Helpmeets, helpmates and introvert burnout

It's been a rough week as an introvert.

We've had visitors at work, which means non-stop interraction...I'm talking from breakfast to lunch to dinner eaten with 27 other people...14 hour days with no alone time on top of presenting, presentations and discussions. I came home Friday feeling traumatized. Too beaten to even sleep. I seriously felt like I'd been assaulted at some internal level. I skipped the gym, fearing additional injury to a back that had been brutalized with 10 hrs of sitting and looked forward to a weekend of isolation...then it hit me Saturday night. Church. I felt panicked. The idea of bringing myself to talk and say hello again just felt like too much to handle. I prayed and mustered up the courage to go, which I'm glad I did, because it gave me perspective on the whole situation. The world of the corporate is really a modern day Charybdis from which I'm generally and thankfully sheltered. I forget sometimes how it can be. One week down, one week to go.

So yeah...the term "helpmeet"...never heard it until reading the comments of some of Mark Gungor's enthusiasts. It sounded a lot like "help mate", which I haven't really heard since the days in the church I was raised in., and honestly, it makes zero sense as a term unto itself. I've been meaning to get into researching the issue of gender equality in Christian marriage, so I had to do some digging.

From what I can see, it looks like it starts with a misunderstanding of the definition of the word "meet". In the phrase "a help meet for Adam", "meet" most likely takes on its second definition (English) which is equal to "fitting" or "proper", so you instead have "a help fitting for Adam". Makes much more sense.

That said, there's a lot of debate around what that word "help" was translated from and whether it even connotes a subservient position. You have the word "help", taken from the Hebrew "ezer"  which can translate to "aid", "protector" or even "defender", followed by "neged" which can mean "in front of" or "parallel to" or a few other things. Having studied four languages in my life, I'm well aware of where debates over translation can go and this one has some decent legs online (Google "ezer kenegdo). I'm not going to make an argument either way on a language I don't come close to understanding.

...I'm not 100% opposed to the idea of the man being head of household, and that's mostly because I'm a strong believer in the concept of servant leadership...a direct result of my business studies, work experience and most importantly because  of the example set by Jesus (you know...the guy who washed his disciples feet?). I've never been one to equate "leadership" with "dictatorship". Servant leadership is a concept developed by Robert Greenleaf and is summed up well here...

"The servant-leader is servant first… It begins with the natural feeling that one wants to serve, to serve first. Then conscious choice brings one to aspire to lead. That person is sharply different from one who is leader first, perhaps because of the need to assuage an unusual power drive or to acquire material possessions…The leader-first and the servant-first are two extreme types. Between them there are shadings and blends that are part of the infinite variety of human nature."
"The difference manifests itself in the care taken by the servant-first to make sure that other people’s highest priority needs are being served. The best test, and difficult to administer, is: Do those served grow as persons? Do they, while being served, become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous, more likely themselves to become servants? And, what is the effect on the least privileged in society? Will they benefit or at least not be further deprived?"

Greenleaf's book was required reading in a management symposium I took and I think everyone...yes, everyone, not just potential leaders, should read this. As a friend of mine says quite frequently "everyone's leading someone". On top of that though, you learn how to recognize those who are leading or want to lead to assuage and acquire. It's a good way to decide who's worth following.

The VP I work under now has been one of the best leadership experiences I've run across in my work life. I respect him and genuinely know he's on my side and will defend and protect my best interests (which he has consulted me on) when necessary. He's given guidance when he had insight and asked my opinion when he knew I had more experience in an area. I've been frank and open with him about my personality, concerns and fears and have been met with acceptance. He seldom tells me what to do...I say seldom, because I'm sure he has, but I don't remember ever actually being given an order...and I think that's because once a level of respect and trust has been established, his final say no longer feels like force.

Everyone in a household should be submitting to someone..children to parents, wife to husband and God, and husband to God and family. I'm always wary of any church, book, or, person that emphasizes the "help mate"/"head of household" teachings to the exclusion of a husband loving his wife as Christ loved the church. That emphasis, I believe reflects a bias that I have yet to see supported by actual Biblical teachings, and not just cultural extrapolations from ancient civilizations. While I don't think the Bible is totally clear on whether so called 50/50 marriages are the way to go, it is, I believe, quite clear, that all out domination is not the intended model. 

White Hug, Black Handshake

So it's time to shift this blog. I kinda knew it was coming since my Brazilian jiu jitsu blog has shifted recently too to more of a business focus.

I'd still like it to stay relatively focused, so I'm taking a step back from one topic that I think doesn't have much left for me to explore personally...singleness. Not that there isn't more to discuss, but I've come to a few "conclusions" that don't think merit too much more writing...

• God doesn't intend for everyone to be married, regardless of what family, national or church culture says
• The social and church focus on marriage flies directly in the face of the many Biblical examples of singles serving God
• Christians are just as susceptible to marrying for social, superficial and downright stupid reasons as non-believers, and we're subject to the same repercussions (though God can help you through)
• Neither status is inherently morally superior to the other and both offer special opportunities for growth
• We segregate too much
• Neither understands the other well and everybody needs to talk more 

In its place, I want to address race. Why? Because churches are insanely segregated (something I think is culturally based, but I think we as Christians should be able to grow past) and I have some unique experience in the area. For the past 25 years, I've been "the Black one". I now attend a predominately White church and went to predominately White, Christian elementary and middle schools. I hung out with some Christian groups in college and again..."the Black one". At the same time, I attended predominately Black churches for the first 25 years of my life, and got to see "the White one"...the converse of my experience...played out a couple of times.

Second "Why"? Because I've heard the whispers and comments and assumptions that easily could drive people away. Both groups believe their cultural take on Christianity is outlined in some unknown book in the Bible, and both go to extra effort to maintain those "scriptures", speaking their prejudices openly and alienating (sometimes I think intentionally) those that are different.

I've thought about it since I started this blog and while I didn't intend to write on race when I first started, I've always wondered how I would kick something like that off if I did. I figured...why not start with the first thing an outsider would experience entering a church? The greeting.

I think it's pretty common knowledge, but greetings (and the inherent personal space) are highly cultural. From contact-less Japanese bows (best greeting ever IMO...but I'm not a big toucher and am a bit of a germaphobe) to Latin kisses, they run the gamut. The tricky part? Perception and adjustment. If you're not used to contact, you will see higher contact cultures as invasive. If you're used to more contact, you'll see a group as cold and removed.

So yeah...the hug. If I'm wrong, correct me, but I don't think White Americans were always universally huggers. I'm sure there's some corner of the country out there that makes a habit of hugging people they've known for all of five seconds, but I'm going to say it's a relatively new development. I noticed it popping up in churches the same time I saw it in business (the day my CEO hugged me totally caught me off guard). I've accepted them as one of those things minorities learn to adapt to. Part of the whole "minority rights, majority rule" or "when in Rome" deal.

Just as I learned the cheek kiss during my days dancing salsa, I've learned to bow when visting my brother in Japan. Neither though, like the hug, will ever be comfortable or natural. I was raised in a Black family and a Black church, and hugs for me will always be reserved as a signal of familiarity...not necessarily deep, long-term or profound, but I still find it weird to hug someone I've never said more than "hi, how are you doing" to. When I started attending a Black church in Orlando during college, there were very few hugs because hugs are "special" for Black people (I'd dare to say even outside of the US). We're more handshakers until we've talked a bit.

So what's that mean? Nothing and everything. Religion and faith are highly personal and comfort is a big deal...but...

I read a piece a while back written by an organizational consultant who was called in to a women's organization who wanted to attract more racial and economic diversity. The consultant made suggestions about making meeting times that were accessible to women that worked. She recommended opening health and beauty discussions up to racially diverse products and health conditions that affected Black, Latina and Asian women. After acknowledgement of their validity and brief discussion, all suggestions were politely and softly rejected. Why? Because the board was concerned that their current members would inconvenienced and uncomfortable.

And that's what I think almost any discussion of race in the church comes down to. Comfort.

New people are uncomfortable walking into a strange church. Current parishioners are uncomfortable with demographic shifts. I've heard it all. "You know she's just here to get a Black man." "Every time I come there's more of them here." Statements of discomfort and fear of change. Since there is such a strong social component to church attendance, I don't think it's possible for an organization, or individual visitors to get past those issues unless the possibility of discomfort is accepted or even embraced as a component of Christian growth.

Batman, Bacteria and unBelievers

So the recent threat of a MRSA infection in my face, and subsequent trip to the ER, and even more subsequent isolation from the general population have given me a lot of time to:

1) Think about my faith, which...judging by my first night of freaking out, and subsequent relief at the reassurance of doctors/friends...is weaker than I'd care to admit.

2) Watch WAY more TV than normal

The recent financial issues of the world have produced all kinds of reactions in people and the people that lead those people and the people that follow those people...reactions that are very telling regarding the amount of weight people put on life on this earth.

I see it this way. Life...is kinda like college. The afterlife is like the "real world" (a term I loathe) and there are four groups of people.

• Those that study because they enjoy studying
• Those that study because they feel it will prepare them for life after college (I'm thinking this is where Christians are supposed to generally fall...Matthew 6:20 and whatnot.)
• Those that party because they enjoy partying, and figure everything will just turn out ok
• Those that party because they feel that college is their last shot at an enjoyable life, and they've got to get their jollies in while they can.

When I first thought about this, atheists and agnostics immediately ran through my mind as falling under the party category--then I realized a non-belief in God or a questioning wouldn't necessarily preclude a person from belief in a life beyond the one we know now and that it's quite possible to see many tenets of Christian behavior lived out in non-Christian lives. Of course, the transverse is also true...there are party elements in the behavior of many Christians too. As much as we condemn people for partying, drinking, gambling, sex, drugs, and whatever else is that really that much different than expending efforts to leave a legacy to grandchildren or establish a career reputation? Aren't they both just stocking up experiences/items for enjoyment in this world?

least horrifying picture of the newest Joker I could find

I think it's part of the INTJ package, but I frequently wonder why people do things...not just why they buy Honda over Toyota or sit in the front of the room as opposed to the back. I mean the large scale stuff. The stuff we invest their real time and energy into. (Working in a business environment, I find myself wondering more and more every minute of every day.) I'm at the point where I think that's about the only question that matters. Democrat? Republican? I don't care. I want to know what kind of America you envision. Livid about Casey Anthony going free? Not concerned. I want to know how you feel about child welfare in general.

That's the real difference between people, and I believe there are fewer people out there that do things "just because" than we would like to admit. I simply don't believe that most people are just dogs chasing cars. Most of us have an end game in mind, whether we admit it or not.

Christians and Job Burnout

 Yeah...so I think I'm officially suffering from job burnout.

A couple months ago I started taking some of those quizzes that seem to be everywhere online, and I tested moderate risk for burnout. I just took another one and I'm up to high risk. It's a little hard for me to believe because I've always associated the condition with working excessive hours (which I haven't been lately)...sure, that's one of the factors that contributes, but there are quite a few others (feeling like you make a difference, interest, feeling like you're part of a team working toward the same goal) that have been weighing on me lately.

Quizzes aside, I'm just tired of doing things. Not sleepy or physically tired...but my will is shot. I used to come home and immediately start my evening workout. I’d cook dinner then move on to some language studies. Next came my nightly 15 minutes of cleaning and that was my evening. I enjoyed it, it kept me energized, and I could watch Spanish news. My life wasn’t perfect, but the setup I had was nice.

Fast forward to today, more than a year after I finished business school. I fully expected to spend my days rested and ready to enjoy life like I did before I added school on top of a full time work schedule. Needless to say, that didn’t happen. I’m still careful to make sure I spend my free time doing things I enjoy…linguistic studies, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, cooking classes...but…it’s hard now. I find myself blanking out while sparring. I don’t want to practice my pronunciation. I find myself shying away from recipes that take too much work.

My first fear was that I was slipping back into the situational depression I believe I experienced in my first job out of undergrad, but that's not it either...I don't have even the slightest taste of the hollow hopelessness that came with that trip.

I thought that maybe I wasn’t sleeping enough. I never do honestly, but I decided to make sure I was getting at least 8 hrs a night. Strangely, I was still waking up tired, while on weekends, I felt fine after only six hours of sleep.

My next solution was a vacation. I took a week and a half around the holidays, hoping it would help from the traumatic introduction I had to my current assignment, but it was horrible. I spent the entire time short of breath, chest tight, checking to make sure my inhaler was close by.

So I ran to the internet to find some inspiration…some other Christians who’d struggled with the same issue. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t find much. It's kind of sad how little advice there is for Christians suffering from job burnout. Most of what I've seen mimics what you find on secular sites, replacing "your family and friends" with "your faith and relationship with God." Sometimes you find advice to find a new job, make your current work environment better or to determine what you need out of life.

I’m not going to complain too much though, because even looking back on job issues I've overcome only through faith and divine intervention, I can't find much advice to give others but the trite, and somewhat dismissive "pray about it" and "listen to God". A friend of mine currently going through cancer treatments said something to me recently...he mentioned how painful it was to hear people simplify what he needs to do to get through his struggles, even if they'd been through similar situations themselves.

***Update***
I've decided to turn my struggles into something more, so if you suffer through the same issues, check out my newest blog-venture that will hopefully help you out some.

I'm guessing a lot of authors out there are trying to avoid that. 

Being the good apple

Now, I'm all for showing love for jerks. Sometimes they're just misunderstood or hurt or confused...but what do you do when you're in a group and there's one person that's just... ruining everything by the sheer fact that they exist? I don't mean a personality difference or occasional conflict. I mean someone that absolutely obliterates any harmony and happiness a group or organization may have ever known. The kind of person whose venom no one seems to be immune to.

I just finished reading this blog on Psychology Today that addresses these "bad apples". Unfortunately, it doesn't give too much insight (in this post) on how to deal with them, but it does bring up a very interesting point.

"Conclusions - "Bad apples" are people who are internally conflicted. These internal conflicts tend to spread up to the level of the group, decreasing the groups' complexity, flexibility, and their ability to grow and adapt. On the more positive side, conflict resolution spreads as well, up from inside us and into our relationships, and down from our relationships to make us more internally flexible as well.

Implications - Expect conflict. Embrace it as a human condition. It is a means to our peril, as well as to our future resilience. And if you run into a bad apple, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!"

That little bold part? Crazy important for anyone that aims (or has) to function as part of an organization. It tells me that if you want to truly resolve conflict, it has to come from you, internally to do so at any lasting level. 

Doing the whole business jig for the past few years, I've had my share of conflict resolution classes and one thing they don't seem to reflect, is that conflict resolution, very much like breaking up a fight, means you're very likely to incur some personal damage for the sake of maintaining peace. Even if a person, like me, isn't very prone to internalizing direct verbal jabs or general animosity, remaining calm and stifling emotional reactions while swimming deep in highly emotional situations does take a toll. 

I've come to realize that God has put me into a couple of situations in my life to pay that toll. Someone's even told me to my face that I have a calming effect on people. I genuinely enjoy that I can be an aid in adding a little rationality and calm to situations where there seems to be so little. Over the long term though, I've found that it can become burdensome, with me eventually harboring resentment and anger toward those who allow the "bad apples" to flourish be they the bad apples themselves, or someone else. 

Hearing God's guidance when it comes to timing of my involvement in situations is particularly difficult for me...knowing when to show up (not just when it's comfortable for me or when I'm excited about something) and when to leave (not just when I'm tired...or after I'm too exhausted to carry on) requires a lot of listening, which in turn takes vigilance in my prayer life. 

Who are you at your office?

I've gotten a couple of reminders recently about what people remember about you as a coworker. People deeply remember hypocrisy. It makes you question everything a person has said or done. I think Jack Sparrow said it best..."you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest. Honestly, it's the honest ones you have to watch out for." People like consistency in behavior and saying "I'm a Christian" fills in expected behavior in their minds. We have a brand...it's been skewing toward the crazy, bigoted and abusive in the US lately, but it's still a brand.  

A coworker and I were sharing stories of people at work who weren't what you initially thought and she recounted one of her previous jobs where a man at her office who spent a large amount of his time on the job doing duties for his church (an issue akin to theft unto itself) was caught with a meth lab in his house.

It's very similar to another situation where a coworker was an open church goer, consistently manipulated and used people in the office to get what she wanted. I've heard it brought up twice. "And she's in church every Sunday."  

I guess you could say these are just examples of non-Christians finding fault with believers...but I have yet to hear the "and he/she claims to be a Christian." line brought up in response to one-time bad behavior...it's always in reference to long-term behavioral issues. 

Counting Smilings

So I've been sick for the past couple of weeks. Not normal sick...no. When I catch a cold, it generally turns into a sinus infection...which means I can't lie down...which means I can't sleep properly...which means everything gets thrown off. I was an hour late for work for a week. I slept through my alarm for church. I missed two weeks at the gym, which I am now paying for.

So yeah, I spent multiple, consecutive nights wide awake at 2am, sneezing and making friends with my neti pot. A generally annoying and miserable situation. But...sitting there...I found glimmers of enjoyment watching cartoons and playing scrabble online with friends in other time zones. (just a tip, don't play scrabble while sick and sleep deprived. You WILL lose. Multiple times.)

Today I really got to thinking about the little blessings that come in the middle of negative situations. I was in between two stressful conference calls at work and a friend sent me an IM about his stamp collection. No big deal, but it was one of those situations where you find out something new and interesting about someone you've known a long time. I smiled instantly. Having that little glimpse of a reminder of a great blessing in my life washed away loads of stress.

2010 was a bumpy year for me. It was supposed to be a quiet, down year, recovering from the drain of grad school. I tried extending myself in new directions and honestly, I left even more tired and a bit disappointed that I didn't travel internationally. Work picked up. My efforts to try more extroverted activities in areas that I'm already interested stressed me something awful. Through that though, I've developed an even keener eye for the little bright things that shine through the clouds in my life.

What on earth am I here for?

"Our gifts, our ministries, our abilities, they are not an extension of ourselves. Our significance and our security lies in you."

Check out this message from David Chong Wui Howe.

At the end, David poses that you should ask yourself these four questions for guidance:

1) What do you feel joy doing? What is my deepest desire or passion?
2) What are you good at doing? What are my abilities, skills, spiritual gifts, mutant powers?
3) What do you feel are the biggest needs of the people around you?
4) What is your unique personality?
5) What do others in school, family, circle of friends, church community say about me? Is there confirmation from the Body of Christ?



This is something I've been praying about, earnestly, for over a decade. I've often wondered (usually in times of deep stress) why I feel I haven't yet found a clear answer, feeling as if I'm wasting the talents and time God as given me. At the end of the message, I heard something that is great insight into my situation: Finding God's purpose for your life is not just about praying, but also trusting God's will. I tend to struggle with that.

I'm beginning to understand that discomfort and difficulty do not mean we are necessarily in the wrong place...it may simply mean we are addressing a situation incorrectly, or that we were simply meant to go through that trial.

I believe that whole idea of "too blessed to be stressed" might be a bit misleading. It's come to mind because whenever I've told Christians that I'm stressed, the leading response is "be thankful for what you have". I am and have been. I get the core idea behind the saying. God has blessed you...don't worry. But stress is different than simple worry. Stress can come from exhaustion, frustration, misunderstanding and other places. It also implies that those who are stressed, aren't blessed or don't know/acknowledge it.

I've been prayerfully reading through Phillippians this week (new concept to me) and ran across this verse

Phil 2:28
Therefore I am all the more eager to send him, so that when you see him again you may be glad and I may have less anxiety.

Not saying my anxiety is related to concern over the things of God, but it seems as though being anxious is not necessarily an indicator you're following the wrong path.

Balancing blessings and ambition...

My life's gone through some interesting and subtle changes over the last year. I finished grad school, turned 30 and started a martial art (which I've always wanted to do). When I take a step back and look at my life, it makes me smile. I know I'm blessed...I have family that loves me and that I'm growing closer to in a time where families are drifting apart. I have a steady job with growing potential in an environment where people are struggling to survive. My life is financially sound at an age where most people are saddled with loads of educational and consumer debt. I have overall peace in a time when life is becoming more stressful.

Some of these same changes though, have wrinkles of discontent popping up in my head. I finished grad school...I don't know if we're programmed through education to expect grand-change every four or so years, but I feel like something big should be happening now. I feel like I should move. Also, my friends are moving away. My best friend moved away late last year. We didn't hang out a lot (we're both big inside people and talked a lot online), but it made me sad. It was definitely the best choice for her, and she's happier, but I miss her and it still makes me feel a little lonely...which is WAY rare for me. On top of that, another friend is thinking of moving. That just ads fuel to the "I really need to do something!" fire. On top of that, I'm at a point in my Chinese studies where, to become fluent (a big goal of mine), I need to spend some time immersed. I'm at a point in life where I have almost no commitments (aside from a job) and though I'm quite single, I still worry that if I don't go plop myself down in Taiwan right now, I'm going to end up married with children in the blink of an eye, tied down for twenty or so years and unable to explore that option for a very long time. 

On the other side of that coin, I have even more changes that have me wanting to settle down here, where I was raised. I have my "new" church...a great place where I feel I can grow a lot spiritually. This has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. There's also my Brazilian jiu jitsu school. I really love it there and genuinely want to stay with my instructors while I pursue a black belt (we're looking at 10+ years...easily). I'm making new friends, improving myself and for the first time in...maybe my life, I'm excited to see people that I'm not already long time friends with. And then, I have my roots. My family...immediate and extended are here and I'm at the point in life where I'd like to buy a house. Couple that with low mortgage rates and home prices and I feel pressure to move in that area.

Choices are a crazy thing. Mine are great ones to have...freedom and options...but being torn between personal ambitions and God's guidance has left me terrified of making a mistake in either direction. That concern though, I think is a reflection of how I view God. I think it signals that I see him, at least in part, as some great puzzle-master, throwing challenges at me with one choice leading to ultimate disaster and ruin. I know that's not true, but I don't think I believe it yet. 

Difficult People

Until recently, I had a very narrow view of who difficult people were in my life. Having worked in traditional office environments and traditional church settings, they were basically the people that did things that got on my nerves. Lately though, I've been broadening that definition, because honestly, a difficult person can have a negative impact on your life even if they aren't "out to get you."

What I've found most dangerous about all of these, is that their behavior and decisions can and have clouded my judgment in properly hearing and responding to God's guidance in my life. For me, they have all caused stress, frustration and sadness…emotions that have "clogged my spiritual ears" so to speak. Sometimes God wants you in a certain situation and it's entirely too easily fall back on the "bail" reflex because someone is making that situation uncomfortable. I've also had the opposite problem though. I don't like being forced to do things. So, for instance, when someone has tried to force me out of a situation, or said they didn't think I could accomplish something, I've dug my heels in deeper for the sake of my ego and drive, not God's plan.

 The Arch Enemy: We've probably all seen this person. They may be an outright bully. They may go behind your back. They may be a sociopath. In any case, they have a personal issue with you and make direct and specific efforts to get in your way or tear you down.

War Makers: This one took me most by surprise…or at least the impact it's had on my life has. I've always known that there were people who lived their lives differently than me. That's what makes the world interesting. I started to notice problems in two different situations though. First, when a person feels they need you to conform to their world in order for them to be comfortable or second, when you're forced into someone else's world because of association (work, church, community efforts, etc.) and the world you want doesn't jive with the world they're building. In this case, there isn't necessarily any hostility and neither party is necessarily wrong, but the scenario easily leads to either or both of you being a thorn in the other's side.

Trickle Downs: Very similar to War Makers, and for me, particularly frustrating. These are the people who make decisions in their lives, and those decisions then affect you. For me, this has most frequently shown up from people in power. Though I understand that life is often unfair, I'm a believer in the concept of servant leadership. I believe that leaders exist in part to help minimize inequity in the lives of their followers…so I find it offensive, even to the point of anger, when that responsibility is blatantly ignored solely to support the assumptions/needs that an individual might have.

I've found it useful to ask myself a few questions when my "hearing" starts to go...

1) Have you been falling off on your devotional time? Have you allowed your focus to shift?

2) Are your emotions reflections of tangible threats, or simply feelings unto themselves?

3) Are you ignoring the impact that people are having on you in an effort to make the problem more comfortable to solve? (This seems to happen most often with family for me)

4) Why are you feeling what you're feeling? 

5) When are you feeling what you're feeling? Is it at work? After church? Only when talking to certain people? Only when hearing about certain people?

Interestingly, even when the motivations weren't personal, my life was still changed. That's really gotten me over the idea that personal attacks are different, or worse, than impersonal ones…all have an impact on your life and a person's motivation really doesn't make much difference in the long run. Sure, most of us prefer to be liked, but if someone is causing confusion in my life because of mental illness, the effect is seldom much different than if they do it because someone hurt them in their past or if they just don't like my hair cut (though in each case, the response might be very different.)

And off I go!

I woke up late for church this morning and it upset me. My trusty iPhone alarm failed me (well...one of them did. I have four clock apps. I have a really twisted relationship with time.) I wasn't upset out of worry over fielding questions next week of "Where've you been?!" or concern that people whose opinions I respect would think I'd fallen off the wagon. Not even because I missed a message. (My church, thanks to some great leadership, is progressive in some very good ways and has messages available online, so in a couple of days, I could have caught up on any information I missed.) No. It bothered me because I'd missed an experience that I enjoy and that I feel improves my life and walk with God.

I've had this happen before and I do believe each instance has been a God-engineered absence. Not to be confused with absences caused by laziness, exhaustion, poor planning or failure to prioritize my church attendance. Today's type happens much less frequently...I have to say only three or four times over the last six years. But when they have happened, there's been a reason for it for me growth wise. Today, I had a question answered. It was time to start my spiritual blog.

This will be the fourth blog that I actively maintain. I believe it will be my last, as I don't have any other areas of my life that I believe could benefit in this form of documentation. I used to snub the idea of blogging...funny because I love ideas, discussion and writing. However, I also dislike excess noise in the world, so at first, I saw the concept as a source of annoyance as opposed to a tool that could be useful to myself and others. I also envisioned them as nothing more than online diaries, with people spilling their private lives into perhaps the most public forum that's ever existed in history. For those two reasons, there are two boundaries I'd like to place on this blog. Focus and privacy.

For my own sake, and for that of those reading, I believe its important to have some sort of continuity in writing. I'm not yet ready to put myself on a schedule (I like organic blogging), but I would like to focus on four things that I think are unique to me as a Christian, (that link is to my pastor's blog btw) but also the discussion of which will hopefully be beneficial to anyone who happens to read this. I also will not be sharing every intimate detail of my life or thoughts. While this blog does cover a topic that is inherently close to me, I believe there is value in privacy and that it is neither beneficial to the reader nor the writer to ignore that fact. Not everything going on in my head or heart or life will be a benefit to those around me and I believe some of it should be dealt with it privately, or with a select few people only. But back to those four things...

• I am an introvert. Over the last decade, I've become an increasingly deep believer in accuracy of the MBTI system of personality typing. For those interested, I'm an INTJ. That first letter I is what I'm talking about. As an introvert, I draw my energies from being alone and find interraction with people draining. I'm not shy, nor am I a lone wolf. My pack has simply been built slowly and carefully and new members are added very infrequently. This trait isn't particularly highly prized in our culture (church or secular) and is frequently characterized as a sickness or a sin. The process of learning how to use the traits that God has given me as they have been intended, and not letting them become a stumbling block in my life, my spiritual growth or to others has not been, and is not an easy one to sort out.

• I'm a card-carrying member of the business world. MBA and all. It's a difficult world to live in, as a human being, a female, a Black person and a Christian. I used to fight tooth and nail to find my way out of it, but at a Bible study a few years back, a regional manager for Staples said something that got me thinking that maybe, while I'm not skipping to work every day (far from it on many days), this is where God wants me and this is where I can do the most good. I'm still not comfortable in corporate, or even not-so-corporate America, but there aren't many Christians out there (let alone female) in this world, and maybe I can do some good.

• I have a high IQ. I'm not breaking any records by any means, but I make Mensa's cutoff easily. (no longer a member by the way) Having a high IQ is a tricky thing. You acknowledge it, and people think you're conceited or are judging them. Ignore it, and you're ignoring a foundational part of who you are and your life will become burdened with efforts to "hide". I honestly see it as no different than being tall (which I also am). It's a combination of nature and nurture. As a Christian though, it's doubly difficult. After the second Great Awakening in the US, the church took a turn against intellectualism in almost any form. Sad considering some of the greatest institutions of learning this country and the world have known were founded by the church. This has led a general loss of respect for followers of Christ who are driven by and prefer the world of the mind, leaving the intellectual Christian ridiculed in their secular pursuits for their beliefs and abandoned by practitioners of the faith they follow. I've found a lot of healing and growth by tuning into the works of some Christian apologists. The first new Bible I've bought since...high school (2 months ago) was The Apologetics Study Bible and I'm loving it. We also face our own issues regarding faith, doubt (I was a church-going agnostic at 8 years old) and treatment of other believers (whose worth it can be easy for us to discount), all of which need specific attention. 

• I'm single, female and past "marrying age". I've been reading Christian literature on relationships and dating since I was in high school and I can say from experience that women have it rough. Everywhere you turn, there are messages linking the worth of a woman in Christianity to her marital status. I've seen women marrying the wrong man, the right man at the wrong time, women who are single made to feel inferior and left out for not marrying and everything in between. I've been spared from a lot of the difficulties because, well, I'm just really not dead set on the idea of being a wife (a huge thanks to the Christian women in my life for not pressuring me in that area). Not that I'm opposed to it or that it's not in God's plan for my life, but the idea of never wearing that hat doesn't put me off. One message I don't hear enough, is that maybe, just maybe, God didn't mean for everyone to be married. Funny, because the Bible is full of single people (even single women) that were very productive and influential workers for God. 
• And to round out 2011, I've added a fifth category that I originally didn't intend to touch on--race. I spent my youth attending a Black church while enrolled in a White, Southern Baptist school. I never felt like I fit in either place, sometimes playing the privileged "elite" and the lower-income minority in the same day. I believe it conditioned me to feel comfortable with social discomfort and has given me insight into the role that culture, class and race play in the church. 

So yeah...that's where I am and where I hope to go. Feel free to contact me, pray for me, ask me to pray for you and comment as you like...and thanks for reading.