Why aren't churches hooking up more singles?

On an online Christian forum last night, I read a particularly heart-felt post from a lady, who'd noticed how many unpaired people, both male and female, there were at a New Year's service at a very prominent church in the American South. She asked why churches weren't doing more to get their singles together. Responders to the post echoed the same sentiment, complaining that singles Bible studies didn't do enough to encourage couple-hood and that they were instead, run by "marrieds", dolling out the usual "be patient" and "this is all part of God's plan", to which one poster replied "walk a mile in my shoes". (I've personally heard more of the opposite...singles studies and activities turning into perpetual, drama-filled, Bible-based dating games)

At first thought, I felt as if I were more than qualified, because I have walked a mile or two in the shoes of singleness, but I've come to know that it comes in different forms, with people single for different reasons. I fall more toward the end of the "Single by choice" spectrum...not shunning partnership, but not endlessly pining for it either. It's hard for me to genuinely understand, but I know that there are Christians that deeply want to be married or don't want to be single anymore. I don't know if I'll ever understand, but I can sympathize.

That said, I do not believe it is the responsibility of churches to actively get their singles together. To do so is to imply that everyone should be coupled, or that everyone that WANTS to be married, should be. I do, though, believe that the church has certain responsibilities to singles:

1) To provide an environment that is "safe" for them. Basically, an environment where they can be single, without being accused of whatever short-comings people tend to believe "cause" singleness or left out of church activities.

2) To provide an environment that does not pity singlehood. The more it's pitied, the easier it is to view this lifestyle as something negative. It's not. It's a period where you have more room in your life for other people than if you were married.

3) To provide an environment that does not trivialize single life as a pass-through period of life. Whether you marry at 18, 30, 65 or never, being single isn't marriage's waiting room.

4) To encourage singles to take care of themselves as individuals, not just in preparation for marriage. Staying fit is about honoring the body you've been given, not just attracting, or pleasing a potential mate.

5) To create an environment where singles CAN get to know each other.

6) To maintain lines of communication between marrieds and singles. Yes, the two lifestyles do have aspects of them that should not be actively shared, but both have ideas and opportunities to offer each other, and shouldn't be completely segregated.

I also believe there is a duty to acknowledge that the title "single" also includes divorced people, separated people, those who have lost a spouse and possibly, even those who are attending church without their spouse.

The importance of friends

I was talking to a couple of friends after Bible study a couple nights ago, and we were talking about activities that have been productive in our lives and ones we enjoy. We're doing Peter, and had spoken briefly about how important it is to create bonds between people, and how that in turn, is how you make real changes in your life.

My mind's been on that topic quite a bit lately, and I'm realizing that it's important not only to have supportive people who want to see you grow in your life...not just to keep positivity around, but because there are many times in life, many things you'll have to do, where the people around you won't be positive, or supportive, or may just generally not care about you. Because of that, I want to say thanks for some of my friends and why they're a positive influence on me.

My frugal friends
People underestimate how much influence friends have on your spending habits. Having friends that aren't interested in driving luxury cars, are happy to have dinner together for a Christmas gift and are just as big as I am on traveling inexpensively is great.

My spiritual friends
This is a mix of new and old. These are the people who hear all my spiritual woes and highs. The ones that share revelations they've had and struggles they're going through. From a Ravi Zacharias weekend to  feedback on this blog.


My brainy friends
These don't let me get intellectually stagnant. They don't watch reality TV (or much TV at all for that matter). They read, they question, they think, they share and discuss. They keep me up on the worlds of education, art, business, science and technology. Kind of like the pre-Twitter Twitter feed.

My healthy friends
These are relatively new, but they're making me change the way I see my physical health. They (gently) encourage me to do more, eat better and live in a way that honors my body. I think of them a lot when eating and going about my day, and just knowing what they would do makes me make small changes in my life that are adding up.

The coolest thing is that a lot of the people in my life cross multiple categories.

I figured this was a good video to add for this post. It's one of my favorite songs, but the video's hilarious. Now...Joe Cocker...

A friend of mine just told me that he's dying.

And he meant it. He said it with more finality than I'd say "I'm going to work tomorrow". He said it in a way that wiped the "are they sure?" or "have you prayed about it?" out of my mouth. I asked instead how he was doing emotionally. He's doing very well.

Death is an odd subject as you get older. Not in the sense that you're getting closer to your own experience with it (though you are), but I'm noticing that after you crack 30, people are more open and honest in sharing their thoughts on it. Being Black American, I've experienced my lot. I have a large family and people die all the time. We joke about it. There's laughter at funerals. It's just another part of life. There's no lower age limit for attendance. They're like weddings. We have funeral traditions. Certain songs are sung.  Specific cemeteries are chosen. After-parties. I was averaging 3 funerals a year for a while. But still, death is beginning to seem very new to me.

My grandmother's been planning hers for...35 years now. She didn't think she'd make it this far, but she's still going. I think after a certain age, death isn't what people fear...nope. You know it's coming. If not in the form of disease or tragic accident, the sheer limit of human longevity eventually catches up with you. As much as I know she's ready to go, I know there's one lingering fear left. And that's leaving us, her loved ones, behind. I wonder if that fear ever goes away.

Christianity and Martial Arts

All my life I've wanted to study a martial art. Being the non-athlete that I am, I just figured it was outside of my reach. After finishing undergrad and rethinking who I was and what I "could" try, I decided I was going to take up the practice of...something...I just had no idea what. 

I looked into kung fu, tai chi, jeet kun do, krav maga...all kinds of arts. Besides price and availability, I ran into one big impediment to practice. Some arts do contain a spiritual element, and though I read testimony of many Christians that practice internal arts, I was never quite comfortable. That's not to say it's not possible, but it wasn't going to work for me.

During my search, I ran into a lot of Christian MMA and BJJ organizations. I couldn't figure out why so many Christians were drawn to what appears to be such a brutal sport. I eventually ended up practicing Brazilian jiu jitsu (an art many MMA fighters train in) after stumbling across it in a search for a muay thai school...both external arts...and I think the internal/external question is a key element in the link between martial arts and religion. 

Shaolin Monk

An interesting theory I read on a forum once...that external arts like jiu jitsu and muay thai are better suited to Christianity because of its core teaching of separation from the body...contrast that with a physical practice like yoga (connected with the practice of Hinduism), that teaches enlightenment through a deepened connection with the physical. So, if you're punching someone in the face, you're causing harm to the actual spiritual being. 

There's a quote from George Foreman thrown around...after he was asked how he, as a Christian, could practice such an aggressive art. He responded that none of it was done in anger. After spending some time with MMA fighters, I'm inclined to believe that. They are some of the most "slow to anger" people I've ever run into. It's really got me thinking why, even in the internal arts, are they so frequently practiced by monks and holy men.

The God Delusion Debate - Richard Dawkins vs John Lennox

I love seeing rational, smart Christians. This is a nice preview of a debate between two big names in the world of atheism and religion. I love hearing Lennox speak. He's a professor of mathematics at Oxford. It strikes me how he's simultaneously smart and able to be light in his communication.

How old was Elizabeth when she was pregnant?

I don't run across many topics that I can't dig up an answer for, but this one has me lost. I've dug around, and can't find how old Elizabeth was when she was pregnant with John. I ran across 88, but in a source other than the Bible.


Luke 1:36
Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month.


How old IS "old" anyway? It must have been pretty up there for it to be used as an example to Mary of God's power to transcend natural law. 

You can't share what you don't know you have...

Man...the message at church this morning was one of those that had my mind and heart whirling. A LOT jumped out at me, but there was one that stood out and got me thinking down a lot of conduits in my life.

The message was about love, and my pastor mentioned that he'd been assuming, until recently, that the bulk of the all the gifting and effort around Christmas was motivated by love, as opposed to other things. 

I've made some serious assumptions about the people around me myself. I've been profoundly blessed with healthy, positive, supportive and long-lasting relationships. Not saying I don't have some rotten ones hanging on and popping up every now and again, but the good ones create the foundation of my life...and when you have something that's too constant, it's WAY easier to forget it's even there. Kind of like oxygen or a heartbeat. Doesn't sound like too big a deal, but forgetting blessings doesn't just mean I'm shorting God some thanks. When I forget the beauty of what I have, I forget what I have to share with others. 

...and I tend to assume they have the same things I do. Every week I realize a bit more how much this world of business can deprive its members of healthy, relationship based lives. How much "time off with friends and family" is just something to be scheduled, checked off, and recounted for a few minutes the morning back after a vacation. It's not just an expectation, it's a part of the culture. Rejecting that culture will cause loss. It will. The system just isn't set up to let people have it both ways. It benefits from people who are willing to sacrifice relationships and personal health. 

It's nice though, to see more options in telecommuting and job design so that people can satisfy their roles as workers but not lose touch with the communities that they're a part of.