It's not about sex.

I really didn't think I'd be back to writing about singleness, but blogging is funny.

I went to a private school up through 8th grade. We had all the talks about no sex before marriage and STDs and teenage pregnancy. Twenty years later in life and the discussion around sex for single adults doesn't seem much more sophisticated. I've seen rejections of the idea that the Bible prohibits sex before marriage, and thankfully, have read more personal discussions of the reality of chastity. Still though, when I think of actual, applicable advice in navigating potentially sexual relationships, I'm not coming up with much advice...sad, because married and committed folk could likely benefit from a more honest discussion too.

I train in a martial art. Brazilian jiu jitsu to be exact. If you talk to anyone that's stuck with it a while, they'll mention the difficulty, the physical closeness, MMA, but universally, you'll hear about the bonds. Father to son, woman to woman, stranger to stranger, everyone mentions how training has helped them connect with a spouse, reconnect with a child or find a new or second family. None of that is accidental. BJJ, in all its closeness and difficulty, provides an environment of physical and emotional openness that fosters fast bonding. Safety+Vulnerability=Connection. It's just how humans work. It's why people in this photographer's experiment felt closer after just ten minutes of posing together. It happens even with people you don't like.

The sport is 90% male, so as a single, heterosexual female of reproductive age, all of that has created some interesting circumstances--particularly with three guys on my team. Like I mentioned before, BJJ puts you in a position where you develop a physical, non-sexual as well as an emotional intimacy with your training partners. You learn to listen to their breath and heartbeat to read their physical state and intent. I still remember the first time I sat with my ear on a teammate's bare chest, listening to his breath, trying to decipher when he might attack. I've come to accept that they squeeze, grab and touch all the parts of my body that I hide and accentuate with clothing. The bodily functions of gas, odor, sweat, bleeding, drool, menstruation, shedding hairs...they're all out there and everyone has to accept them, and the vast majority of the time, it's done in acceptance. It's all honestly one big study in breaking down cultural norms. There is no personal space. Respectfulness comes from behavior, not so much from restraining bodily processes. You watch each other get angry, frustrated, cry, lose, win, fall down, get back up, and again, and almost always do so with an attitude toward personal growth. You're left, stripped down of all sophistication and pretense, to be beaten down and humbled, again and again; and in that humility, accepted, again and again. It is almost impossible to do that...to be vulnerable and hurt and then met with safety and acceptance, and not connect with someone. Which brings us back to the three guys.

Four years into training and I haven't been involved with anyone at the gym. (It's advice I give to any woman training, regardless of her attitudes toward sex because, if you want to continue training in an already difficult and delicate environment, sex makes things tricky.) That said, sexual intimacy is just the icing on the cake. Things can go WAY awry before then...

• Hot Guy: No need to beat around the bush...this is the guy that EVERYONE notices. Not one straight woman in the gym, single, married or otherwise, hasn't commented on his physique. I remember when I first signed up and saw him walking across the parking lot...he has an intensity about him that's almost audible. He is very alpha and I noticed him noticing me. I decided immediately that this would not be an issue--not "I won't sleep with this guy" but instead, "I will not interact with him on a level that conveys interest". So no flirting, kidding, playful touching. The third class, I was working technique on the mat and heard a loud "snap". I looked up and saw him, just having whipped a towel, standing in his underwear, staring at me intensely. Considering the environment, that's not quite as out of place as it sounds, but his message was clear. Didn't matter though. Didn't matter that he was single. My lines were drawn well before he decided to flaunt his abs. Friendship happens though, and today, we talk, both at the gym and outside, but that's it. I've learned to not be so extreme as to not connect with men who I may be wary of, but I know the lines.  
• Married Guy: He's basically Hot Guy, but taller, more muscular and with a more engaging personality. Everybody loves him. I was instantly attracted to him, but kept my distance...not because of some extreme holiness, I just know that you never know the circumstances of anyone in a gym. A couple of months after he started training, he awkwardly introduced me to his wife. I'm very glad he did, because while he may be married, his door is quite open. Men who aren't directly open to cheat on their partners...you can feel that a door is closed, even if there's an attraction. I haven't known Married Guy as long, but I limit my interactions. While I'm open to having and have had long phone conversations with Hot Guy, Married Guy isn't something I can toy with on that level, precisely because there is attraction from my end too. 
• Buddy: A constant conundrum. He's not my type physically and vice versa, but he is a fellow INTJ and we clicked instantly and easily, which, for our personality type, is rare, so it results in a honeymoon of friendship. It's a relief to meet someone who thinks, feels and processes the world like you do, so you begin to share in and celebrate that relief with each other. We've spent hours on the phone discussing frustrations, food and music (he's a foodie and musician too), school, business, life and BJJ. We text literally every day. When I met him, he had a girlfriend...one I didn't like much. That aside though, I know myself and my natural penchant to playing semi-girlfriend and the personal pain that comes with that. I've managed my connection with him very carefully. When he first broke up with his girlfriend, I was reluctant to accept invitations to dinners that would have been innocuous with anyone else. They've separated again, likely permanently, but for my own sake, I didn't allow myself to be a support system. When he came to me asking advice as to whether he should stay with her, I remained neutral on the subject. I believe it's part of the reason that now, we have a viable and growing friendship. While there are still awkward moments, I very much appreciate our relationship for what it is. 

I wrote this post mostly for myself, but also because I've met many Christian women struggling with relationship statuses with the men around them. These struggles are the pre-cursors to many of the affairs, pre-marital sex, bad relationships  and out of wedlock children that the church bemoans so, but seems to be missing the mark when it comes to getting at the root of the problem. It ties in a bit to my previous post about churches not offering much emotional safety or support to single women. Without that, many women find themselves looking elsewhere for this support, and it's a difficult field to navigate. 

Churches as a safe place

I was thinking this weekend how important my gym is to me. Being single means that you definitely have to fulfill your need for safe, supportive interactions in places other than romantic relationships. For me, one of those places is my gym. One of those places is not my workplace. When there is an upset at the gym, or the guys are off because of a loss, it disturbs me. I expect safety and a measure of  support. I've come to realize I've learned not to expect that at church.

We're reading the book Boundaries in the college group, and the chapter we did last week talked of how important it is for the church to be a safe place to singles and widows/widowers. Tonight, only one girl was able to make it. She's an obvious introvert. She told me about how she was teased to the point of tears about being quiet. This just shouldn't happen. I have a lot to say on the matter, but I think it's all summed up by saying that churches don't spend enough time teaching/encouraging people to be decent and not be bullies. It shows in our behavior both inside, and outside of the church walls. 

God of the Ordinary

A lot of the blogs I've been reading lately have been pointing back to the same theme...understanding...really understanding the character of God. Be it because of the challenge to pray from Carlos Whittaker to study the Bible less and pray more, or the revelations about the everydayness of God's work had over at Shrinking the Camel--lately I've been reflecting about God's imprint on my life.

I think it can be kind of difficult to see that print too early in life...you're just too close to the trees. Seeing that picture takes time and a step back that only age can provide. While I did get to talk to my grandmother about a look back on her life before she passed, I would have loved to have had the conversation again at the very end...when she REALLY knew it was over. When that peace and satisfaction hit her. I saw it on her face, but I didn't get to hear the words. No complaints though. It would have been hard to ask for a better end of life.

I read a post a month or so back at RZIM that kicked it all off and tackled the concept of "unanswered" prayers head on. Sure...I know my prayer time is probably not best spent praying for a trip to Samoa or that my cat will get better (Bamboo-Dog's fine btw) or for the health and well being of my family and friends...I know it's supposed to go beyond world peace and praying for people I don't know like Christians in foreign countries or the leaders of our world...I even know I should pray for my enemies. Beyond that though, I thought I was doing good by focusing my prayers around thanksgiving and praise and by focusing mostly on the well being of others. I thought I was doing so well with my list of needs of people in my life and beyond...and then Mr. Zacharias challenged all that. He asserted that the purpose of prayer first and foremost was to get to know God.

Now...I do take regular time to listen...TV off, mine clear of thoughts of cooking, Chinese or jiu jitsu, but until now, I'd never thought of prayer as primarily being about getting to know God. I'd always thought of it as kind of a really cool byproduct of the process or something that comes from a conversation or spending time with him.Will that slight, but important change in perspective change the format with which I pray? Probably not much. But I do think it will change the way in which I live.

I really think my life has been a lot like the Shrinking the Camel piece's description of the stock market, with the big stuff...the majority of the changes only coming from .03% of the time it's been in existence. This is the quote that really got me...

People like to think God is working through them . . . and they usually, mistakenly, mean it happens through fireworks and avalanches. But God is much more subtle than that, tending towards everyday-ness, and in leaving a long trail of kindness, character and consistency that actually adds up to something substantial over time. 


This is easy for even me to forget...I'm a person that doesn't like surprises. My best friend and travel companion likes to tease me about how I like to plan out activities in the day, and I respond that I don't like "a heart attack around every corner." I would think that God's everyday-ness would be welcome to me...and to a degree it is. I read the concept of a subtle God and my introverted little heart warmed.

...but every now and then I find myself looking back asking why I don't have more big moments...why there isn't more progressive upheaval in my life. Part of that I know is because God knows me and knows I'd likely lose a good chunk of my sanity if my life involved too much jerking and lurching...but I think part of that is a reflection of his character too. You look at his most beautiful and amazing creations, and the "fast" ones like trees and plants take months and years to form while the truly breathtaking ones took thousands, to perhaps millions to reach their current state. That aspect of God's character honestly comes at no surprise.

Helpmeets, helpmates and introvert burnout

It's been a rough week as an introvert.

We've had visitors at work, which means non-stop interraction...I'm talking from breakfast to lunch to dinner eaten with 27 other people...14 hour days with no alone time on top of presenting, presentations and discussions. I came home Friday feeling traumatized. Too beaten to even sleep. I seriously felt like I'd been assaulted at some internal level. I skipped the gym, fearing additional injury to a back that had been brutalized with 10 hrs of sitting and looked forward to a weekend of isolation...then it hit me Saturday night. Church. I felt panicked. The idea of bringing myself to talk and say hello again just felt like too much to handle. I prayed and mustered up the courage to go, which I'm glad I did, because it gave me perspective on the whole situation. The world of the corporate is really a modern day Charybdis from which I'm generally and thankfully sheltered. I forget sometimes how it can be. One week down, one week to go.

So yeah...the term "helpmeet"...never heard it until reading the comments of some of Mark Gungor's enthusiasts. It sounded a lot like "help mate", which I haven't really heard since the days in the church I was raised in., and honestly, it makes zero sense as a term unto itself. I've been meaning to get into researching the issue of gender equality in Christian marriage, so I had to do some digging.

From what I can see, it looks like it starts with a misunderstanding of the definition of the word "meet". In the phrase "a help meet for Adam", "meet" most likely takes on its second definition (English) which is equal to "fitting" or "proper", so you instead have "a help fitting for Adam". Makes much more sense.

That said, there's a lot of debate around what that word "help" was translated from and whether it even connotes a subservient position. You have the word "help", taken from the Hebrew "ezer"  which can translate to "aid", "protector" or even "defender", followed by "neged" which can mean "in front of" or "parallel to" or a few other things. Having studied four languages in my life, I'm well aware of where debates over translation can go and this one has some decent legs online (Google "ezer kenegdo). I'm not going to make an argument either way on a language I don't come close to understanding.

...I'm not 100% opposed to the idea of the man being head of household, and that's mostly because I'm a strong believer in the concept of servant leadership...a direct result of my business studies, work experience and most importantly because  of the example set by Jesus (you know...the guy who washed his disciples feet?). I've never been one to equate "leadership" with "dictatorship". Servant leadership is a concept developed by Robert Greenleaf and is summed up well here...

"The servant-leader is servant first… It begins with the natural feeling that one wants to serve, to serve first. Then conscious choice brings one to aspire to lead. That person is sharply different from one who is leader first, perhaps because of the need to assuage an unusual power drive or to acquire material possessions…The leader-first and the servant-first are two extreme types. Between them there are shadings and blends that are part of the infinite variety of human nature."
"The difference manifests itself in the care taken by the servant-first to make sure that other people’s highest priority needs are being served. The best test, and difficult to administer, is: Do those served grow as persons? Do they, while being served, become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous, more likely themselves to become servants? And, what is the effect on the least privileged in society? Will they benefit or at least not be further deprived?"

Greenleaf's book was required reading in a management symposium I took and I think everyone...yes, everyone, not just potential leaders, should read this. As a friend of mine says quite frequently "everyone's leading someone". On top of that though, you learn how to recognize those who are leading or want to lead to assuage and acquire. It's a good way to decide who's worth following.

The VP I work under now has been one of the best leadership experiences I've run across in my work life. I respect him and genuinely know he's on my side and will defend and protect my best interests (which he has consulted me on) when necessary. He's given guidance when he had insight and asked my opinion when he knew I had more experience in an area. I've been frank and open with him about my personality, concerns and fears and have been met with acceptance. He seldom tells me what to do...I say seldom, because I'm sure he has, but I don't remember ever actually being given an order...and I think that's because once a level of respect and trust has been established, his final say no longer feels like force.

Everyone in a household should be submitting to someone..children to parents, wife to husband and God, and husband to God and family. I'm always wary of any church, book, or, person that emphasizes the "help mate"/"head of household" teachings to the exclusion of a husband loving his wife as Christ loved the church. That emphasis, I believe reflects a bias that I have yet to see supported by actual Biblical teachings, and not just cultural extrapolations from ancient civilizations. While I don't think the Bible is totally clear on whether so called 50/50 marriages are the way to go, it is, I believe, quite clear, that all out domination is not the intended model. 

Quieting the Mind

I'm pretty bad at quieting my mind and I wonder if it's an introvert thing. I have no problems focusing, but when I stop moving and doing, a new level of activity begins. I do so much in there that when it's time to shut everything out there's a whole world of hustle, bustle and fun ideas waiting to explored rolling around in my skull. So much so that when it comes to prayer, I have to do it out loud, and conversationally.

I first noticed this was difficult for me when, during a spiritual symposium my leadership program in college had us doing, the minister leading it asked us to spend a week focusing on meditation (which freaked out my very religiously conservative boyfriend at the time). The deal was though, that instead of emptying the mind as some Asian religions teach, you're supposed to focus on God.

I remember coming home, hopping up on my extra long twin with the salmon-colored sateen duvet, leaning back against the painted cinder block wall and closing my eyes. Immediately, there was a whole world of thoughts, ideas, memories and fantasies to play with. I used to have an email signature that said "my mind is my playground" and that's exactly what I was facing...trying to concentrate on God surrounded by the things I found most comforting and entertaining.

I did though, improve.

But not too much.

I woke up to pray this morning and sat quietly. I was immediately surrounded by the sounds of songs from YouTube, memories of Thanksgiving, feelings of missing my grandmother, replays of the previous days' sparring and plans of what I'd have for breakfast. My cousin had just told me the night before that she had issues quieting her mind to pray and I chuckled at the mess I was trying to wade through to find the peace I needed to really meditate and converse.

But then I thought to pay attention. Thoughts aren't 100% uncontrollable or random. They happen for a reason and are reflections of choices we make in our hearts, minds and spirits every day. I looked at my hodgepodge and saw a reflection of priorities. Those things were on my mind because they were where I'd put the most emotional focus.

I'd been watching videos on YouTube of old songs to calm anxieties about going back to work. Thanksgiving  was full of new memories of seeing family. I'm fresh into the grieving process of saying goodbye to my grandmother. I'd had a phenomenal day, sparring with a higher belt at my gym who beat me beautifully...and...food's just a big deal to me.

I take away from that though, that in the last month of holiday preparation, burying a friend and relative, belt test prep and closing out a work year, I have been praying less and focusing less on God. It happened subtly, but it did happen. No...I take that back...I've probably been praying more...but mostly prayers of my own grief and concern for the emotions of those around me. My schedule is returning to normal now though, and while I'd gotten in more time talking to God out of burning necessity, I'd fallen off talking to him out of desire.

That is what I learned from the mess in my mind this morning. 

10 Myths about Introverts

I ran across this on another blog, and it bears repeating. I remember having each and every one of these labels applied to me as a child in church. I'm hoping people in all circles of life will become more aware of the very basic and elemental differences between introverts and extraverts, and come to see that both are valuable to the church in their own way.

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.

Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

On Emotion and Impulse: A Ravi Repost

There are a few choice famous people that really stand out to me in their thought processes and efforts. Ravi Zacharias is one of them. I won't gush too much, but he sent out the piece below in his most recent newsletter.


Emotion and Impulse

Author Daniel Goleman wrote a best-selling book in 1995 called Emotional Intelligence. He begins that book with the heart-stirring story of Gary and Mary Jean Chauncey who were in the Amtrak train that went down over a bridge into swirling waters which swallowed up the lives of many. They themselves were trapped in their compartment as they tried desperately to save their eleven year-old wheelchair ridden daughter Andrea. They succeeded in saving her life, and they did so at the cost of their own.

In describing this noble act, Goleman points out that such emotionally charged moments do not give birth to impulse in a vacuum, but rather it is the outworking of a commitment to certain values and truths already made in one's life. I believe Goleman is right in this sense. What is most obvious in the love and commitment of these parents to their young one is that passionate commitments never stand alone; they stand on the foundation of a worldview.

I mention this holding thought of many wars and much heartache around the globe, killings, insurgencies, and other manmade devastations. We shake our heads in disbelief that murderous and cruel individuals can masquerade throughout the world as heroes and saviors. They are not. They are destroyers of lives, addicted to hate and power. The truth is that many have wedded hate to their own selfish wills, and once hate lives in the human heart reason dies.

In fact, this is why Jesus said that it is not murder that is the crime; it is hate, the foundation where it all begins. He said that it is not adultery that makes a relationship wrong; it is the lust from where it all begins. You see, our actions do not come just by impulse. They come by a system of values to which our lives are deeply committed. Murderers and masterminds of violence and oppression are rarely emotionally deranged people; they are morally perverted. Their thinking is destructive and their emotions follow.

There is a simple lesson here. We must learn to think righteously if we are to act righteously. We must think justly and honorably and mercifully if we are to act with goodness and honor and mercy. And for this kind of strength, only God’s power is big enough. I hope your life and mine can learn to think God's thoughts after Him. Only then can hate be conquered and life be lived with truth and love. 

Tingles and Goosebumps and MMA

"Who doesn't like the tingles and goosebumps?"

That was a question posed at our last small group in reference to the exhilarating experiences that growth as a Christian has to offer. At first I thought "yeah...tingles are nice." But then I REALLY thought about it. While most emotional experiences are too complex to be simply liked or disliked um...tingles and goosebumps... not my favorites.

I believe that Christians all come from different starting points and we grow toward different goals, for which God has equipped us and customized our paths. Mine...well it goes a little something like this.

I'm naturally a pretty stoic person. One of my father's favorite memories is of his father openly admiring the emerging personality of my two-year old self. "She's not always smilin' and laughin' like other children." I wasn't one of those bubbly, endearing children. Some of my earliest memories are of people talking to me in kiddie voices and my not understanding why. Though extroversion and expressiveness was highly prized in my culture and extended family, I was raised to appreciate logic and reservedness.

When I was a teenager, my long time pastor died and my church home took a turn for the more charismatic and emotionally expressive. This came under leadership (a series of pastors) that was more interested in status, possessions, social clubs and attention. I was younger and not as in tune to social environments, but I remember a lot of fruitless conflict, scandal and division.

During that period I learned a lot of mistrust. I developed a distaste for gospel music that persists to this day...part of that is the musical character itself, but part is also a simple association with an unhappy corner of my life. I learned to mistrust emotional expression and in turn, began to mistrust emotional experiences (something that bled into all areas of my life, of course). Multiply that by my aforementioned nature and I ended up in a place where I've had to learn to re-trust, and re-appreciate emotions

To be completely honest, I find almost all emotional extremes to be slightly stressful, so of all the experiences that God brings into my life, I prefer the peace and still waters to the exhilaration and exuberance. I experience excitement very similarly to anger. Yes, excitement is preferable, but I find it tiring and, after a few moments with it, I'm ready for it to pass. I prefer exploration to adventure... fulfillment to elation...sadness to despair. .

On a side note, I took a break to see the results of one of the fighters from the gym and he talks about his recent disappointment and a prayer he prays before every fight. In the same study, we'd discussed the importance (and difficulty) of praying for not just what we want, but also for God's will and guidance. It was nice to hear that sentiment reiterated.

Being an introvert and attenvion vs. interraction

I remember my first solo musical performance in front of a large audience...it was done at the height of popularity of my church in the community. We had a new, dynamic pastor that kept the building (that seated over 500) packed to the point people that people had to be sent to satellite areas downstairs to watch the service on a closed circuit feed. It was the Sunday before Christmas, and I'd been asked to reprise my performance of The Little Drummer Boy (that I'd played for the kids program) for the whole congregation. It was a beautiful, rich arrangement that did an amazing job of reflecting the meaning of the song. I spent the whole performance, terrified by the church's deafening silence while I played. (There aren't many instances in Black sacred music where there is not either clapping or singing or yelling...constant feedback from the audience, which is honestly characteristic of our culture as a whole.) 

I finished the song, stood, turned to bow and saw the entire congregation on its feet, roaring and clapping. It was a nice feeling to know that people had appreciated something I did so much, but honestly, not enough to draw me back. 

That's my favorite performance of the song. Bowie's voice still surprises me in its non pop-funk form.

At the church I was raised in, kids basically had two options for service...you sang in the choir, or you ushered. My temperament in no way fit the energetic, attention-loving environment of the kids I knew that sang, so I became an usher. We had quiet meetings to coordinate our sitting, standing and door blocking, which I didn't mind too much, because we only met once a month, the meetings were only about 30 min and I had a massive crush on one of the guys.

Fast forward 15 years and lo and behold, I'm an usher again. Our recently arrived missions pastor came to me a couple months back and asked if I'd consider greeting for a couple of special occasions. He kept talking and said something that surprised me...genuinely surprised me...and I don't surprise easily by any measure. "You have such a positive welcoming energy, I was wondering if you'd help out." I swear I froze, waiting for a punch line. I know I've become more open in recent years (though not more extraverted), but I thought there must be some other 6' tall Black woman with natural hair that only shows up on days I'm not there that he THOUGHT he was talking to. (I might have brushed it off as flattery if someone at work hadn't said something similar a few days before.)

So I'm greeting today and it started to hit me what the real difference between ushering and singing at my old church was. If you'd asked me years ago, I would have said it was people who liked interacting with people (singers) and those who didn't (ushers). But today, realizing that I'd spoken to every person that set foot in the building, and remembering the faceless mass that had been behind me during that entire performance of The Little Drummer Boy, I understood that the position of greeting/ushering requires much more interaction on a one to one level than performing does.

Attention...I'm not sure what part it plays in the introversion-extroversion spectrum...I know many extroverts that enjoy attention and some that don't...can't say the same for introverts though...I know a lot (which is a big deal since we tend to stay in our little holes) and I can't name one that actually enjoys the attention of others. Yes, there are many introvert performance artists, but they seem to tolerate the attention as more of a hazard of the job than a reward (Johnny Depp comes to mind).

All I can think is that attention can translate as a sort of one-way, social interaction...because honestly, what is conversation but a series of alternating, mini-performances with cyclical feedback and what is performance besides a conversation?

What kind of tired are you?

I once received a list of things you realize as an adult. One of the. was "I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least a little tired."

So true.

I've been...tired lately. After 4 years of working full time while in grad school and dancing salsa multiple nights a week, it was hard for me to understand why I'm tired now. All I do is work and go to the gym! Had I gotten lazy? Weak? I realized tonight at Bible study that lately, I've been drained not physically and not short on sleep. I've been drained emotionally.

Sure, the different kinds of "tired" can be difficult to discern, but it's essential, because you don't know what kind of rest you need if you don't know what kind of tired you are. After traveling last week and playing catch up this week, I'm burnt. I almost skipped Bible study because I needed to rest and my first instinct was to spend time relaxing at home...honestly though, that wasn't what I needed. I've worked jobs where, no matter how much time I took off, there was never any feeling of healing or rest. It's incredibly frustrating and disheartening.

I went to study anyway and after discussing servant leadership (I Peter 5), I was reinvigorated and refocused toward my purpose in life. I've found that that's what's been most draining since graduation. It can be hard to see real purpose in your work sometimes, and the reminder that God has me where I am not only for others, but also for my personal development washes away a lot of the exhaustion and has helped me stop fighting against things I fear and focus on my purpose in my life at this moment.

Ohoh...I also came out of the jiu jitsu closet tonight to some church members. It seems silly, but you never know how people will react to a finding out. Being Black, I always assume people will see me as hyper aggressive. Being female, I assume it will be seen as improper. Being Christian, I'm sure a few people will see it as sinful. I was really happy to see how excited my pastor was about it. His wife and a couple other people were really hyped to find out too. Yays.

What should churches be doing for singles?

Over the past two days, I've twice been encountered with the laments of single women in church, looking for a partner. It's something I've been sort of slow to discuss with individuals lately, because some women, when met with my views that not all women are meant to marry, that we as women frequently don't try hard enough to understand who men really are and that the "prince" doesn't exist...well...I've been met with lectures on how I don't understand women who "really want" to be married and questions as to why God doesn't want us to have the best possible in all areas of our lives, no matter how gently I've phrased myself.


There's...a lot...there...on both my end on the opposite. It got me thinking why women feel lost in church when it comes to partnering and some seem very misguided on the Bible's stance on singleness. I've only heard men quote Paul's positive writings on staying single, and I think women especially could benefit from churches making efforts to meet the needs of singles. There are a bunch, but here are what I think are the top seven needs of singles in church...


1) Insight into the lives of single people in the Bible

2) Open discussion on the Biblically acceptable dating (relating to potential mates, money, sex, etc.)

3) Community involvment: Volunteer projects, keeping open and active connections with what's going on in the community.

4) Financial guidance (too many people wait until they're married to start thinking about money)


5) Feeling like a part of the church through having more visible, active, single leaders in the church

6) Self exploration: Encouraging singles to form groups/clubs based on interests

7) Guidance in finding God's will: Prayer groups

...I also think singles should get exposure to some honest looks into marriage. Maybe sitting in on some talks from married couples, divorced people and widowed members. I've learned a lot about the process not just from watching my parents' marriage, talking to my grandmother about her first and second marriages and talking to friends. 

What on earth am I here for?

"Our gifts, our ministries, our abilities, they are not an extension of ourselves. Our significance and our security lies in you."

Check out this message from David Chong Wui Howe.

At the end, David poses that you should ask yourself these four questions for guidance:

1) What do you feel joy doing? What is my deepest desire or passion?
2) What are you good at doing? What are my abilities, skills, spiritual gifts, mutant powers?
3) What do you feel are the biggest needs of the people around you?
4) What is your unique personality?
5) What do others in school, family, circle of friends, church community say about me? Is there confirmation from the Body of Christ?



This is something I've been praying about, earnestly, for over a decade. I've often wondered (usually in times of deep stress) why I feel I haven't yet found a clear answer, feeling as if I'm wasting the talents and time God as given me. At the end of the message, I heard something that is great insight into my situation: Finding God's purpose for your life is not just about praying, but also trusting God's will. I tend to struggle with that.

I'm beginning to understand that discomfort and difficulty do not mean we are necessarily in the wrong place...it may simply mean we are addressing a situation incorrectly, or that we were simply meant to go through that trial.

I believe that whole idea of "too blessed to be stressed" might be a bit misleading. It's come to mind because whenever I've told Christians that I'm stressed, the leading response is "be thankful for what you have". I am and have been. I get the core idea behind the saying. God has blessed you...don't worry. But stress is different than simple worry. Stress can come from exhaustion, frustration, misunderstanding and other places. It also implies that those who are stressed, aren't blessed or don't know/acknowledge it.

I've been prayerfully reading through Phillippians this week (new concept to me) and ran across this verse

Phil 2:28
Therefore I am all the more eager to send him, so that when you see him again you may be glad and I may have less anxiety.

Not saying my anxiety is related to concern over the things of God, but it seems as though being anxious is not necessarily an indicator you're following the wrong path.

The importance of friends

I was talking to a couple of friends after Bible study a couple nights ago, and we were talking about activities that have been productive in our lives and ones we enjoy. We're doing Peter, and had spoken briefly about how important it is to create bonds between people, and how that in turn, is how you make real changes in your life.

My mind's been on that topic quite a bit lately, and I'm realizing that it's important not only to have supportive people who want to see you grow in your life...not just to keep positivity around, but because there are many times in life, many things you'll have to do, where the people around you won't be positive, or supportive, or may just generally not care about you. Because of that, I want to say thanks for some of my friends and why they're a positive influence on me.

My frugal friends
People underestimate how much influence friends have on your spending habits. Having friends that aren't interested in driving luxury cars, are happy to have dinner together for a Christmas gift and are just as big as I am on traveling inexpensively is great.

My spiritual friends
This is a mix of new and old. These are the people who hear all my spiritual woes and highs. The ones that share revelations they've had and struggles they're going through. From a Ravi Zacharias weekend to  feedback on this blog.


My brainy friends
These don't let me get intellectually stagnant. They don't watch reality TV (or much TV at all for that matter). They read, they question, they think, they share and discuss. They keep me up on the worlds of education, art, business, science and technology. Kind of like the pre-Twitter Twitter feed.

My healthy friends
These are relatively new, but they're making me change the way I see my physical health. They (gently) encourage me to do more, eat better and live in a way that honors my body. I think of them a lot when eating and going about my day, and just knowing what they would do makes me make small changes in my life that are adding up.

The coolest thing is that a lot of the people in my life cross multiple categories.

I figured this was a good video to add for this post. It's one of my favorite songs, but the video's hilarious. Now...Joe Cocker...

Christianity and Martial Arts

All my life I've wanted to study a martial art. Being the non-athlete that I am, I just figured it was outside of my reach. After finishing undergrad and rethinking who I was and what I "could" try, I decided I was going to take up the practice of...something...I just had no idea what. 

I looked into kung fu, tai chi, jeet kun do, krav maga...all kinds of arts. Besides price and availability, I ran into one big impediment to practice. Some arts do contain a spiritual element, and though I read testimony of many Christians that practice internal arts, I was never quite comfortable. That's not to say it's not possible, but it wasn't going to work for me.

During my search, I ran into a lot of Christian MMA and BJJ organizations. I couldn't figure out why so many Christians were drawn to what appears to be such a brutal sport. I eventually ended up practicing Brazilian jiu jitsu (an art many MMA fighters train in) after stumbling across it in a search for a muay thai school...both external arts...and I think the internal/external question is a key element in the link between martial arts and religion. 

Shaolin Monk

An interesting theory I read on a forum once...that external arts like jiu jitsu and muay thai are better suited to Christianity because of its core teaching of separation from the body...contrast that with a physical practice like yoga (connected with the practice of Hinduism), that teaches enlightenment through a deepened connection with the physical. So, if you're punching someone in the face, you're causing harm to the actual spiritual being. 

There's a quote from George Foreman thrown around...after he was asked how he, as a Christian, could practice such an aggressive art. He responded that none of it was done in anger. After spending some time with MMA fighters, I'm inclined to believe that. They are some of the most "slow to anger" people I've ever run into. It's really got me thinking why, even in the internal arts, are they so frequently practiced by monks and holy men.

You can't share what you don't know you have...

Man...the message at church this morning was one of those that had my mind and heart whirling. A LOT jumped out at me, but there was one that stood out and got me thinking down a lot of conduits in my life.

The message was about love, and my pastor mentioned that he'd been assuming, until recently, that the bulk of the all the gifting and effort around Christmas was motivated by love, as opposed to other things. 

I've made some serious assumptions about the people around me myself. I've been profoundly blessed with healthy, positive, supportive and long-lasting relationships. Not saying I don't have some rotten ones hanging on and popping up every now and again, but the good ones create the foundation of my life...and when you have something that's too constant, it's WAY easier to forget it's even there. Kind of like oxygen or a heartbeat. Doesn't sound like too big a deal, but forgetting blessings doesn't just mean I'm shorting God some thanks. When I forget the beauty of what I have, I forget what I have to share with others. 

...and I tend to assume they have the same things I do. Every week I realize a bit more how much this world of business can deprive its members of healthy, relationship based lives. How much "time off with friends and family" is just something to be scheduled, checked off, and recounted for a few minutes the morning back after a vacation. It's not just an expectation, it's a part of the culture. Rejecting that culture will cause loss. It will. The system just isn't set up to let people have it both ways. It benefits from people who are willing to sacrifice relationships and personal health. 

It's nice though, to see more options in telecommuting and job design so that people can satisfy their roles as workers but not lose touch with the communities that they're a part of.  

Jerk Love

"My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism. ²Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. ³If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet," ⁴have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?

James 2: 1-4

We've been doing James in Bible study (I'm liking it!!). It's my favorite book...a heavy, sometimes painful book, but what can I say...I like straightforward:) There's a constant ebb and flow between the concrete and the abstract, which I believe is one of the core points of the book...and possibly even why James' statements seem to come out of nowhere in certain points. Well, tonight was chapter 2 and we were covering the concept of discrimination and prejudice. The book addresses it from a point of income, but as my pastor pointed out, it can be extrapolated into other areas...for me that was personality. He joked (I...think...) that I was given the gift of dealing with jerks. I really think they get discriminated against. I know I've always gravitated toward...edgier personalities...friends, relatives, hobbies, TV characters (which is why I think there was something deeper than humor behind what he said). It's something I understand. I have a personality that's quite a few degrees less than "warm and snuggly" and I know what it's like to be misunderstood on that level, so it's generally easy for me to look past some of the thorns and pricklies that people carry around with them.

I really have to say though...there are a LOT of "impoverished" personalities in my life right now. Maybe more than ever before and recently there's been even more of an up-tick. I also have to say that my reactions have not be the best. Jerks come in a pretty wide range of intensities. Some just have, let's say, "misguided" senses of humor. Other's are generally predatory on weaker personalities, and those are the ones that get to me. (Especially since in studying martial arts, I've put/found myself in a position of weakness.) But, as my aunt says "Hurt-people hurt people." I have to keep reminding myself of this. It is not my right to pass judgement on people's actions...even if they hurt me or others. 

I'm not who I thought I was.

Great message at church this morning. It was one of those where a LOT of stuff jumped out at me and I had to frantically try to note it all down. What stood out to me most though, was the verse below.

John 1:42 (NIV)
And he brought him to Jesus. Jesus looked at him and said, "You are Simon son of John. You will be called Cephas" (which, when translated, is Peter ).

Being a Christian that was raised in church is an interesting thing. You've heard the basics probably thousands of times, but as your life grows and changes, those basics take on new meanings and God reveals new insights. I heard this verse and immediately thought back to who I was 10 years ago. I was 20, in my junior year of college. I was in love with the image of the suit-wearing corporate life and had been for years. (I transitioned straight from lacy, pastel dresses covered in glitter and tulle to double breasted skirt suits. Power skirt suits.) I was dating a really sweet, artistic Christian guy and was looking forward to all the cute heels I was going to buy to match my suits.

Well, my first job in my field was with a very laid back company. Jeans every day. Suits only when going on site with clients. I thought that laid-back, jeans-and-tshirt corporate culture only applied to Silicon Valley companies like Apple and Google, but I was quite wrong. My first couple of business trips, it was fun to walk through the halls, towering in a dark suit, ankle length coat and leather gloves. My boss at the time told me repeatedly that I had the "look" and "walk" of a consultant. Well, it was fun...all of two times. The novelty wore off and suits just became uncomfortable. Business trips became burdensome (and I really haven't been on that many.) 

I prayed, for YEARS to be removed from this job. I didn't explicitly ask for a more corporate assignment, but deep down, that's what I wanted. I sit now, 10 years later, thankful that I never got sucked into the whirlpool of traditional corporate culture. I call it a whirlpool because it's not something you just step out of. It really is an uncompromising, all-consuming, distinct lifestyle. Your values change. Habits form. Which, incidentally, is what I think your 20s are about...establishing habits and standards of living. I'm thankful God has taught me to live a relatively minimalistic life. I never developed a taste for fancy cars (though I do have a natural taste for fancy food:), high end electronics or name brands. My life now is happily composed of weekend cooking projects, training Brazilian jiu jitsu, building an organization to connect China and the US my quiet job and the occasional international trip.

I don't want as much as I thought. Well...that's not true. My wants haven't changed much. It's more that they're quieter and I now know that the things I want don't make me feel half as good as I'd expected. At best, they give temporary comfort. At worst, they make me feel bloated...like I've eaten too much. But I know...that even years ago, God knew where my true happiness was. He knows my real name. He knows what suits me as an individual, and I know that the last few years have been about "purging" so many outside standards that I'd managed to absorb over the years. 

Balancing blessings and ambition...

My life's gone through some interesting and subtle changes over the last year. I finished grad school, turned 30 and started a martial art (which I've always wanted to do). When I take a step back and look at my life, it makes me smile. I know I'm blessed...I have family that loves me and that I'm growing closer to in a time where families are drifting apart. I have a steady job with growing potential in an environment where people are struggling to survive. My life is financially sound at an age where most people are saddled with loads of educational and consumer debt. I have overall peace in a time when life is becoming more stressful.

Some of these same changes though, have wrinkles of discontent popping up in my head. I finished grad school...I don't know if we're programmed through education to expect grand-change every four or so years, but I feel like something big should be happening now. I feel like I should move. Also, my friends are moving away. My best friend moved away late last year. We didn't hang out a lot (we're both big inside people and talked a lot online), but it made me sad. It was definitely the best choice for her, and she's happier, but I miss her and it still makes me feel a little lonely...which is WAY rare for me. On top of that, another friend is thinking of moving. That just ads fuel to the "I really need to do something!" fire. On top of that, I'm at a point in my Chinese studies where, to become fluent (a big goal of mine), I need to spend some time immersed. I'm at a point in life where I have almost no commitments (aside from a job) and though I'm quite single, I still worry that if I don't go plop myself down in Taiwan right now, I'm going to end up married with children in the blink of an eye, tied down for twenty or so years and unable to explore that option for a very long time. 

On the other side of that coin, I have even more changes that have me wanting to settle down here, where I was raised. I have my "new" church...a great place where I feel I can grow a lot spiritually. This has been one of the greatest blessings in my life. There's also my Brazilian jiu jitsu school. I really love it there and genuinely want to stay with my instructors while I pursue a black belt (we're looking at 10+ years...easily). I'm making new friends, improving myself and for the first time in...maybe my life, I'm excited to see people that I'm not already long time friends with. And then, I have my roots. My family...immediate and extended are here and I'm at the point in life where I'd like to buy a house. Couple that with low mortgage rates and home prices and I feel pressure to move in that area.

Choices are a crazy thing. Mine are great ones to have...freedom and options...but being torn between personal ambitions and God's guidance has left me terrified of making a mistake in either direction. That concern though, I think is a reflection of how I view God. I think it signals that I see him, at least in part, as some great puzzle-master, throwing challenges at me with one choice leading to ultimate disaster and ruin. I know that's not true, but I don't think I believe it yet. 

Difficult People

Until recently, I had a very narrow view of who difficult people were in my life. Having worked in traditional office environments and traditional church settings, they were basically the people that did things that got on my nerves. Lately though, I've been broadening that definition, because honestly, a difficult person can have a negative impact on your life even if they aren't "out to get you."

What I've found most dangerous about all of these, is that their behavior and decisions can and have clouded my judgment in properly hearing and responding to God's guidance in my life. For me, they have all caused stress, frustration and sadness…emotions that have "clogged my spiritual ears" so to speak. Sometimes God wants you in a certain situation and it's entirely too easily fall back on the "bail" reflex because someone is making that situation uncomfortable. I've also had the opposite problem though. I don't like being forced to do things. So, for instance, when someone has tried to force me out of a situation, or said they didn't think I could accomplish something, I've dug my heels in deeper for the sake of my ego and drive, not God's plan.

 The Arch Enemy: We've probably all seen this person. They may be an outright bully. They may go behind your back. They may be a sociopath. In any case, they have a personal issue with you and make direct and specific efforts to get in your way or tear you down.

War Makers: This one took me most by surprise…or at least the impact it's had on my life has. I've always known that there were people who lived their lives differently than me. That's what makes the world interesting. I started to notice problems in two different situations though. First, when a person feels they need you to conform to their world in order for them to be comfortable or second, when you're forced into someone else's world because of association (work, church, community efforts, etc.) and the world you want doesn't jive with the world they're building. In this case, there isn't necessarily any hostility and neither party is necessarily wrong, but the scenario easily leads to either or both of you being a thorn in the other's side.

Trickle Downs: Very similar to War Makers, and for me, particularly frustrating. These are the people who make decisions in their lives, and those decisions then affect you. For me, this has most frequently shown up from people in power. Though I understand that life is often unfair, I'm a believer in the concept of servant leadership. I believe that leaders exist in part to help minimize inequity in the lives of their followers…so I find it offensive, even to the point of anger, when that responsibility is blatantly ignored solely to support the assumptions/needs that an individual might have.

I've found it useful to ask myself a few questions when my "hearing" starts to go...

1) Have you been falling off on your devotional time? Have you allowed your focus to shift?

2) Are your emotions reflections of tangible threats, or simply feelings unto themselves?

3) Are you ignoring the impact that people are having on you in an effort to make the problem more comfortable to solve? (This seems to happen most often with family for me)

4) Why are you feeling what you're feeling? 

5) When are you feeling what you're feeling? Is it at work? After church? Only when talking to certain people? Only when hearing about certain people?

Interestingly, even when the motivations weren't personal, my life was still changed. That's really gotten me over the idea that personal attacks are different, or worse, than impersonal ones…all have an impact on your life and a person's motivation really doesn't make much difference in the long run. Sure, most of us prefer to be liked, but if someone is causing confusion in my life because of mental illness, the effect is seldom much different than if they do it because someone hurt them in their past or if they just don't like my hair cut (though in each case, the response might be very different.)

Routine and Good Habits

As much as I love my various pursuits (languages, Brazilian jiu jitsu, cooking), I sometimes hit periods where my inspiration isn't as strong as others. I think these periods are important for allowing concepts to cement themselves, application and for reflection. At the same time though, these periods can not only be discouraging, but can also be gateways into inactivity and missed periods for growth.

I don't think our spiritual lives are at all immune from this issue. 

A few years ago, I was visiting my cousin in South Carolina. She took me to visit her Bible study group, and while I can't tell you what we talked about, one bit of advice stuck with me. The man who was leading it says that he read a chapter of Psalms and a Proverbs every night. It seems mundane on the surface, but each time I read through the book, I know God has revealed something new, or taken me deeper on an old concept.

My sleep schedule's been off lately (for various reasons) and I've been sleeping in until the last second before work. Result? Not doing my morning devotional. I've lapsed in the past, but having this small "habit" makes a huge difference in keeping me connected.