Hurt feelings and an off morning

Sundays sans church have become weird for me. My alarm went off this morning and was greeted by a lovely case of vertigo. By the time I stumbled out of my bedroom, Melissa Harris Perry's show was on MSNBC.

I'm really enjoying it and hope it has a long life on the channel...it's simultaneously smart, deep, relevant and light, covering everything from the impact of the death of the Notorious B.I.G. to economic policy reform. Harris-Perry, a professor at Tulane, is openly Mormon and liberal. One would expect to to hear explanations of Palm Sunday and quotations from the book of Samuel from more conservative stations, but no, this was happening, and does happen, on the most liberal of the cable news stations. 

I believe Harris-Perry is a bit of a special case...being Black, the world expects her to be a member of the faithful, despite political alliance...and I think she opens up an important door in Christianity. The one labeled "Liberal Christian"...or at least "not-Republican Christian." She facilitates the discussion of faith in politics from a seldom-heard perspective and has kicked off the discussion of how liberals can frame political discussions around faith, an area where they are particularly weak. 

I've watched the Christian Left since their inception as an organization jump, dive and parry with the Christian right over many issues, hoping that, even in their occasional misguided steps (there are quite a few issues and concepts I disagree with them on), they would redirect the focus of what it means to be Christian in America toward something deeper than a shared cultural expereince. I saw this morning's show and discussions of climate change policy as a function of Biblical stewardship as a step in that direction. 

One point she made was in reference to the way Rick Santorum, the candidate with the most religious platform, speaks. She made the very accurate observation that his speech is very much centered around his own people and protecting his own kind. I knew exactly what she was saying.

Why does it ring true for me? Well, I feel a lot of personal dislike for my kind and widespread disregard for humanity in general from the Right. I'm no Democrat, but the all-too-frequent cries of pro-life in the same breath as being pro-war and pro-death sentence strikes me leaves me questioning the party's true overreaching values and unable to see ties to some of the most important and self-sacrificing tenants of Christianity. 

That point though, is still a bit removed. I get reminders every now and then of the hearts of some of those who claim the title of Christianity in my life. Those reminders hurt on multiple levels. The Trayvon Martin case has been the most recent instance. I saw too many people entirely too willing to bear false witness in the form of doctored articles about the dead teen passed around Facebook. Normally, I stay out of these frays. Good seldom comes from detached arguments in cases like these, but one of the pictures passed around was an outright lie and had been outed as such by the creator. I responded briefly to one post, mentioning that it was a fake, and saying that I had learned a lot about all the people around me, Christian, Atheist, Muslim, Black, White, Asian, Gay, Straight and otherwise, by how they responded to the case. The response was that I was too hastily judging and that I couldn't know people's hearts (mind you, I didn't post what I actually thought of anyone). 

I gave that some thought, and I quite confidently believe that to be untrue. Luke 6:45 tells us that "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks". That is where my issue with the Republican party lies...it's deeper than seeing general disdain for people who have my skin color. It lies in the core of policy and attitudes. I still though, do not measure individuals by the groups they align themselves with...people's reasons for joining things are just too broad, and anyone could find many faults with me for being a contributing member of the Christian church...my problem, is that I see callousness in policy and that same callousness in too many Christian individuals who are members of said party. 

I say all that to say that all churches and individuals, The Christian Left and The Christian Right, need to put down the political box they want to put God in. He's much bigger than either side. 

Helpmeets, helpmates and introvert burnout

It's been a rough week as an introvert.

We've had visitors at work, which means non-stop interraction...I'm talking from breakfast to lunch to dinner eaten with 27 other people...14 hour days with no alone time on top of presenting, presentations and discussions. I came home Friday feeling traumatized. Too beaten to even sleep. I seriously felt like I'd been assaulted at some internal level. I skipped the gym, fearing additional injury to a back that had been brutalized with 10 hrs of sitting and looked forward to a weekend of isolation...then it hit me Saturday night. Church. I felt panicked. The idea of bringing myself to talk and say hello again just felt like too much to handle. I prayed and mustered up the courage to go, which I'm glad I did, because it gave me perspective on the whole situation. The world of the corporate is really a modern day Charybdis from which I'm generally and thankfully sheltered. I forget sometimes how it can be. One week down, one week to go.

So yeah...the term "helpmeet"...never heard it until reading the comments of some of Mark Gungor's enthusiasts. It sounded a lot like "help mate", which I haven't really heard since the days in the church I was raised in., and honestly, it makes zero sense as a term unto itself. I've been meaning to get into researching the issue of gender equality in Christian marriage, so I had to do some digging.

From what I can see, it looks like it starts with a misunderstanding of the definition of the word "meet". In the phrase "a help meet for Adam", "meet" most likely takes on its second definition (English) which is equal to "fitting" or "proper", so you instead have "a help fitting for Adam". Makes much more sense.

That said, there's a lot of debate around what that word "help" was translated from and whether it even connotes a subservient position. You have the word "help", taken from the Hebrew "ezer"  which can translate to "aid", "protector" or even "defender", followed by "neged" which can mean "in front of" or "parallel to" or a few other things. Having studied four languages in my life, I'm well aware of where debates over translation can go and this one has some decent legs online (Google "ezer kenegdo). I'm not going to make an argument either way on a language I don't come close to understanding.

...I'm not 100% opposed to the idea of the man being head of household, and that's mostly because I'm a strong believer in the concept of servant leadership...a direct result of my business studies, work experience and most importantly because  of the example set by Jesus (you know...the guy who washed his disciples feet?). I've never been one to equate "leadership" with "dictatorship". Servant leadership is a concept developed by Robert Greenleaf and is summed up well here...

"The servant-leader is servant first… It begins with the natural feeling that one wants to serve, to serve first. Then conscious choice brings one to aspire to lead. That person is sharply different from one who is leader first, perhaps because of the need to assuage an unusual power drive or to acquire material possessions…The leader-first and the servant-first are two extreme types. Between them there are shadings and blends that are part of the infinite variety of human nature."
"The difference manifests itself in the care taken by the servant-first to make sure that other people’s highest priority needs are being served. The best test, and difficult to administer, is: Do those served grow as persons? Do they, while being served, become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous, more likely themselves to become servants? And, what is the effect on the least privileged in society? Will they benefit or at least not be further deprived?"

Greenleaf's book was required reading in a management symposium I took and I think everyone...yes, everyone, not just potential leaders, should read this. As a friend of mine says quite frequently "everyone's leading someone". On top of that though, you learn how to recognize those who are leading or want to lead to assuage and acquire. It's a good way to decide who's worth following.

The VP I work under now has been one of the best leadership experiences I've run across in my work life. I respect him and genuinely know he's on my side and will defend and protect my best interests (which he has consulted me on) when necessary. He's given guidance when he had insight and asked my opinion when he knew I had more experience in an area. I've been frank and open with him about my personality, concerns and fears and have been met with acceptance. He seldom tells me what to do...I say seldom, because I'm sure he has, but I don't remember ever actually being given an order...and I think that's because once a level of respect and trust has been established, his final say no longer feels like force.

Everyone in a household should be submitting to someone..children to parents, wife to husband and God, and husband to God and family. I'm always wary of any church, book, or, person that emphasizes the "help mate"/"head of household" teachings to the exclusion of a husband loving his wife as Christ loved the church. That emphasis, I believe reflects a bias that I have yet to see supported by actual Biblical teachings, and not just cultural extrapolations from ancient civilizations. While I don't think the Bible is totally clear on whether so called 50/50 marriages are the way to go, it is, I believe, quite clear, that all out domination is not the intended model. 

Quieting the Mind

I'm pretty bad at quieting my mind and I wonder if it's an introvert thing. I have no problems focusing, but when I stop moving and doing, a new level of activity begins. I do so much in there that when it's time to shut everything out there's a whole world of hustle, bustle and fun ideas waiting to explored rolling around in my skull. So much so that when it comes to prayer, I have to do it out loud, and conversationally.

I first noticed this was difficult for me when, during a spiritual symposium my leadership program in college had us doing, the minister leading it asked us to spend a week focusing on meditation (which freaked out my very religiously conservative boyfriend at the time). The deal was though, that instead of emptying the mind as some Asian religions teach, you're supposed to focus on God.

I remember coming home, hopping up on my extra long twin with the salmon-colored sateen duvet, leaning back against the painted cinder block wall and closing my eyes. Immediately, there was a whole world of thoughts, ideas, memories and fantasies to play with. I used to have an email signature that said "my mind is my playground" and that's exactly what I was facing...trying to concentrate on God surrounded by the things I found most comforting and entertaining.

I did though, improve.

But not too much.

I woke up to pray this morning and sat quietly. I was immediately surrounded by the sounds of songs from YouTube, memories of Thanksgiving, feelings of missing my grandmother, replays of the previous days' sparring and plans of what I'd have for breakfast. My cousin had just told me the night before that she had issues quieting her mind to pray and I chuckled at the mess I was trying to wade through to find the peace I needed to really meditate and converse.

But then I thought to pay attention. Thoughts aren't 100% uncontrollable or random. They happen for a reason and are reflections of choices we make in our hearts, minds and spirits every day. I looked at my hodgepodge and saw a reflection of priorities. Those things were on my mind because they were where I'd put the most emotional focus.

I'd been watching videos on YouTube of old songs to calm anxieties about going back to work. Thanksgiving  was full of new memories of seeing family. I'm fresh into the grieving process of saying goodbye to my grandmother. I'd had a phenomenal day, sparring with a higher belt at my gym who beat me beautifully...and...food's just a big deal to me.

I take away from that though, that in the last month of holiday preparation, burying a friend and relative, belt test prep and closing out a work year, I have been praying less and focusing less on God. It happened subtly, but it did happen. No...I take that back...I've probably been praying more...but mostly prayers of my own grief and concern for the emotions of those around me. My schedule is returning to normal now though, and while I'd gotten in more time talking to God out of burning necessity, I'd fallen off talking to him out of desire.

That is what I learned from the mess in my mind this morning. 

Christianity and Evolution

So I've been reading about evolutionary Christianity today. On a side note, I don't really like that title. I would think reversing it would be more appropriate, as to not imply that the faith is altered by the science...but then I guess the reverse would imply an entirely different branch of study altogether, and I'm assuming it isn't. Anyway...reading about evolutionary Christianity and it got me digging again back into my questions about Charles Darwin's faith and thoughts on theism.*

                                           

I'm honestly really excited about getting the newsletter. The relationship between Christianity and the study of evolution is something I've always wondered about, and it's nice to see people with the research chops to do it justice moving it forward. The movement can easily be dismissed as Christians living in a modern world trying to reduce at least one area of friction...understandable, because there are many. I thought that myself for a while, but I don't think it's entirely true. I believe a quote taken from the site more accurately describes what's going on:

“Studying evolution is like following cosmic breadcrumbs home to God."


I know the concept of even considering evolution is sacrilege to many believers...something I only somewhat understand. I know that evolution has been a primary weapon used against those that do believe...and I do know that some of the findings of researchers directly contradict Biblical teachings, but you could say that about any field of study. I don't know how, but the Christian junior high school I went to managed to teach us both creationism and proper science. Because of this, I never learned to see the two as conflicting with one another. Difficult to resolve? Yes, but not entirely incompatible. I believe that science and nature, like any work of art, are tangible insight into the character of their creator. One hallmark of the growth of my faith came to me early one morning in a physics lab. We were studying torque and it hit me how beautiful a science it was. Poetic. Graceful. Balanced. Infinitely complex and ever moving. Characteristics I immediately saw as a reflection of the being that had put them into motion.

What I do not understand is the desire, especially of believers, to reduce God to a being simple enough for us to understand with minimal effort...like Santa or a magician.  I think this is part of the reason so many Christians react so negatively to even the discussion of the adaptation of any species**. It is very possibly laziness. Faith aside, we as Americans are a generally lazy, undisciplined culture. We see it visually in rising obesity levels, but I think that's the least of our problems. Laziness of thought and behavior worries me much more.

I'm sure some would say it's simply better not to question, not to ask, but I don't think asking is a sin. I went through a period in my life where I seriously doubted my own existence. And I don't mean in a "what's my purpose?" kind of way. No. I'd moved past agnosticism and into hard core doubting of the existence of self. Honestly, questioning the existence of God doesn't come up on the radar of a person who questions if there is even anything there to do the questioning. In that still, small voice we always hear about, God told me it was ok. He created this creature that was doing all the doubting, and that doubting was a not-so-positive outgrowth of one of the gifts he'd given it, but it was ok and part of the process.

Through all that and now, I have to say I'm grateful for my brief membership in Mensa. Though I met some rather unpleasant, superficial and self-absorbed people, through joining a national group of Christian Mensans, I also learned that the church had other people like me.

Still though, as interesting as I do find this topic, I am, at the end of the day, a pragmatist and an INTJ. I have a distaste for the debate of evolution and creation, even within the respective camps. None of us have observed any of the processes that brought us here and I genuinely believe that all our measuring and theorizing amounts to little more than very intricate guesswork. And...we have much more important things to do. For Christians, the gospels line those things out pretty clearly...so I won't be spending too much time pondering this one.



*I don't consider his periods of belief and disbelief to change the truth of his research or of God. I've seen some Christians site Oscar Wilde's rumored conversion to belief on his deathbed as some sort of proof of the wrongness of his previous beliefs...as if they weren't wrong enough at the time, or as if the converse never happens. I do think it's a wonderful thing, but no more wonderful than anyone else making that same journey at any other point in their lives.

**I admittedly carry a bit of a chip on my shoulder in this area, since for years I felt that the very mind God had given me was being denied, suppressed and demonized by the church. As if we weren't commanded in Luke to point that very mind in love toward him. I didn't begin healing until one day, during lunch, I heard Ravi Zacharias over the radio say "The church has done a huge disservice to intelligent Christians." I almost cried. I didn't know that anyone even acknowledged that we existed. With all the fights over doctrine and the trinity and homosexuals and race, I'd never heard anyone so much as mention us. Which isn't to say that intelligence falls into the same category as any of those things, but it does deeply shape the way we approach God and the world.

Tingles and Goosebumps and MMA

"Who doesn't like the tingles and goosebumps?"

That was a question posed at our last small group in reference to the exhilarating experiences that growth as a Christian has to offer. At first I thought "yeah...tingles are nice." But then I REALLY thought about it. While most emotional experiences are too complex to be simply liked or disliked um...tingles and goosebumps... not my favorites.

I believe that Christians all come from different starting points and we grow toward different goals, for which God has equipped us and customized our paths. Mine...well it goes a little something like this.

I'm naturally a pretty stoic person. One of my father's favorite memories is of his father openly admiring the emerging personality of my two-year old self. "She's not always smilin' and laughin' like other children." I wasn't one of those bubbly, endearing children. Some of my earliest memories are of people talking to me in kiddie voices and my not understanding why. Though extroversion and expressiveness was highly prized in my culture and extended family, I was raised to appreciate logic and reservedness.

When I was a teenager, my long time pastor died and my church home took a turn for the more charismatic and emotionally expressive. This came under leadership (a series of pastors) that was more interested in status, possessions, social clubs and attention. I was younger and not as in tune to social environments, but I remember a lot of fruitless conflict, scandal and division.

During that period I learned a lot of mistrust. I developed a distaste for gospel music that persists to this day...part of that is the musical character itself, but part is also a simple association with an unhappy corner of my life. I learned to mistrust emotional expression and in turn, began to mistrust emotional experiences (something that bled into all areas of my life, of course). Multiply that by my aforementioned nature and I ended up in a place where I've had to learn to re-trust, and re-appreciate emotions

To be completely honest, I find almost all emotional extremes to be slightly stressful, so of all the experiences that God brings into my life, I prefer the peace and still waters to the exhilaration and exuberance. I experience excitement very similarly to anger. Yes, excitement is preferable, but I find it tiring and, after a few moments with it, I'm ready for it to pass. I prefer exploration to adventure... fulfillment to elation...sadness to despair. .

On a side note, I took a break to see the results of one of the fighters from the gym and he talks about his recent disappointment and a prayer he prays before every fight. In the same study, we'd discussed the importance (and difficulty) of praying for not just what we want, but also for God's will and guidance. It was nice to hear that sentiment reiterated.

The crazy stuff I believe.

One of the best books I've read in the last few years is The Ascent of Money by Niall Ferguson. Put most simply, it's a book about the history of money...how humans use it, how we've changed it and it's changed us. It's won a lot of awards and attracted a lot of criticism, but one passage in it really got me thinking about faith.

...money is a matter of belief, even faith: belief in the person paying us; belief in the person issuing the money he uses or the institution that honours his cheques or transfers. Money is not metal. It is trust inscribed. 


One of the biggest turning points in my life as a Christian was accepting that logic isn't the end all and be all of human existence. A long time ago, a former pastor used to say something that confused me deeply. Quite frequently he would call from the pulpit "You have to know that you know that you KNOW that you know." I never understood how the concept of knowledge could be applied to something none of us had ever seen and could not possibly, logically "know". Sure, there are elements of logic in Christianity and you can use it to decipher issues in life and Biblical study, but at the end of the day, it really doesn't make logical "sense".

Mr. Ferguson got me thinking of other things in life I simply "believe" with little physical or experiential evidence.

• The theory of relativity: Sure, I understand it from a very basic, scientific level, but I've never personally conducted any experiments and really have no experience with its applicability across the universe. 
• Man landing on the moon: Yes. I believe we did it. I've seen shuttle launches and pieces of moon rock. Still though, I've never been to the moon myself, couldn't build a shuttle or complete the calculations needed to get a craft to the pretty round ball I see at night. 
• The existence of...anything in space. I just saw the movie Thor (which I LOVED conceptually and visually) and the most amazing part for me, were the scenes flying past nebula, planets and stars (...ok...the Ice Giants were cool too). But still, as much as I do believe they do exist, I have as much proof that they exist as I do Bigfoot or Nessy or the Chupacabra.
• Almost...all of history: I've seen quite a few historical artifacts, Dowager Empress Xi Ci's palace, Akhenaten's death mask, Ancient engravings at the ruins of Tulum...all of them amazing. The stories behind them? I'm taking people 100% at their word. I saw none of them created and have never spoken with any one who has. Considering that "history is written by the victors", and I've done absolutely no work in archaeology, that's pretty much the definition of blind belief. 

Why believe things like this? Is it because they're convenient and fit neatly into the way I see the world? Is it because belief to the contrary would label me an outsider? I'm really not sure. What I do know though, is that believe and faith, in the secular and the spiritual, require suspension of reliance on the absolute reach of your individual understanding and experiences. 

Christians and Job Burnout

 Yeah...so I think I'm officially suffering from job burnout.

A couple months ago I started taking some of those quizzes that seem to be everywhere online, and I tested moderate risk for burnout. I just took another one and I'm up to high risk. It's a little hard for me to believe because I've always associated the condition with working excessive hours (which I haven't been lately)...sure, that's one of the factors that contributes, but there are quite a few others (feeling like you make a difference, interest, feeling like you're part of a team working toward the same goal) that have been weighing on me lately.

Quizzes aside, I'm just tired of doing things. Not sleepy or physically tired...but my will is shot. I used to come home and immediately start my evening workout. I’d cook dinner then move on to some language studies. Next came my nightly 15 minutes of cleaning and that was my evening. I enjoyed it, it kept me energized, and I could watch Spanish news. My life wasn’t perfect, but the setup I had was nice.

Fast forward to today, more than a year after I finished business school. I fully expected to spend my days rested and ready to enjoy life like I did before I added school on top of a full time work schedule. Needless to say, that didn’t happen. I’m still careful to make sure I spend my free time doing things I enjoy…linguistic studies, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, cooking classes...but…it’s hard now. I find myself blanking out while sparring. I don’t want to practice my pronunciation. I find myself shying away from recipes that take too much work.

My first fear was that I was slipping back into the situational depression I believe I experienced in my first job out of undergrad, but that's not it either...I don't have even the slightest taste of the hollow hopelessness that came with that trip.

I thought that maybe I wasn’t sleeping enough. I never do honestly, but I decided to make sure I was getting at least 8 hrs a night. Strangely, I was still waking up tired, while on weekends, I felt fine after only six hours of sleep.

My next solution was a vacation. I took a week and a half around the holidays, hoping it would help from the traumatic introduction I had to my current assignment, but it was horrible. I spent the entire time short of breath, chest tight, checking to make sure my inhaler was close by.

So I ran to the internet to find some inspiration…some other Christians who’d struggled with the same issue. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t find much. It's kind of sad how little advice there is for Christians suffering from job burnout. Most of what I've seen mimics what you find on secular sites, replacing "your family and friends" with "your faith and relationship with God." Sometimes you find advice to find a new job, make your current work environment better or to determine what you need out of life.

I’m not going to complain too much though, because even looking back on job issues I've overcome only through faith and divine intervention, I can't find much advice to give others but the trite, and somewhat dismissive "pray about it" and "listen to God". A friend of mine currently going through cancer treatments said something to me recently...he mentioned how painful it was to hear people simplify what he needs to do to get through his struggles, even if they'd been through similar situations themselves.

***Update***
I've decided to turn my struggles into something more, so if you suffer through the same issues, check out my newest blog-venture that will hopefully help you out some.

I'm guessing a lot of authors out there are trying to avoid that. 

My favorite apostle

Yesterday, I went to see the exhibit, Vatican Splendors. If it comes to a city near you, I highly recommend it. I have a lot to write about the things I saw, but it was amazing to see the growth and change of the early Christian church...the influx of pagan culture...the efforts to remove it and get back to the church's true work. I have to credit my little Southern Baptist elementary and middle school for teaching us about the history of the Catholic church (along with other denominations and other religions)...it's given me a different take on the institution than a lot of Protestants I've run into. I once dated a guy in college who considered it to be a satanic cult and had no idea that the Protestant church, though quite different now, was born as an effort to strip off the excesses and misdirections that the Catholic church of the time had gotten caught up in

The art though, was amazing. I almost cried when I rounded a corner and saw a reproduction of The Pietà . The use of images in churches does run the risk of promoting idolatry, but many of the works themselves, I found them helpful in remembering those Christians who had gone before and what had gone on in their lives...especially those of the apostles. I mean, there are twelve of them and no matter how hard or long you study them, it can be easy to get them confused.

St. Andrew by Francois Duquesnoy

I've always found myself drawn to two in particular: Paul and Andrew. Paul I've always known why...he was the thinker of the group. Andrew though...I realized that I knew nothing. I did some quick digging and found out he was the silent, even tempered apostle. Again...makes sense. I just find it funny that the attraction was subconscious. Now I want to see the MBTI for Christians who like specific apostles. Unfortunately, very little of his work survived the passing of time. I'm hoping I can learn more from this book that I just loaded into my Kindle. 

Are some people just inherently religious?

So there's been a lot of talk on the faults of religion lately. It's been unfairly blamed for starting every war the planet's ever seen, enslaving races and basically being the root of everything bad on the earth. I hold on to the relatively common belief that religion is a construct of man, different than faith, and is therefore subject to all the weaknesses and faults that we carry within ourselves...I also understand that that theory is only palatable if a person believes that humans are, in fact, inherently flawed.


My cousin posed the title question to me the other day, after observing the behavior of a friend. He's agnostic, educated, works a job in business and is, like me, a foodie. She described how dogmatic he is about the uses and presentations of food. How he tries to "convert" people to his gastronomic choices and spread the gospel of his culinary experiences. How, when in his presence, she sometimes felt she got insight into the experiences of those who complain of the overbearing approach of some Christians. If you put his behavior into the context of the concept of non-theistic belief, it very much mirrors devout followers of any religion. 

I do not believe that a person has to believe in a deity to be religious...especially if you take the definition of religion to be a body of persons adhering to a particular set of beliefs and practices. I believe that people worship at the temple of science, food, sex, pleasure, and even in Christianity at "sub religions" of leaders, churches, spiritual experiences, causes, earthly Biblical figures and even buildings. 

My first exposure to the concept came on the back of rapper KRS-One's "I Got Next" album. It included a brief introduction to the Temple of Hip Hop. If you read up on it, you'll see that it's not actually presented as a religion in the traditional sense...I believe the effort of the organization is one toward awareness and understanding of an often misunderstood form of music...but...it, like many things, could satisfy the needs of a person who is inherently religious, or who wants to be a religious leader.

I see vegans and vegetarians elevate their set of tastes, health and dietary choices to the level of a moral code, berating, condemning and judging those who have "sinned" against their religion. We're all aware of judgmental behavior of some members of organizations like PETA, or we have a friend or friend of a friend who protests loudly against the consumption of meat or treatment of animals (things I actually disapprove of on a certain level myself). 

From dietary choices, to treatment of hair, patriotism, chosen art, science and everything in between...Yes, I do believe there are those of us that are more prone to "religious behavior" than others. Myself, I believe that I lean toward inherently non-religious. I've often said that if I weren't Christian, I'd likely be a Nihilist...not because I'm a naturally hopeless person, but because I simply don't see evidence of the inherent good of humanity, the infinite virtue of caring for family, and friends, nor do I have faith that all of our advancement over the short time we've been on this planet has done anything to solve any of our real issues. I've never understood people that come to church on a regular basis, yet openly confess that they do it out of pure ritual. That, however, is easy to say from this side of the fence. I really don't know how I would react to life if I didn't have the hope and purpose that God has blessed me with.

I do believe though, that religion has a purpose, and feeds a need that we as humans, at some level, all carry within ourselves. As Christians, I believe it gives us context for many spiritual concepts and a framework for the practical application of many forms of discipleship.  

Is hate ever ok?

Before you read this  post, check out the literal definition of the word "Hate”. Let it marinate...got it? Ok...let's go. 

“Hate the sin, love the sinner”

This phrase gets thrown around so much by Christians, it should be inducted into the “almost a Bible verse, but not” hall of fame. Come to think of it, it’s mostly cited as a means to point out judgmental or prejudicial behavior. Not to be too trusting of the credibility of the internet, but most signs seem to indicate that it’s actually a quote of Ghandi’s.

Ever since I saw Jet Li’s Unleashed, I’ve questioned people’s processing of their feelings of love, and recently, hate. As a true martial arts fan, I draw a lot lessons from any film that involves high kicks and back flips.  One of the final scenes of the movie involved Jet Li’s character’s “adoptive father”, crying at the prospect of losing Li, exclaiming that he loved him. If it weren’t for the fact that he’d kept his “son” collared and locked in a cage, letting him out only to fight for money and protection, the scene would have been sweet.

Instead, it was saddening. You were getting a clear look at the long sitting and uninterrupted perversion of a human being. (Bob Hoskins is one of my favorite actors and played the scene beautifully.) My first thought was “wow, this guy’s twisted.” Then it hit me that maybe, he really was experiencing love, and when he listed how he’d fed and clothed and cared for his child, that he meant it. Maybe he felt the exact same thing that you or I feel, but executed it in the language of abuse. 

This same concept can be extended to the terrorist, who for love of country and family, kills and sacrifices their own life. Even Hitler, extreme though the reference may be…it seems that most psychohistorians put him in the category of having narcissistic personality disorder as opposed to being an “unfeeling” sociopath. With the qualification that I have no background in psychology, I don’t find it impossible to believe that the same person who commits unspeakable atrocities against those he views as sub-human, has feelings he processes as love for those he sees as his equals…this is not to say that the executions of love would be perfect, or even good (a chapter in this book takes a brilliant look at the effects that slave ownership took on the families of the owners themselves...let's just say the slave masters weren't unaffected by their "work"). The fact that we acknowledge that God’s love is perfect tells me, that we do understand that love can be imperfect, and exercised in perverse and horrible ways. 

So after the topic of hate came up in Bible study, and I kicked it around with my cousin, I started looking at it from a Christian perspective. All I have to say is thank goodness for online searches and Strong’s, because despite a lifetime of Bible reading and memorization…I’m still embarrassingly sketchy when it comes to verse citation. So yeah…I started wondering…who’s doing the hating in the Bible? Is it ever commanded? Is it ever condoned? Is this possibly an issue of translation?

I pulled 127 references to the word “hate”. As I expected, it was pretty common in the Old Testament.  God did a lot of it and I don’t doubt he still does and I’m sure he does it perfectly…but does that mean it’s ok for us? Can we sustain an emotion like hate without it eventually corrupting our already fragile and imperfect love? Are we able to ever, on our own, discern its application well enough to let it grow unchecked? Here are some of the verses I found: 

Psalm 97:10
Let those who love the LORD hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked

Proverbs 8:13
To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.

Luke 14:26
“If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.

John 12:25
Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

Romans 12:9
[ Love in Action ] Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

I find a few things interesting…things that make me question the translation of the word “hate” (I’d love to hear input on the translation if anybody has any). Specifically, Luke. Is Jesus commanding us to have an intense hostility, and aversion to our family? I don’t think so. What I do think though, is that we are being commanded to reject, and let go of the things that tie and bind us to this life…and that, makes me think that the concept of the English word "hate" in the Bible…well, it doesn’t have one set meaning.

There goes my clear answer.

I’m still left wondering, if we as people should actively embrace the emotion (not to be confused with the rejection of what is wrong or against God’s teaching) of hatred and not eventually let it consume, and even override the love that pulls 686 references in the same Bible. 

What on earth am I here for?

"Our gifts, our ministries, our abilities, they are not an extension of ourselves. Our significance and our security lies in you."

Check out this message from David Chong Wui Howe.

At the end, David poses that you should ask yourself these four questions for guidance:

1) What do you feel joy doing? What is my deepest desire or passion?
2) What are you good at doing? What are my abilities, skills, spiritual gifts, mutant powers?
3) What do you feel are the biggest needs of the people around you?
4) What is your unique personality?
5) What do others in school, family, circle of friends, church community say about me? Is there confirmation from the Body of Christ?



This is something I've been praying about, earnestly, for over a decade. I've often wondered (usually in times of deep stress) why I feel I haven't yet found a clear answer, feeling as if I'm wasting the talents and time God as given me. At the end of the message, I heard something that is great insight into my situation: Finding God's purpose for your life is not just about praying, but also trusting God's will. I tend to struggle with that.

I'm beginning to understand that discomfort and difficulty do not mean we are necessarily in the wrong place...it may simply mean we are addressing a situation incorrectly, or that we were simply meant to go through that trial.

I believe that whole idea of "too blessed to be stressed" might be a bit misleading. It's come to mind because whenever I've told Christians that I'm stressed, the leading response is "be thankful for what you have". I am and have been. I get the core idea behind the saying. God has blessed you...don't worry. But stress is different than simple worry. Stress can come from exhaustion, frustration, misunderstanding and other places. It also implies that those who are stressed, aren't blessed or don't know/acknowledge it.

I've been prayerfully reading through Phillippians this week (new concept to me) and ran across this verse

Phil 2:28
Therefore I am all the more eager to send him, so that when you see him again you may be glad and I may have less anxiety.

Not saying my anxiety is related to concern over the things of God, but it seems as though being anxious is not necessarily an indicator you're following the wrong path.

Christianity and Martial Arts

All my life I've wanted to study a martial art. Being the non-athlete that I am, I just figured it was outside of my reach. After finishing undergrad and rethinking who I was and what I "could" try, I decided I was going to take up the practice of...something...I just had no idea what. 

I looked into kung fu, tai chi, jeet kun do, krav maga...all kinds of arts. Besides price and availability, I ran into one big impediment to practice. Some arts do contain a spiritual element, and though I read testimony of many Christians that practice internal arts, I was never quite comfortable. That's not to say it's not possible, but it wasn't going to work for me.

During my search, I ran into a lot of Christian MMA and BJJ organizations. I couldn't figure out why so many Christians were drawn to what appears to be such a brutal sport. I eventually ended up practicing Brazilian jiu jitsu (an art many MMA fighters train in) after stumbling across it in a search for a muay thai school...both external arts...and I think the internal/external question is a key element in the link between martial arts and religion. 

Shaolin Monk

An interesting theory I read on a forum once...that external arts like jiu jitsu and muay thai are better suited to Christianity because of its core teaching of separation from the body...contrast that with a physical practice like yoga (connected with the practice of Hinduism), that teaches enlightenment through a deepened connection with the physical. So, if you're punching someone in the face, you're causing harm to the actual spiritual being. 

There's a quote from George Foreman thrown around...after he was asked how he, as a Christian, could practice such an aggressive art. He responded that none of it was done in anger. After spending some time with MMA fighters, I'm inclined to believe that. They are some of the most "slow to anger" people I've ever run into. It's really got me thinking why, even in the internal arts, are they so frequently practiced by monks and holy men.

The God Delusion Debate - Richard Dawkins vs John Lennox

I love seeing rational, smart Christians. This is a nice preview of a debate between two big names in the world of atheism and religion. I love hearing Lennox speak. He's a professor of mathematics at Oxford. It strikes me how he's simultaneously smart and able to be light in his communication.

How old was Elizabeth when she was pregnant?

I don't run across many topics that I can't dig up an answer for, but this one has me lost. I've dug around, and can't find how old Elizabeth was when she was pregnant with John. I ran across 88, but in a source other than the Bible.


Luke 1:36
Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month.


How old IS "old" anyway? It must have been pretty up there for it to be used as an example to Mary of God's power to transcend natural law. 

An atheist gave me something to think about...

This is a video of Penn Jillette (of the comedic duo Penn and Teller) discussing a man that gave him a Bible. What he says at 3:00 really got me thinking...you HAVE to love people to genuinely witness to them. There simply are no other options. No other paths. No other reasons. Not guilt. Not fear. Not peer pressure. Not habit. Not ego. I Corinthians 13 really does lay it all out.




I also found it compelling that he noticed that the man genuinely cared (people can tell whether you're talking to them, or at them), that the man was sane (they know that too) and that the man was paying attention to who he was (again...to, not at). I don't believe that you have to know someone to witness to them, but it seems to be a frequent component. This man didn't know Penn Jillette personally, but he knew his work and enjoyed it.

I...am in the lives of the people I am for a reason.

Jerk Love

"My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism. ²Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. ³If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet," ⁴have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?

James 2: 1-4

We've been doing James in Bible study (I'm liking it!!). It's my favorite book...a heavy, sometimes painful book, but what can I say...I like straightforward:) There's a constant ebb and flow between the concrete and the abstract, which I believe is one of the core points of the book...and possibly even why James' statements seem to come out of nowhere in certain points. Well, tonight was chapter 2 and we were covering the concept of discrimination and prejudice. The book addresses it from a point of income, but as my pastor pointed out, it can be extrapolated into other areas...for me that was personality. He joked (I...think...) that I was given the gift of dealing with jerks. I really think they get discriminated against. I know I've always gravitated toward...edgier personalities...friends, relatives, hobbies, TV characters (which is why I think there was something deeper than humor behind what he said). It's something I understand. I have a personality that's quite a few degrees less than "warm and snuggly" and I know what it's like to be misunderstood on that level, so it's generally easy for me to look past some of the thorns and pricklies that people carry around with them.

I really have to say though...there are a LOT of "impoverished" personalities in my life right now. Maybe more than ever before and recently there's been even more of an up-tick. I also have to say that my reactions have not be the best. Jerks come in a pretty wide range of intensities. Some just have, let's say, "misguided" senses of humor. Other's are generally predatory on weaker personalities, and those are the ones that get to me. (Especially since in studying martial arts, I've put/found myself in a position of weakness.) But, as my aunt says "Hurt-people hurt people." I have to keep reminding myself of this. It is not my right to pass judgement on people's actions...even if they hurt me or others. 

More politics...

I'm a pretty apolitical person. I'm not registered with any political party partly because I take issue with the concept of bi-partisan government. I believe too deep a focus on politics removes us from real change we can make in our real, every day lives. And especially the way things are going these days, I believe it's just another way for people to categorize and dismiss the nuances of the individual human beings around us. 

And that's why an email I received the other day really bothered me. It was a forward (gotta love 'em) supposedly listing changes to the 2011 tax codes that would plunge us into socialism. I gotta admit I was offended on multiple levels. Forwards are impersonal. Unless it's an invitation or notice of a birth or other event, I don't see the point of emails sent out with no real regard for who the readers are. It offended me professionally too. Tax information is readily available online. The email cited no information from the IRS website...no links, no citations, nothing. Misinformation is a scary thing and I know close to no one is going to go and verify what was stated. In the past, I've received similar emails from fellow Christians that have been proven to be outright lies told to prove a point. (I'm still not sure of the best way to handle those situations) What gets to me most though, is I know...I genuinely know why I receive these emails.

The senders were Christian, I'm Christian, and for whatever reasons, that means I must be a Republican and worship at the almighty shrine of capitalism (despite my chosen field of study, I'm not 100% sold). I get these emails pretty often from Christian...acquaintances. I can't say "friends". Anyone who's a close friend knows that not only am I not into politics, but also that I delete just about any email whose title starts with "FWD:" site unread. (Yes, that includes ones that declare that I don't love Jesus if I don't open them and immediately forward to my entire mailing list.) It's not just the emails to be honest. I've been invited to rallies, been shown Tea Party signs, all with the assumption of my agreement with the principles in question. And I know it's not just me. I've been seeing more and more blog posts and message boards posts from Christians dealing with the same issue. 

It kinda frustrates me. Not because people might disagree with me. That's part of life. Not even necessarily because of the assumptions made (though I do have to admit that does irk my nerves a bit). It gets to me most because I know this isn't what we as believers should be focusing on. I know that if it makes me angry, I'm distracted spiritually. I know it's wasting time and opportunities we should be using studying, helping and praying. I know it drives wedges between believers. Wedges that can be hard to remove.

Routine and Good Habits

As much as I love my various pursuits (languages, Brazilian jiu jitsu, cooking), I sometimes hit periods where my inspiration isn't as strong as others. I think these periods are important for allowing concepts to cement themselves, application and for reflection. At the same time though, these periods can not only be discouraging, but can also be gateways into inactivity and missed periods for growth.

I don't think our spiritual lives are at all immune from this issue. 

A few years ago, I was visiting my cousin in South Carolina. She took me to visit her Bible study group, and while I can't tell you what we talked about, one bit of advice stuck with me. The man who was leading it says that he read a chapter of Psalms and a Proverbs every night. It seems mundane on the surface, but each time I read through the book, I know God has revealed something new, or taken me deeper on an old concept.

My sleep schedule's been off lately (for various reasons) and I've been sleeping in until the last second before work. Result? Not doing my morning devotional. I've lapsed in the past, but having this small "habit" makes a huge difference in keeping me connected. 

Noticing Nietzche

Nietzsche is one of those names I've always heard thrown around school and discussions, always told myself I should be familiar with and yet never gotten around to getting to know. I've been reading Ravi Zacharias' The End of Reason and he makes some very interesting points about his philosophy that has me even more curious. They're summed up pretty well in the quote below.


". . . [Nietzsche] had the good manners to despise Christianity, in large part, for what it actually was--above all, for its devotion to an ethics of compassion--rather than allow himself the soothing, self-righteous fantasy that Christianity’s history had been nothing but an interminable pageant of violence, tyranny, and sexual neurosis. He may have hated many Christians for their hypocrisy, but he hated Christianity itself principally on account of its enfeebling solicitude for the weak, the outcast, the infirm, and the diseased; and, because he was conscious of the historical contingency of all cultural values, he never deluded himself that humanity could do away with Christian faith while simply retaining Christian morality in some diluted form, such as liberal social conscience or innate human sympathy." 
— David Bentley Hart (Atheist Delusions: The Christian Revolution and Its Fashionable Enemies)

And off I go!

I woke up late for church this morning and it upset me. My trusty iPhone alarm failed me (well...one of them did. I have four clock apps. I have a really twisted relationship with time.) I wasn't upset out of worry over fielding questions next week of "Where've you been?!" or concern that people whose opinions I respect would think I'd fallen off the wagon. Not even because I missed a message. (My church, thanks to some great leadership, is progressive in some very good ways and has messages available online, so in a couple of days, I could have caught up on any information I missed.) No. It bothered me because I'd missed an experience that I enjoy and that I feel improves my life and walk with God.

I've had this happen before and I do believe each instance has been a God-engineered absence. Not to be confused with absences caused by laziness, exhaustion, poor planning or failure to prioritize my church attendance. Today's type happens much less frequently...I have to say only three or four times over the last six years. But when they have happened, there's been a reason for it for me growth wise. Today, I had a question answered. It was time to start my spiritual blog.

This will be the fourth blog that I actively maintain. I believe it will be my last, as I don't have any other areas of my life that I believe could benefit in this form of documentation. I used to snub the idea of blogging...funny because I love ideas, discussion and writing. However, I also dislike excess noise in the world, so at first, I saw the concept as a source of annoyance as opposed to a tool that could be useful to myself and others. I also envisioned them as nothing more than online diaries, with people spilling their private lives into perhaps the most public forum that's ever existed in history. For those two reasons, there are two boundaries I'd like to place on this blog. Focus and privacy.

For my own sake, and for that of those reading, I believe its important to have some sort of continuity in writing. I'm not yet ready to put myself on a schedule (I like organic blogging), but I would like to focus on four things that I think are unique to me as a Christian, (that link is to my pastor's blog btw) but also the discussion of which will hopefully be beneficial to anyone who happens to read this. I also will not be sharing every intimate detail of my life or thoughts. While this blog does cover a topic that is inherently close to me, I believe there is value in privacy and that it is neither beneficial to the reader nor the writer to ignore that fact. Not everything going on in my head or heart or life will be a benefit to those around me and I believe some of it should be dealt with it privately, or with a select few people only. But back to those four things...

• I am an introvert. Over the last decade, I've become an increasingly deep believer in accuracy of the MBTI system of personality typing. For those interested, I'm an INTJ. That first letter I is what I'm talking about. As an introvert, I draw my energies from being alone and find interraction with people draining. I'm not shy, nor am I a lone wolf. My pack has simply been built slowly and carefully and new members are added very infrequently. This trait isn't particularly highly prized in our culture (church or secular) and is frequently characterized as a sickness or a sin. The process of learning how to use the traits that God has given me as they have been intended, and not letting them become a stumbling block in my life, my spiritual growth or to others has not been, and is not an easy one to sort out.

• I'm a card-carrying member of the business world. MBA and all. It's a difficult world to live in, as a human being, a female, a Black person and a Christian. I used to fight tooth and nail to find my way out of it, but at a Bible study a few years back, a regional manager for Staples said something that got me thinking that maybe, while I'm not skipping to work every day (far from it on many days), this is where God wants me and this is where I can do the most good. I'm still not comfortable in corporate, or even not-so-corporate America, but there aren't many Christians out there (let alone female) in this world, and maybe I can do some good.

• I have a high IQ. I'm not breaking any records by any means, but I make Mensa's cutoff easily. (no longer a member by the way) Having a high IQ is a tricky thing. You acknowledge it, and people think you're conceited or are judging them. Ignore it, and you're ignoring a foundational part of who you are and your life will become burdened with efforts to "hide". I honestly see it as no different than being tall (which I also am). It's a combination of nature and nurture. As a Christian though, it's doubly difficult. After the second Great Awakening in the US, the church took a turn against intellectualism in almost any form. Sad considering some of the greatest institutions of learning this country and the world have known were founded by the church. This has led a general loss of respect for followers of Christ who are driven by and prefer the world of the mind, leaving the intellectual Christian ridiculed in their secular pursuits for their beliefs and abandoned by practitioners of the faith they follow. I've found a lot of healing and growth by tuning into the works of some Christian apologists. The first new Bible I've bought since...high school (2 months ago) was The Apologetics Study Bible and I'm loving it. We also face our own issues regarding faith, doubt (I was a church-going agnostic at 8 years old) and treatment of other believers (whose worth it can be easy for us to discount), all of which need specific attention. 

• I'm single, female and past "marrying age". I've been reading Christian literature on relationships and dating since I was in high school and I can say from experience that women have it rough. Everywhere you turn, there are messages linking the worth of a woman in Christianity to her marital status. I've seen women marrying the wrong man, the right man at the wrong time, women who are single made to feel inferior and left out for not marrying and everything in between. I've been spared from a lot of the difficulties because, well, I'm just really not dead set on the idea of being a wife (a huge thanks to the Christian women in my life for not pressuring me in that area). Not that I'm opposed to it or that it's not in God's plan for my life, but the idea of never wearing that hat doesn't put me off. One message I don't hear enough, is that maybe, just maybe, God didn't mean for everyone to be married. Funny, because the Bible is full of single people (even single women) that were very productive and influential workers for God. 
• And to round out 2011, I've added a fifth category that I originally didn't intend to touch on--race. I spent my youth attending a Black church while enrolled in a White, Southern Baptist school. I never felt like I fit in either place, sometimes playing the privileged "elite" and the lower-income minority in the same day. I believe it conditioned me to feel comfortable with social discomfort and has given me insight into the role that culture, class and race play in the church. 

So yeah...that's where I am and where I hope to go. Feel free to contact me, pray for me, ask me to pray for you and comment as you like...and thanks for reading.