It's not about sex.

I really didn't think I'd be back to writing about singleness, but blogging is funny.

I went to a private school up through 8th grade. We had all the talks about no sex before marriage and STDs and teenage pregnancy. Twenty years later in life and the discussion around sex for single adults doesn't seem much more sophisticated. I've seen rejections of the idea that the Bible prohibits sex before marriage, and thankfully, have read more personal discussions of the reality of chastity. Still though, when I think of actual, applicable advice in navigating potentially sexual relationships, I'm not coming up with much advice...sad, because married and committed folk could likely benefit from a more honest discussion too.

I train in a martial art. Brazilian jiu jitsu to be exact. If you talk to anyone that's stuck with it a while, they'll mention the difficulty, the physical closeness, MMA, but universally, you'll hear about the bonds. Father to son, woman to woman, stranger to stranger, everyone mentions how training has helped them connect with a spouse, reconnect with a child or find a new or second family. None of that is accidental. BJJ, in all its closeness and difficulty, provides an environment of physical and emotional openness that fosters fast bonding. Safety+Vulnerability=Connection. It's just how humans work. It's why people in this photographer's experiment felt closer after just ten minutes of posing together. It happens even with people you don't like.

The sport is 90% male, so as a single, heterosexual female of reproductive age, all of that has created some interesting circumstances--particularly with three guys on my team. Like I mentioned before, BJJ puts you in a position where you develop a physical, non-sexual as well as an emotional intimacy with your training partners. You learn to listen to their breath and heartbeat to read their physical state and intent. I still remember the first time I sat with my ear on a teammate's bare chest, listening to his breath, trying to decipher when he might attack. I've come to accept that they squeeze, grab and touch all the parts of my body that I hide and accentuate with clothing. The bodily functions of gas, odor, sweat, bleeding, drool, menstruation, shedding hairs...they're all out there and everyone has to accept them, and the vast majority of the time, it's done in acceptance. It's all honestly one big study in breaking down cultural norms. There is no personal space. Respectfulness comes from behavior, not so much from restraining bodily processes. You watch each other get angry, frustrated, cry, lose, win, fall down, get back up, and again, and almost always do so with an attitude toward personal growth. You're left, stripped down of all sophistication and pretense, to be beaten down and humbled, again and again; and in that humility, accepted, again and again. It is almost impossible to do that...to be vulnerable and hurt and then met with safety and acceptance, and not connect with someone. Which brings us back to the three guys.

Four years into training and I haven't been involved with anyone at the gym. (It's advice I give to any woman training, regardless of her attitudes toward sex because, if you want to continue training in an already difficult and delicate environment, sex makes things tricky.) That said, sexual intimacy is just the icing on the cake. Things can go WAY awry before then...

• Hot Guy: No need to beat around the bush...this is the guy that EVERYONE notices. Not one straight woman in the gym, single, married or otherwise, hasn't commented on his physique. I remember when I first signed up and saw him walking across the parking lot...he has an intensity about him that's almost audible. He is very alpha and I noticed him noticing me. I decided immediately that this would not be an issue--not "I won't sleep with this guy" but instead, "I will not interact with him on a level that conveys interest". So no flirting, kidding, playful touching. The third class, I was working technique on the mat and heard a loud "snap". I looked up and saw him, just having whipped a towel, standing in his underwear, staring at me intensely. Considering the environment, that's not quite as out of place as it sounds, but his message was clear. Didn't matter though. Didn't matter that he was single. My lines were drawn well before he decided to flaunt his abs. Friendship happens though, and today, we talk, both at the gym and outside, but that's it. I've learned to not be so extreme as to not connect with men who I may be wary of, but I know the lines.  
• Married Guy: He's basically Hot Guy, but taller, more muscular and with a more engaging personality. Everybody loves him. I was instantly attracted to him, but kept my distance...not because of some extreme holiness, I just know that you never know the circumstances of anyone in a gym. A couple of months after he started training, he awkwardly introduced me to his wife. I'm very glad he did, because while he may be married, his door is quite open. Men who aren't directly open to cheat on their partners...you can feel that a door is closed, even if there's an attraction. I haven't known Married Guy as long, but I limit my interactions. While I'm open to having and have had long phone conversations with Hot Guy, Married Guy isn't something I can toy with on that level, precisely because there is attraction from my end too. 
• Buddy: A constant conundrum. He's not my type physically and vice versa, but he is a fellow INTJ and we clicked instantly and easily, which, for our personality type, is rare, so it results in a honeymoon of friendship. It's a relief to meet someone who thinks, feels and processes the world like you do, so you begin to share in and celebrate that relief with each other. We've spent hours on the phone discussing frustrations, food and music (he's a foodie and musician too), school, business, life and BJJ. We text literally every day. When I met him, he had a girlfriend...one I didn't like much. That aside though, I know myself and my natural penchant to playing semi-girlfriend and the personal pain that comes with that. I've managed my connection with him very carefully. When he first broke up with his girlfriend, I was reluctant to accept invitations to dinners that would have been innocuous with anyone else. They've separated again, likely permanently, but for my own sake, I didn't allow myself to be a support system. When he came to me asking advice as to whether he should stay with her, I remained neutral on the subject. I believe it's part of the reason that now, we have a viable and growing friendship. While there are still awkward moments, I very much appreciate our relationship for what it is. 

I wrote this post mostly for myself, but also because I've met many Christian women struggling with relationship statuses with the men around them. These struggles are the pre-cursors to many of the affairs, pre-marital sex, bad relationships  and out of wedlock children that the church bemoans so, but seems to be missing the mark when it comes to getting at the root of the problem. It ties in a bit to my previous post about churches not offering much emotional safety or support to single women. Without that, many women find themselves looking elsewhere for this support, and it's a difficult field to navigate. 

Tingles and Goosebumps and MMA

"Who doesn't like the tingles and goosebumps?"

That was a question posed at our last small group in reference to the exhilarating experiences that growth as a Christian has to offer. At first I thought "yeah...tingles are nice." But then I REALLY thought about it. While most emotional experiences are too complex to be simply liked or disliked um...tingles and goosebumps... not my favorites.

I believe that Christians all come from different starting points and we grow toward different goals, for which God has equipped us and customized our paths. Mine...well it goes a little something like this.

I'm naturally a pretty stoic person. One of my father's favorite memories is of his father openly admiring the emerging personality of my two-year old self. "She's not always smilin' and laughin' like other children." I wasn't one of those bubbly, endearing children. Some of my earliest memories are of people talking to me in kiddie voices and my not understanding why. Though extroversion and expressiveness was highly prized in my culture and extended family, I was raised to appreciate logic and reservedness.

When I was a teenager, my long time pastor died and my church home took a turn for the more charismatic and emotionally expressive. This came under leadership (a series of pastors) that was more interested in status, possessions, social clubs and attention. I was younger and not as in tune to social environments, but I remember a lot of fruitless conflict, scandal and division.

During that period I learned a lot of mistrust. I developed a distaste for gospel music that persists to this day...part of that is the musical character itself, but part is also a simple association with an unhappy corner of my life. I learned to mistrust emotional expression and in turn, began to mistrust emotional experiences (something that bled into all areas of my life, of course). Multiply that by my aforementioned nature and I ended up in a place where I've had to learn to re-trust, and re-appreciate emotions

To be completely honest, I find almost all emotional extremes to be slightly stressful, so of all the experiences that God brings into my life, I prefer the peace and still waters to the exhilaration and exuberance. I experience excitement very similarly to anger. Yes, excitement is preferable, but I find it tiring and, after a few moments with it, I'm ready for it to pass. I prefer exploration to adventure... fulfillment to elation...sadness to despair. .

On a side note, I took a break to see the results of one of the fighters from the gym and he talks about his recent disappointment and a prayer he prays before every fight. In the same study, we'd discussed the importance (and difficulty) of praying for not just what we want, but also for God's will and guidance. It was nice to hear that sentiment reiterated.

I can't believe God would forgive him...

I was talking with my cousin the other day about how difficult it can be to accept the idea that any of us, even those generally considered "unsavory" are up for a chance at salvation. It's been one of those concepts I've always somewhat superficially accepted under the canopy of "God is good...why not?", but never really internalized.

I was reminded a few days ago after reading Christians' harsh and condemning reactions to MMA fighter, Vitor Belfort's recent discussions on his relationship with God.

Check the fight shorts

I've mentioned it before, but my life has been very much changed by picking up the practice of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (the grounded, less punch-ful part of what you see in mixed martial arts matches.)...socially, physically, emotionally...all kinds of little and big changes that have completely taken me by surprise.

So yeah...I'm likely testing for my blue belt some time this year. Not to go too deep into the ranking system, but blue belt...generally takes about a year to two years of regular practice to achieve and is the point where you really start training the art. When I started, blue belts were super human to me...they could do such amazing things. I honestly never even considered wearing one, I just kept coming to class and all the guys (and ladies) kept encouraging slow, winded, falling and failing, inflexible me to keep pushing.

As it gets closer, I've found myself wondering if I REALLY deserve to wear one...I mean...there are guys (life long wrestlers, former football players, weight lifters) that wear the same blue color and could DEMOLISH me if they wanted. How am I allowed to put on this same belt as those who breezed through life as a white belt while I'm still winded and crouched after sparring?

One of the great things about the art of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is that they take just about anyone who walks (or rolls) through the door. 300lbs over weight? Come on in! 90lb female? You too! Blind? Yep! (that's my school in the video...hee:) Yes, you're evaluated based on pure, applied skill, but the person you were when you first stepped onto the mats is also taken into account. I totally get that now. It's a hard, complex sport, but it takes more courage to keep showing up if you're not "a natural".

As a Christian who spent most of their lives with the values, customs and behaviors that characterize (but doesn't define) Christians drilled into them from a young age, it can be easy to forget or ignore how far some people have to travel in their spiritual development to get to get to where they are.

It's essential to remember though, that the reward is not our call to make.

Christianity and Martial Arts

All my life I've wanted to study a martial art. Being the non-athlete that I am, I just figured it was outside of my reach. After finishing undergrad and rethinking who I was and what I "could" try, I decided I was going to take up the practice of...something...I just had no idea what. 

I looked into kung fu, tai chi, jeet kun do, krav maga...all kinds of arts. Besides price and availability, I ran into one big impediment to practice. Some arts do contain a spiritual element, and though I read testimony of many Christians that practice internal arts, I was never quite comfortable. That's not to say it's not possible, but it wasn't going to work for me.

During my search, I ran into a lot of Christian MMA and BJJ organizations. I couldn't figure out why so many Christians were drawn to what appears to be such a brutal sport. I eventually ended up practicing Brazilian jiu jitsu (an art many MMA fighters train in) after stumbling across it in a search for a muay thai school...both external arts...and I think the internal/external question is a key element in the link between martial arts and religion. 

Shaolin Monk

An interesting theory I read on a forum once...that external arts like jiu jitsu and muay thai are better suited to Christianity because of its core teaching of separation from the body...contrast that with a physical practice like yoga (connected with the practice of Hinduism), that teaches enlightenment through a deepened connection with the physical. So, if you're punching someone in the face, you're causing harm to the actual spiritual being. 

There's a quote from George Foreman thrown around...after he was asked how he, as a Christian, could practice such an aggressive art. He responded that none of it was done in anger. After spending some time with MMA fighters, I'm inclined to believe that. They are some of the most "slow to anger" people I've ever run into. It's really got me thinking why, even in the internal arts, are they so frequently practiced by monks and holy men.