometimes hit periods where my inspiration isn't as strong as others. I think these periods are important for allowing concepts to cement themselves, application and for reflection. At the same time though, these periods can not only be discouraging, but can also be gateways into inactivity and missed periods for growth.

I don't think our spiritual lives are at all immune from this issue. 

A few years ago, I was visiting my cousin in South Carolina. She took me to visit her Bible study group, and while I can't tell you what we talked about, one bit of advice stuck with me. The man who was leading it says that he read a chapter of Psalms and a Proverbs every night. It seems mundane on the surface, but each time I read through the book, I know God has revealed something new, or taken me deeper on an old concept.

My sleep schedule's been off lately (for various reasons) and I've been sleeping in until the last second before work. Result? Not doing my morning devotional. I've lapsed in the past, but having this small "habit" makes a huge difference in keeping me connected.