Music and my mind.

This is probably one of the most sensitive topics when it comes to discussing my faith. It played a key part in my breakup with a college boyfriend and to this day it confounds me.

So I was talking with my cousin the other day about the maze of music today that is s=Sacred. I learned some very interesting things from her (she's all music'd up in the degree department) about hymns, the Reformation and the changes in sacred music in the West. The most interesting probably being the recent rebirth of the hymn through artists like Keith and Kristyn Getty. That conversation got me thinking that I need to at least start talking about this.



My introduction to sacred music ran in synch with the rest of my life. An indelicate blend of Southern Black American and carefully tempered White Southern Baptist. Songs like the one above mingled with Kenneth Copeland, Sandi Patty and the big favorite of my brother's and mine...the Prism Series (Red was the best...I don't care what anyone says).

Well...one day the pastor of the church I was born in died and things changed. A new pastor came in and everything was different. The music, the people...it marked an enormous loss of innocence in my life...and the soundtrack? Modern Praise music. At first, I simply disliked the sound. Kirk Franklin sounded distinctly disrespectful to ears that missed the reserved Yield not to Temptation. After a while though, I began to associate it with loss, corruption, deceit, scandal and the disintegration of the safe and warm church home I once knew. Though I do love some of the chord progressions, I still dislike the general style of gospel music and vocals, so it's hard for me to sort out the scars and my personal preferences.

In high school I played handbells (don't laugh)...and when I say I played handbells, I played HANDBELLS. By my senior year I'd been playing five years and had the distinguished title of "soloist" and co-president. We performed every year at EPCOT's Candlelight Processional during the Christmas season. If you ever get a chance...go. A series of stars every year narrate the story of Christ's birth, accompanied by a mass choir and full orchestra. (I saw it  this year with Blair Underwood and it was amazing). I'll never forget the first performance. Every show ends with the Hallelujah Chorus and, as custom dictates, the audience stands. Apparently they didn't want to write handbells into the arrangement, so we always just stood and looked onall that was Disney that lay before us. I remember looking out into the audience and seeing tears. One woman in particular...crying. I'd never seen music do that before. It was the first time I really understood.



A few weeks later at our high school Christmas concert, our choir mixed up their traditional repetoir with the modernized version of Handel's work. I was offended. It's such a grandiose and uplifting piece and I felt all of that had been lost in a sea of repetition and...volume.

In college I dated...guess what...a gospel singer! He had a gorgeous voice, LOVED his choir...the music, the people, the lifestyle. I went along to some performances...I was trying to open myself up and after all, I was a Christian, I should be able to appreciate it. Each performance felt like I was reliving some quiet trauma. Even the people themselves I found off-putting. He loved the music though...constantly trying to get me to appreciate Donnie McClurkin while I was busy exploring the worlds of Mahler, Maxwell, Mystikal and Queen.  I heard more of the beauty of our creator in Freddie Mercury's "All God's People" than I did in Gospel songs sung straight from the scriptures. I think that's when I realized exactly how jaded I had become.  Not that I SHOULD have liked the music, but I just didn't understand why the personal experience of songs like Amazing Grace didn't seem to exist anymore. I felt lost musically as a Christian.

I then I tried Christian rap...yeah.

A few years later, I took guitar lessons at a community college. Our instructor, Bill, was working on his degree in jazz guitar and played at his church. The man played an amazing lead. He asked who I wanted to emulate as a guitarist. When I said Brian May, he stretched out his hands and gestured for my guitar. He immediately started to play in May's distinctive style. I felt a shock run through my body at hearing my little strat belting out the string of jaunty chords. May's music is full of laughter, pain, intensity, happiness, frivolity...I've never heard his emotional range anywhere else and there was no one else I wanted to sound like. I asked what, technically, made it so special. In all of one minute, he explained to me what made the sound unique (beside the self-made guitar) and showed me how to do it. It was so simple...so sweet.  Bill is one of those people who makes you feel more musical just by talking with them. One afternoon after class, he sat with two of my best friends and joked about how he, being White himself, never quite understood why his racial brethren clapped on 1 and 3, and then had such a hard time doing so...and then were so happy when they did it. I heard God when Bill played.

I am still...very confused. Perhaps more than ever. If you ask me what sacred music I like, I can tell you old things: songs from old Black folk like Lonesome Valley above that can make me wail with a pain I've never known...but not much new that officially counts as "Christian".  As my cousin explained when it comes to church music...everyone swears their way is right and there probably isn't anything more personal when it comes to the worship experience.

Hurt feelings and an off morning

Sundays sans church have become weird for me. My alarm went off this morning and was greeted by a lovely case of vertigo. By the time I stumbled out of my bedroom, Melissa Harris Perry's show was on MSNBC.

I'm really enjoying it and hope it has a long life on the channel...it's simultaneously smart, deep, relevant and light, covering everything from the impact of the death of the Notorious B.I.G. to economic policy reform. Harris-Perry, a professor at Tulane, is openly Mormon and liberal. One would expect to to hear explanations of Palm Sunday and quotations from the book of Samuel from more conservative stations, but no, this was happening, and does happen, on the most liberal of the cable news stations. 

I believe Harris-Perry is a bit of a special case...being Black, the world expects her to be a member of the faithful, despite political alliance...and I think she opens up an important door in Christianity. The one labeled "Liberal Christian"...or at least "not-Republican Christian." She facilitates the discussion of faith in politics from a seldom-heard perspective and has kicked off the discussion of how liberals can frame political discussions around faith, an area where they are particularly weak. 

I've watched the Christian Left since their inception as an organization jump, dive and parry with the Christian right over many issues, hoping that, even in their occasional misguided steps (there are quite a few issues and concepts I disagree with them on), they would redirect the focus of what it means to be Christian in America toward something deeper than a shared cultural expereince. I saw this morning's show and discussions of climate change policy as a function of Biblical stewardship as a step in that direction. 

One point she made was in reference to the way Rick Santorum, the candidate with the most religious platform, speaks. She made the very accurate observation that his speech is very much centered around his own people and protecting his own kind. I knew exactly what she was saying.

Why does it ring true for me? Well, I feel a lot of personal dislike for my kind and widespread disregard for humanity in general from the Right. I'm no Democrat, but the all-too-frequent cries of pro-life in the same breath as being pro-war and pro-death sentence strikes me leaves me questioning the party's true overreaching values and unable to see ties to some of the most important and self-sacrificing tenants of Christianity. 

That point though, is still a bit removed. I get reminders every now and then of the hearts of some of those who claim the title of Christianity in my life. Those reminders hurt on multiple levels. The Trayvon Martin case has been the most recent instance. I saw too many people entirely too willing to bear false witness in the form of doctored articles about the dead teen passed around Facebook. Normally, I stay out of these frays. Good seldom comes from detached arguments in cases like these, but one of the pictures passed around was an outright lie and had been outed as such by the creator. I responded briefly to one post, mentioning that it was a fake, and saying that I had learned a lot about all the people around me, Christian, Atheist, Muslim, Black, White, Asian, Gay, Straight and otherwise, by how they responded to the case. The response was that I was too hastily judging and that I couldn't know people's hearts (mind you, I didn't post what I actually thought of anyone). 

I gave that some thought, and I quite confidently believe that to be untrue. Luke 6:45 tells us that "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks". That is where my issue with the Republican party lies...it's deeper than seeing general disdain for people who have my skin color. It lies in the core of policy and attitudes. I still though, do not measure individuals by the groups they align themselves with...people's reasons for joining things are just too broad, and anyone could find many faults with me for being a contributing member of the Christian church...my problem, is that I see callousness in policy and that same callousness in too many Christian individuals who are members of said party. 

I say all that to say that all churches and individuals, The Christian Left and The Christian Right, need to put down the political box they want to put God in. He's much bigger than either side. 

Returning to the Black Church

Sitting in Black and White churches...if I weren't from the US and didn't know better, I might guess they were two different religions.

When I left the church I was raised in 7 years ago, I made it clear to relatives that I wouldn't return "unless someone got married or died", and I've held to that. Recently though, I've had quite a few deaths in my life and subsequently, have been back to a few services. It's been strangely and eerily familiar. The same God, the same Savior, the same book of guidance...but the sights...the sounds. The Black church is so much more restricted in dress and so much less in acquaintance and behavior. I've been gone so long I knew no songs but the most traditional of hymns. I saw faces that were so big a part of my existence they seemed almost ancient. I still don't really know what to think of my feelings upon returning. I don't think I allow myself to make any full emotional judgments...leaving was just too big a deal.

A friend once asked me how I can still attend church knowing all too well the weight of being Black in a predominately White, Christian environment. I told her that I simply don't think I could ever be let down like I was as a child, coming to the full realization of what the safe and welcoming church of my childhood had become. The evisceration of that body marks a loss of innocence that defined more of my life than I think I'll ever realize. 

I have my best ideas after I pray.

I realized that this morning. I got dressed and realized I had a 15 minute window of earliness. I had seen a bunch of cool posts on Facebook and had some work to do on the website I'm starting, so my first thought was to sit down and get going on those...and then I realized that that's exactly the behavior that's gotten me off my regular devotion in the morning. So, instead, I sat down and opened up James.

Afterward, I had three great ideas for the site and some beautiful inspiration for blog posts...and I know why. It's hard to be creative and come up with anything worth working on when your mind is cluttered. As much as I felt spending those 15 minutes with God instead of working on projects would have lost me precious development time, the exact opposite happened, and that's because I was relaxed. I sometimes forget that one of the many benefits of prayer is getting your mind off cares that you have absolutely no control over, and honestly even the ones you do. 

Why Good Christian Bitches doesn't bother me.

No I haven't read it and I probably won't watch it once the show is out. In all honesty, I'm just talking about the title and the premise, which seems to be what's freaking people out the most. Long story short, it's a supposedly comedic and critical work based loosely on the life of a Christian socialite, written by the ex-wife of one of the Gatlin Brothers. I did however, go and read a few of the criticisms and praises and complaints and blogs on it. Of everything I read, nothing bothered me...except the people who were offended. I had to ask why...why are they REALLY upset.

I understand the twinges of pain that come from when your faith is being criticized. I also understand all too well the twinges that come when your culture is being insulted, which is what I really think is sticking in the collective craw. No, not all Christian women are Dallas socialites, but many have little nuggets of aspiration to achieve at least part of that type of life, and many engage in or support the very behavior that's being addressed. That said, I believe many Christians are making a huge mistake in their responses. The concept of an enemy's enemy equaling a friend is one that runs deep across many cultures, and taking offense at the simple use of the word "Christian" or even the criticism of a culture that has decided on Christianity as its religion of choice is effectively validating the equation of "Christian" with, in this case, superficial, catty, soul-crushing, gossipy women. We must be careful to distinguish between our faith being criticized and when a culture is, because what we defend, we condone.

...kind of like that mother that jumps to her child's defense even when they're blatantly wrong.

On a personal level, I realized that I am even more culturally disconnected from the group that's being criticized than I realized. So disconnected that I felt pangs of insult not from the existence of the book itself, but more from the wagons that I know will be circled (and have been circled) in reaction to the work. Yes, Christians are unfair game for ridicule in today's popular culture, but I see very little effort by many Christians to distance themselves from the things that draw the bulk of the ridicule. In a case like this, I do not think the hatred is what was referred to in John 15:18. I don't often hear Christians being criticized for being too peaceful, too joyous, too loving, too faithful, too kind, gentle or self-controlled. (Too abstinent...that I do hear). I will admit though, that my race changes my exposure, because in the US, Blacks are expected to be church-goers...but still, I think the foul being called by Christians is off-base. Nietzsche disliked Christianity for what it is...teachings of caring for the weak and the poor. I see little of that in the mainstream ridicule of Christians today (though it does exist). Instead there is mass criticism, rooted in response to things that need to be cleaned out anyway.

There is an opportunity for Christians at foot. There is an opportunity for Christians to distance ourselves from all the dirt and grime that being the powerful majority in a powerful country can bring. An opportunity to clean house and return to the Christian roots that new Churches in places such as China and India are tending so well. I genuinely wonder if people will stop indulging their umbrage and surprise, and take a look.

Oh, and the "Bitches"? Well, that was changed to "Belles" for the TV series...which I really don't think is much better, just less profane.

Why aren't more Christians talking about Jeremy Lin? (and other surprise believers)

So everybody's got their ways of relaxing. I find schedules particularly constraining, so whenever I need to rebel or relax, even unintentionally, I fall into the same general habit...I stay up late watching TV. My programming of choice being Frasier, Golden Girls and cartoons on Adult Swim. I'll admit, Adult Swim isn't overall the most wholesome programming, but there's some stuff in there you wouldn't be too uncomfortable watching with your parents. So I was dozing off the other night watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Half way between awake and asleep, I heard "Blessed be the Tie that Binds". I figured I had drifted into some Sunday-school inspired throw-back dream, but rolled over to see Frylock (yes, a talking box of french fries) singing in his room.  I'm decently familiar with the series, so I'd watched Frylock, the show's cerebral and rational hub, progress from generic spirituality to a more definite Christian bent. I knew there had to be something behind that and started Googling.

A few clicks later, I learned that one of the show's key animators, also known for other animated shows geared toward adults (Squidbillies, Archer), was Craig Hartin, Christian. I immediately thought...really? Some of those episodes get pretty...rough. He offers some interesting points of view on the matter in an interview he did a while back, talking about everything from how he explains being associated with some very risque content and how he ministers in his world.

A few weeks later, "Linsanity", the current adoration of NBA player, Jeremy Lin, broke out. If you're a non-sports-watcher like me, he's the Taiwanese guy whose record breaking scoring has put the Knicks back on the map. I did some poking around on him and found a rap track by HongKongese (by way of Miami) rapper, Jin, about him. I listened for a while then thought "wait...is he talking about God?" Turns out both Jin and Lin are believers. I really wonder if Christians will give the same attention they give Tim Tebow for his faith...I mean, the man openly gestures to God after he scores and is quite open about his faith too. I doubt an Asian Harvard graduate will translate as well in the US as a hero story though. And honestly, the same goes for Lin and Hartin, though for their own personal reasons.



As my brother says, "we're a diverse group".

Fleeing from Temptation

So in small group, we're taking turns leading. Tonight, one of the guys covered the topic of temptation. I always like hearing him talk...he's honest and open and has some perspective on the Christian life that I don't often get to see. He said a LOT of stuff that had me thinking and reviewing and remembering (and preparing because I'm up next)...but when he got to the part about fleeing from temptation, I thought immediately that I've never really been in a position to do that...then I remembered the most recent "Hot Guy" (from high school to salsa lessons, there always manages to be one around somewhere).

This one was at my gym--and as I'm writing this, I'm terrified that somehow, he might run across this post because that's just how my life works--I saw him before I even made it in the building...he's just one of those guys where you can hear the hotness. Anytime a woman comes in, he's the first thing they notice...even the straight men have crushes on him. Anyway, considering his demeanor, appearance (looks a lot like an old crush from middle school days) and the bond-inducing nature of the martial art I practice, I was on guard right out of the gates. I could easily see myself falling for him and I think he knew too. Sure enough, he offered his body up. Now, I'm not saying that as churchly euphemism for him wanting me to sleep with him. The way he approached me was a subtle, but almost a literal offering of his body.

Sexual temptation isn't a huge issue of mine, but there was something about him...something I knew could draw me in with little effort. I'd felt a calling from God a few months before I joined his gym to get focused on my spiritual growth and I genuinely believe this guy was the reason. I needed to be able to "flee" when the time arose, and flee I did. And it caused issues. Negative reactions on his part that had to be ironed out. Difficulty in scheduling lessons trying to keep optimal distance. I felt nutty at first, questioning whether I was going overboard or overreacting, but I don't think I was. I could have easily positioned myself as Hot Guy's "friend" (something I had a habit of doing earlier in life), but that would have been the equivalent of my walking into an all you can eat dim sum spot while on a diet and promising myself I'd only have two soup dumplings...guaranteed defeat.

From dieting to emotional peace (struggling with that now) to situations like this, it amazes me how far in advance you need to say "no" to avoid temptation. Forget not dipping a toe in the water, sometimes you can't even go to the beach.