Helpmeets, helpmates and introvert burnout

It's been a rough week as an introvert.

We've had visitors at work, which means non-stop interraction...I'm talking from breakfast to lunch to dinner eaten with 27 other people...14 hour days with no alone time on top of presenting, presentations and discussions. I came home Friday feeling traumatized. Too beaten to even sleep. I seriously felt like I'd been assaulted at some internal level. I skipped the gym, fearing additional injury to a back that had been brutalized with 10 hrs of sitting and looked forward to a weekend of isolation...then it hit me Saturday night. Church. I felt panicked. The idea of bringing myself to talk and say hello again just felt like too much to handle. I prayed and mustered up the courage to go, which I'm glad I did, because it gave me perspective on the whole situation. The world of the corporate is really a modern day Charybdis from which I'm generally and thankfully sheltered. I forget sometimes how it can be. One week down, one week to go.

So yeah...the term "helpmeet"...never heard it until reading the comments of some of Mark Gungor's enthusiasts. It sounded a lot like "help mate", which I haven't really heard since the days in the church I was raised in., and honestly, it makes zero sense as a term unto itself. I've been meaning to get into researching the issue of gender equality in Christian marriage, so I had to do some digging.

From what I can see, it looks like it starts with a misunderstanding of the definition of the word "meet". In the phrase "a help meet for Adam", "meet" most likely takes on its second definition (English) which is equal to "fitting" or "proper", so you instead have "a help fitting for Adam". Makes much more sense.

That said, there's a lot of debate around what that word "help" was translated from and whether it even connotes a subservient position. You have the word "help", taken from the Hebrew "ezer"  which can translate to "aid", "protector" or even "defender", followed by "neged" which can mean "in front of" or "parallel to" or a few other things. Having studied four languages in my life, I'm well aware of where debates over translation can go and this one has some decent legs online (Google "ezer kenegdo). I'm not going to make an argument either way on a language I don't come close to understanding.

...I'm not 100% opposed to the idea of the man being head of household, and that's mostly because I'm a strong believer in the concept of servant leadership...a direct result of my business studies, work experience and most importantly because  of the example set by Jesus (you know...the guy who washed his disciples feet?). I've never been one to equate "leadership" with "dictatorship". Servant leadership is a concept developed by Robert Greenleaf and is summed up well here...

"The servant-leader is servant first… It begins with the natural feeling that one wants to serve, to serve first. Then conscious choice brings one to aspire to lead. That person is sharply different from one who is leader first, perhaps because of the need to assuage an unusual power drive or to acquire material possessions…The leader-first and the servant-first are two extreme types. Between them there are shadings and blends that are part of the infinite variety of human nature."
"The difference manifests itself in the care taken by the servant-first to make sure that other people’s highest priority needs are being served. The best test, and difficult to administer, is: Do those served grow as persons? Do they, while being served, become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous, more likely themselves to become servants? And, what is the effect on the least privileged in society? Will they benefit or at least not be further deprived?"

Greenleaf's book was required reading in a management symposium I took and I think everyone...yes, everyone, not just potential leaders, should read this. As a friend of mine says quite frequently "everyone's leading someone". On top of that though, you learn how to recognize those who are leading or want to lead to assuage and acquire. It's a good way to decide who's worth following.

The VP I work under now has been one of the best leadership experiences I've run across in my work life. I respect him and genuinely know he's on my side and will defend and protect my best interests (which he has consulted me on) when necessary. He's given guidance when he had insight and asked my opinion when he knew I had more experience in an area. I've been frank and open with him about my personality, concerns and fears and have been met with acceptance. He seldom tells me what to do...I say seldom, because I'm sure he has, but I don't remember ever actually being given an order...and I think that's because once a level of respect and trust has been established, his final say no longer feels like force.

Everyone in a household should be submitting to someone..children to parents, wife to husband and God, and husband to God and family. I'm always wary of any church, book, or, person that emphasizes the "help mate"/"head of household" teachings to the exclusion of a husband loving his wife as Christ loved the church. That emphasis, I believe reflects a bias that I have yet to see supported by actual Biblical teachings, and not just cultural extrapolations from ancient civilizations. While I don't think the Bible is totally clear on whether so called 50/50 marriages are the way to go, it is, I believe, quite clear, that all out domination is not the intended model. 

10 Myths about Introverts

I ran across this on another blog, and it bears repeating. I remember having each and every one of these labels applied to me as a child in church. I'm hoping people in all circles of life will become more aware of the very basic and elemental differences between introverts and extraverts, and come to see that both are valuable to the church in their own way.

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.

Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

Christians and Job Burnout

 Yeah...so I think I'm officially suffering from job burnout.

A couple months ago I started taking some of those quizzes that seem to be everywhere online, and I tested moderate risk for burnout. I just took another one and I'm up to high risk. It's a little hard for me to believe because I've always associated the condition with working excessive hours (which I haven't been lately)...sure, that's one of the factors that contributes, but there are quite a few others (feeling like you make a difference, interest, feeling like you're part of a team working toward the same goal) that have been weighing on me lately.

Quizzes aside, I'm just tired of doing things. Not sleepy or physically tired...but my will is shot. I used to come home and immediately start my evening workout. I’d cook dinner then move on to some language studies. Next came my nightly 15 minutes of cleaning and that was my evening. I enjoyed it, it kept me energized, and I could watch Spanish news. My life wasn’t perfect, but the setup I had was nice.

Fast forward to today, more than a year after I finished business school. I fully expected to spend my days rested and ready to enjoy life like I did before I added school on top of a full time work schedule. Needless to say, that didn’t happen. I’m still careful to make sure I spend my free time doing things I enjoy…linguistic studies, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, cooking classes...but…it’s hard now. I find myself blanking out while sparring. I don’t want to practice my pronunciation. I find myself shying away from recipes that take too much work.

My first fear was that I was slipping back into the situational depression I believe I experienced in my first job out of undergrad, but that's not it either...I don't have even the slightest taste of the hollow hopelessness that came with that trip.

I thought that maybe I wasn’t sleeping enough. I never do honestly, but I decided to make sure I was getting at least 8 hrs a night. Strangely, I was still waking up tired, while on weekends, I felt fine after only six hours of sleep.

My next solution was a vacation. I took a week and a half around the holidays, hoping it would help from the traumatic introduction I had to my current assignment, but it was horrible. I spent the entire time short of breath, chest tight, checking to make sure my inhaler was close by.

So I ran to the internet to find some inspiration…some other Christians who’d struggled with the same issue. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t find much. It's kind of sad how little advice there is for Christians suffering from job burnout. Most of what I've seen mimics what you find on secular sites, replacing "your family and friends" with "your faith and relationship with God." Sometimes you find advice to find a new job, make your current work environment better or to determine what you need out of life.

I’m not going to complain too much though, because even looking back on job issues I've overcome only through faith and divine intervention, I can't find much advice to give others but the trite, and somewhat dismissive "pray about it" and "listen to God". A friend of mine currently going through cancer treatments said something to me recently...he mentioned how painful it was to hear people simplify what he needs to do to get through his struggles, even if they'd been through similar situations themselves.

***Update***
I've decided to turn my struggles into something more, so if you suffer through the same issues, check out my newest blog-venture that will hopefully help you out some.

I'm guessing a lot of authors out there are trying to avoid that. 

Counting Smilings

So I've been sick for the past couple of weeks. Not normal sick...no. When I catch a cold, it generally turns into a sinus infection...which means I can't lie down...which means I can't sleep properly...which means everything gets thrown off. I was an hour late for work for a week. I slept through my alarm for church. I missed two weeks at the gym, which I am now paying for.

So yeah, I spent multiple, consecutive nights wide awake at 2am, sneezing and making friends with my neti pot. A generally annoying and miserable situation. But...sitting there...I found glimmers of enjoyment watching cartoons and playing scrabble online with friends in other time zones. (just a tip, don't play scrabble while sick and sleep deprived. You WILL lose. Multiple times.)

Today I really got to thinking about the little blessings that come in the middle of negative situations. I was in between two stressful conference calls at work and a friend sent me an IM about his stamp collection. No big deal, but it was one of those situations where you find out something new and interesting about someone you've known a long time. I smiled instantly. Having that little glimpse of a reminder of a great blessing in my life washed away loads of stress.

2010 was a bumpy year for me. It was supposed to be a quiet, down year, recovering from the drain of grad school. I tried extending myself in new directions and honestly, I left even more tired and a bit disappointed that I didn't travel internationally. Work picked up. My efforts to try more extroverted activities in areas that I'm already interested stressed me something awful. Through that though, I've developed an even keener eye for the little bright things that shine through the clouds in my life.