Churches as a safe place

I was thinking this weekend how important my gym is to me. Being single means that you definitely have to fulfill your need for safe, supportive interactions in places other than romantic relationships. For me, one of those places is my gym. One of those places is not my workplace. When there is an upset at the gym, or the guys are off because of a loss, it disturbs me. I expect safety and a measure of  support. I've come to realize I've learned not to expect that at church.

We're reading the book Boundaries in the college group, and the chapter we did last week talked of how important it is for the church to be a safe place to singles and widows/widowers. Tonight, only one girl was able to make it. She's an obvious introvert. She told me about how she was teased to the point of tears about being quiet. This just shouldn't happen. I have a lot to say on the matter, but I think it's all summed up by saying that churches don't spend enough time teaching/encouraging people to be decent and not be bullies. It shows in our behavior both inside, and outside of the church walls. 

Anti-institutionalism and the Church

I was talking to my father the other day, who mentioned that one of the main reasons young people leave the church is because of evolution being taught in schools. This idea--the thought that the great forces of the American educational system are pulling people in droves from the pews--is one that's come to ring a bit misguided on my ears. I honestly don't believe most people think that deeply about their existence for evolution vs. creation to be the make or break decision that keeps people in bed on Sunday mornings.

I was talking to a friend at the gym yesterday--one who used to attend church but no longer does--about the concept. He said he didn't go because he never left with anything useful. I really had to think about that, since so many people I know who no longer attend church...well...they're not doing a lot of deep thinking about the origins of life. Most people are working their way through every day life the best they can and a result of that in the US has left a large number of people turned against institutions, all institutions. 

It started back in the 60s and 70s. People stopped trusting business, government, the police, the church, marriage...the list goes on. I've been reading Chris Hayes' Twilight of the Elites, and well, I think he's hit on something. The the moral leaders, the sports heroes, politicians, doctors, lawyers, scientists, teachers,  priests, police officers, ambassadors...they've all let us down. The bond has been broken and I doubt will be easily rebuilt, if it can be at all.

That lack of trust in the institution and the very concept of hierarchy is what I believe the church is seeing manifested in its dropping attendance numbers. These days I don't believe most people will even get close enough to the church to reject its teachings. They mistrust the structure itself--a structure I don't believe is even necessary to the faith (especially considering the structure of the early church). 

The big problem there though, is what the alternative is. I've had this discussion with my best friend before--both of us being single, childless and unmarried. Society, religious or secular, has no connection points for us. No home base. We are not married, we are not mothers and therefore we are not. The church also reflects that. I don't know if any society has been able to promote connection based on anything deeper than demographic check boxes. I believe most societies actually discourage it for the sake of their own preservation.

So yeah...no one knows how to answer our question and our question is spreading into the world of the non-singles. How do people bond if marriage, procreation, family, home and career are no longer a trustworthy? Until that question is answered and the answer applied within church walls, those outside the church, those coming up as children in the church and those considering leaving will find little reason for connection beyond commandment. 

God of the Ordinary

A lot of the blogs I've been reading lately have been pointing back to the same theme...understanding...really understanding the character of God. Be it because of the challenge to pray from Carlos Whittaker to study the Bible less and pray more, or the revelations about the everydayness of God's work had over at Shrinking the Camel--lately I've been reflecting about God's imprint on my life.

I think it can be kind of difficult to see that print too early in life...you're just too close to the trees. Seeing that picture takes time and a step back that only age can provide. While I did get to talk to my grandmother about a look back on her life before she passed, I would have loved to have had the conversation again at the very end...when she REALLY knew it was over. When that peace and satisfaction hit her. I saw it on her face, but I didn't get to hear the words. No complaints though. It would have been hard to ask for a better end of life.

I read a post a month or so back at RZIM that kicked it all off and tackled the concept of "unanswered" prayers head on. Sure...I know my prayer time is probably not best spent praying for a trip to Samoa or that my cat will get better (Bamboo-Dog's fine btw) or for the health and well being of my family and friends...I know it's supposed to go beyond world peace and praying for people I don't know like Christians in foreign countries or the leaders of our world...I even know I should pray for my enemies. Beyond that though, I thought I was doing good by focusing my prayers around thanksgiving and praise and by focusing mostly on the well being of others. I thought I was doing so well with my list of needs of people in my life and beyond...and then Mr. Zacharias challenged all that. He asserted that the purpose of prayer first and foremost was to get to know God.

Now...I do take regular time to listen...TV off, mine clear of thoughts of cooking, Chinese or jiu jitsu, but until now, I'd never thought of prayer as primarily being about getting to know God. I'd always thought of it as kind of a really cool byproduct of the process or something that comes from a conversation or spending time with him.Will that slight, but important change in perspective change the format with which I pray? Probably not much. But I do think it will change the way in which I live.

I really think my life has been a lot like the Shrinking the Camel piece's description of the stock market, with the big stuff...the majority of the changes only coming from .03% of the time it's been in existence. This is the quote that really got me...

People like to think God is working through them . . . and they usually, mistakenly, mean it happens through fireworks and avalanches. But God is much more subtle than that, tending towards everyday-ness, and in leaving a long trail of kindness, character and consistency that actually adds up to something substantial over time. 


This is easy for even me to forget...I'm a person that doesn't like surprises. My best friend and travel companion likes to tease me about how I like to plan out activities in the day, and I respond that I don't like "a heart attack around every corner." I would think that God's everyday-ness would be welcome to me...and to a degree it is. I read the concept of a subtle God and my introverted little heart warmed.

...but every now and then I find myself looking back asking why I don't have more big moments...why there isn't more progressive upheaval in my life. Part of that I know is because God knows me and knows I'd likely lose a good chunk of my sanity if my life involved too much jerking and lurching...but I think part of that is a reflection of his character too. You look at his most beautiful and amazing creations, and the "fast" ones like trees and plants take months and years to form while the truly breathtaking ones took thousands, to perhaps millions to reach their current state. That aspect of God's character honestly comes at no surprise.

Fleeing from Temptation

So in small group, we're taking turns leading. Tonight, one of the guys covered the topic of temptation. I always like hearing him talk...he's honest and open and has some perspective on the Christian life that I don't often get to see. He said a LOT of stuff that had me thinking and reviewing and remembering (and preparing because I'm up next)...but when he got to the part about fleeing from temptation, I thought immediately that I've never really been in a position to do that...then I remembered the most recent "Hot Guy" (from high school to salsa lessons, there always manages to be one around somewhere).

This one was at my gym--and as I'm writing this, I'm terrified that somehow, he might run across this post because that's just how my life works--I saw him before I even made it in the building...he's just one of those guys where you can hear the hotness. Anytime a woman comes in, he's the first thing they notice...even the straight men have crushes on him. Anyway, considering his demeanor, appearance (looks a lot like an old crush from middle school days) and the bond-inducing nature of the martial art I practice, I was on guard right out of the gates. I could easily see myself falling for him and I think he knew too. Sure enough, he offered his body up. Now, I'm not saying that as churchly euphemism for him wanting me to sleep with him. The way he approached me was a subtle, but almost a literal offering of his body.

Sexual temptation isn't a huge issue of mine, but there was something about him...something I knew could draw me in with little effort. I'd felt a calling from God a few months before I joined his gym to get focused on my spiritual growth and I genuinely believe this guy was the reason. I needed to be able to "flee" when the time arose, and flee I did. And it caused issues. Negative reactions on his part that had to be ironed out. Difficulty in scheduling lessons trying to keep optimal distance. I felt nutty at first, questioning whether I was going overboard or overreacting, but I don't think I was. I could have easily positioned myself as Hot Guy's "friend" (something I had a habit of doing earlier in life), but that would have been the equivalent of my walking into an all you can eat dim sum spot while on a diet and promising myself I'd only have two soup dumplings...guaranteed defeat.

From dieting to emotional peace (struggling with that now) to situations like this, it amazes me how far in advance you need to say "no" to avoid temptation. Forget not dipping a toe in the water, sometimes you can't even go to the beach.

Tingles and Goosebumps and MMA

"Who doesn't like the tingles and goosebumps?"

That was a question posed at our last small group in reference to the exhilarating experiences that growth as a Christian has to offer. At first I thought "yeah...tingles are nice." But then I REALLY thought about it. While most emotional experiences are too complex to be simply liked or disliked um...tingles and goosebumps... not my favorites.

I believe that Christians all come from different starting points and we grow toward different goals, for which God has equipped us and customized our paths. Mine...well it goes a little something like this.

I'm naturally a pretty stoic person. One of my father's favorite memories is of his father openly admiring the emerging personality of my two-year old self. "She's not always smilin' and laughin' like other children." I wasn't one of those bubbly, endearing children. Some of my earliest memories are of people talking to me in kiddie voices and my not understanding why. Though extroversion and expressiveness was highly prized in my culture and extended family, I was raised to appreciate logic and reservedness.

When I was a teenager, my long time pastor died and my church home took a turn for the more charismatic and emotionally expressive. This came under leadership (a series of pastors) that was more interested in status, possessions, social clubs and attention. I was younger and not as in tune to social environments, but I remember a lot of fruitless conflict, scandal and division.

During that period I learned a lot of mistrust. I developed a distaste for gospel music that persists to this day...part of that is the musical character itself, but part is also a simple association with an unhappy corner of my life. I learned to mistrust emotional expression and in turn, began to mistrust emotional experiences (something that bled into all areas of my life, of course). Multiply that by my aforementioned nature and I ended up in a place where I've had to learn to re-trust, and re-appreciate emotions

To be completely honest, I find almost all emotional extremes to be slightly stressful, so of all the experiences that God brings into my life, I prefer the peace and still waters to the exhilaration and exuberance. I experience excitement very similarly to anger. Yes, excitement is preferable, but I find it tiring and, after a few moments with it, I'm ready for it to pass. I prefer exploration to adventure... fulfillment to elation...sadness to despair. .

On a side note, I took a break to see the results of one of the fighters from the gym and he talks about his recent disappointment and a prayer he prays before every fight. In the same study, we'd discussed the importance (and difficulty) of praying for not just what we want, but also for God's will and guidance. It was nice to hear that sentiment reiterated.

Why aren't churches hooking up more singles?

On an online Christian forum last night, I read a particularly heart-felt post from a lady, who'd noticed how many unpaired people, both male and female, there were at a New Year's service at a very prominent church in the American South. She asked why churches weren't doing more to get their singles together. Responders to the post echoed the same sentiment, complaining that singles Bible studies didn't do enough to encourage couple-hood and that they were instead, run by "marrieds", dolling out the usual "be patient" and "this is all part of God's plan", to which one poster replied "walk a mile in my shoes". (I've personally heard more of the opposite...singles studies and activities turning into perpetual, drama-filled, Bible-based dating games)

At first thought, I felt as if I were more than qualified, because I have walked a mile or two in the shoes of singleness, but I've come to know that it comes in different forms, with people single for different reasons. I fall more toward the end of the "Single by choice" spectrum...not shunning partnership, but not endlessly pining for it either. It's hard for me to genuinely understand, but I know that there are Christians that deeply want to be married or don't want to be single anymore. I don't know if I'll ever understand, but I can sympathize.

That said, I do not believe it is the responsibility of churches to actively get their singles together. To do so is to imply that everyone should be coupled, or that everyone that WANTS to be married, should be. I do, though, believe that the church has certain responsibilities to singles:

1) To provide an environment that is "safe" for them. Basically, an environment where they can be single, without being accused of whatever short-comings people tend to believe "cause" singleness or left out of church activities.

2) To provide an environment that does not pity singlehood. The more it's pitied, the easier it is to view this lifestyle as something negative. It's not. It's a period where you have more room in your life for other people than if you were married.

3) To provide an environment that does not trivialize single life as a pass-through period of life. Whether you marry at 18, 30, 65 or never, being single isn't marriage's waiting room.

4) To encourage singles to take care of themselves as individuals, not just in preparation for marriage. Staying fit is about honoring the body you've been given, not just attracting, or pleasing a potential mate.

5) To create an environment where singles CAN get to know each other.

6) To maintain lines of communication between marrieds and singles. Yes, the two lifestyles do have aspects of them that should not be actively shared, but both have ideas and opportunities to offer each other, and shouldn't be completely segregated.

I also believe there is a duty to acknowledge that the title "single" also includes divorced people, separated people, those who have lost a spouse and possibly, even those who are attending church without their spouse.