Back and Doing the Entrepreneur Thing

I haven't posted in a while. I've been wandering a bit spiritually and honestly, didn't want to share too much of that here. I've left my church of eight years...it was hard, but necessary in sparing myself the bitterness that comes from being an outsider in an insider congregation. I've tasted that before in staying too long in the church I was raised. I know not to make that mistake of fear again.

That said, things are quite bright! My job has degraded from bad to saddeningly ludicrous. I've had to question and revisit my sense of self, my identity as a "worker" and an organizational participant to survive. Through all these years, I've been blessed not only with the drive, idea, resources and emotional motivation (I'm kinda done with the word "passion"...it's a bit played isn't it?) to start, and sustain a teeny-tiny business. That is what I'm going to write on, at least for a while.

Christian entrepreneurship is strange. I'd prefer to call myself an Entrepreneurial Christian because honestly, I see what the Church does with business. I see how it, and religious groups have picked up the very Western attitude of businessman-as-savior and dislike it. I dislike it precisely because I know it. My MBA studies were warmer and fuzzier than most, but business is the applied science of people, and science is inherently cold and calculated.

My business is also in the world. There is nothing inherently "churched" about it. I deal with Buddhists and Atheists and pan-theists on a daily basis...getting in their heads, talking their ideas of community and watching how they deal with people. Somehow, I've found encouragement in my faith as a Christian, not just as a "good person", but as a Christian, in working with them. I've also met believers so amazing it makes my heart sing.

It's been hard...and amazing. I see more difficult decisions, more scary steps, more emotional ups and downs coming...but that's part of the deal...and I cannot thank God enough for that moment, when, in a moment of panicked threat to my health (spurred on by my doctors warning that a bacterial infection I had could kill me in a few days), he reached it, blew away the fog of my fears, and reminded me, how scary my own good can sometimes be. 

Celibacy outside of the church

A close Christian friend of mine came out to me years ago. Not as gay, but as asexual. She talked of her challenges of not wanting sexual contact, and the expectations of that even within the church. Another friend of mine just sent me this article about Tim Gunn coming out as asexual and the fact that he hasn't had sex in 29 years.  I was floored by the reactions. He was "gross" and unnatural. I'm still in disbelief. How is someone gross for not having sex? Am I revolting because I'm sitting here right now just typing?

The whole discussion made me think back to what she dealt with...feeling like she had to be in a relationship with a sexual component because of social pressures...feeling like she had to be in a relationship at all because of church (and social) pressures...not knowing how to navigate advances from men, Christian or otherwise. It reminded me of how shallow the discussion of sexuality is, both inside and outside the Church. 

1 in 5 non-Christians don't personally know any Christians.

That stat came from this article on Christianity Today. Their conclusion as to why? Existing populations don't reach out into new communities.

We're just too comfortable. Too comfortable in our habits and our celebrations. Too comfortable in the kinds of parties we throw and the language we use. Too comfortable in our friendships and our relationships. This is why that statistic is what it is. Christians in the US have the unique blessing of living in a country that has not only the legal and social framework needed to breakdown the ugly, separatist nature of humanity, but also immigration patterns that create environments ripe for interaction...but most of us stay comfortable. We squander the opportunity for people to see what the life of a person working out their faith looks like up close, on a day to day, human level.

I read quite a bit of Seth Godin and he talks about the "lizard brain" a lot. It's that part of your brain that wants food, shelter, that second slice of pizza when you're on a diet. It's the one that keeps you from starting an exercise program, speaking in public or taking a leap into an uncomfortable new project. That's...all that's going on here.  

It's not about sex.

I really didn't think I'd be back to writing about singleness, but blogging is funny.

I went to a private school up through 8th grade. We had all the talks about no sex before marriage and STDs and teenage pregnancy. Twenty years later in life and the discussion around sex for single adults doesn't seem much more sophisticated. I've seen rejections of the idea that the Bible prohibits sex before marriage, and thankfully, have read more personal discussions of the reality of chastity. Still though, when I think of actual, applicable advice in navigating potentially sexual relationships, I'm not coming up with much advice...sad, because married and committed folk could likely benefit from a more honest discussion too.

I train in a martial art. Brazilian jiu jitsu to be exact. If you talk to anyone that's stuck with it a while, they'll mention the difficulty, the physical closeness, MMA, but universally, you'll hear about the bonds. Father to son, woman to woman, stranger to stranger, everyone mentions how training has helped them connect with a spouse, reconnect with a child or find a new or second family. None of that is accidental. BJJ, in all its closeness and difficulty, provides an environment of physical and emotional openness that fosters fast bonding. Safety+Vulnerability=Connection. It's just how humans work. It's why people in this photographer's experiment felt closer after just ten minutes of posing together. It happens even with people you don't like.

The sport is 90% male, so as a single, heterosexual female of reproductive age, all of that has created some interesting circumstances--particularly with three guys on my team. Like I mentioned before, BJJ puts you in a position where you develop a physical, non-sexual as well as an emotional intimacy with your training partners. You learn to listen to their breath and heartbeat to read their physical state and intent. I still remember the first time I sat with my ear on a teammate's bare chest, listening to his breath, trying to decipher when he might attack. I've come to accept that they squeeze, grab and touch all the parts of my body that I hide and accentuate with clothing. The bodily functions of gas, odor, sweat, bleeding, drool, menstruation, shedding hairs...they're all out there and everyone has to accept them, and the vast majority of the time, it's done in acceptance. It's all honestly one big study in breaking down cultural norms. There is no personal space. Respectfulness comes from behavior, not so much from restraining bodily processes. You watch each other get angry, frustrated, cry, lose, win, fall down, get back up, and again, and almost always do so with an attitude toward personal growth. You're left, stripped down of all sophistication and pretense, to be beaten down and humbled, again and again; and in that humility, accepted, again and again. It is almost impossible to do that...to be vulnerable and hurt and then met with safety and acceptance, and not connect with someone. Which brings us back to the three guys.

Four years into training and I haven't been involved with anyone at the gym. (It's advice I give to any woman training, regardless of her attitudes toward sex because, if you want to continue training in an already difficult and delicate environment, sex makes things tricky.) That said, sexual intimacy is just the icing on the cake. Things can go WAY awry before then...

• Hot Guy: No need to beat around the bush...this is the guy that EVERYONE notices. Not one straight woman in the gym, single, married or otherwise, hasn't commented on his physique. I remember when I first signed up and saw him walking across the parking lot...he has an intensity about him that's almost audible. He is very alpha and I noticed him noticing me. I decided immediately that this would not be an issue--not "I won't sleep with this guy" but instead, "I will not interact with him on a level that conveys interest". So no flirting, kidding, playful touching. The third class, I was working technique on the mat and heard a loud "snap". I looked up and saw him, just having whipped a towel, standing in his underwear, staring at me intensely. Considering the environment, that's not quite as out of place as it sounds, but his message was clear. Didn't matter though. Didn't matter that he was single. My lines were drawn well before he decided to flaunt his abs. Friendship happens though, and today, we talk, both at the gym and outside, but that's it. I've learned to not be so extreme as to not connect with men who I may be wary of, but I know the lines.  
• Married Guy: He's basically Hot Guy, but taller, more muscular and with a more engaging personality. Everybody loves him. I was instantly attracted to him, but kept my distance...not because of some extreme holiness, I just know that you never know the circumstances of anyone in a gym. A couple of months after he started training, he awkwardly introduced me to his wife. I'm very glad he did, because while he may be married, his door is quite open. Men who aren't directly open to cheat on their partners...you can feel that a door is closed, even if there's an attraction. I haven't known Married Guy as long, but I limit my interactions. While I'm open to having and have had long phone conversations with Hot Guy, Married Guy isn't something I can toy with on that level, precisely because there is attraction from my end too. 
• Buddy: A constant conundrum. He's not my type physically and vice versa, but he is a fellow INTJ and we clicked instantly and easily, which, for our personality type, is rare, so it results in a honeymoon of friendship. It's a relief to meet someone who thinks, feels and processes the world like you do, so you begin to share in and celebrate that relief with each other. We've spent hours on the phone discussing frustrations, food and music (he's a foodie and musician too), school, business, life and BJJ. We text literally every day. When I met him, he had a girlfriend...one I didn't like much. That aside though, I know myself and my natural penchant to playing semi-girlfriend and the personal pain that comes with that. I've managed my connection with him very carefully. When he first broke up with his girlfriend, I was reluctant to accept invitations to dinners that would have been innocuous with anyone else. They've separated again, likely permanently, but for my own sake, I didn't allow myself to be a support system. When he came to me asking advice as to whether he should stay with her, I remained neutral on the subject. I believe it's part of the reason that now, we have a viable and growing friendship. While there are still awkward moments, I very much appreciate our relationship for what it is. 

I wrote this post mostly for myself, but also because I've met many Christian women struggling with relationship statuses with the men around them. These struggles are the pre-cursors to many of the affairs, pre-marital sex, bad relationships  and out of wedlock children that the church bemoans so, but seems to be missing the mark when it comes to getting at the root of the problem. It ties in a bit to my previous post about churches not offering much emotional safety or support to single women. Without that, many women find themselves looking elsewhere for this support, and it's a difficult field to navigate. 

Churches as a safe place

I was thinking this weekend how important my gym is to me. Being single means that you definitely have to fulfill your need for safe, supportive interactions in places other than romantic relationships. For me, one of those places is my gym. One of those places is not my workplace. When there is an upset at the gym, or the guys are off because of a loss, it disturbs me. I expect safety and a measure of  support. I've come to realize I've learned not to expect that at church.

We're reading the book Boundaries in the college group, and the chapter we did last week talked of how important it is for the church to be a safe place to singles and widows/widowers. Tonight, only one girl was able to make it. She's an obvious introvert. She told me about how she was teased to the point of tears about being quiet. This just shouldn't happen. I have a lot to say on the matter, but I think it's all summed up by saying that churches don't spend enough time teaching/encouraging people to be decent and not be bullies. It shows in our behavior both inside, and outside of the church walls. 

American Christian Privilege and 33 Examples

I ran across the list at the bottom of 33 examples of Christian privilege in the US (I believe it was from the Christian Left). I'm not gonna lie...I hear Christians in the US complain of their disenfranchisement and how they're the only group that can be ridiculed without penalty and it sticks in my craw...mostly because I run into much more discomfort from being Black or an introvert or a woman than I do from being Christian. I've said before that this is possibly because Black people are expected to be Christians in the US, so I'm "normal", but even having distanced myself quite thoroughly from the Black Church, I still have the benefit of ubiquitous Christian advantages.

I've been reminded of this lately in two recent outings to restaurants. Mind you, I don't live in the Bible belt. I live in South Florida where "only" 78% of people describe themselves as Christian. I lead a weekly Bible study at a local Panera Bread. It's next to a Planned Parenthood and, until recently, a Starbucks. I'd say that qualifies the area as pretty liberal. In one night, we ran into two separate Bible study groups holding meetings in the same restaurant. We still see one of those groups on a regular basis. Then, just last night, I had my first trip to Chipotle with the agility coach at my gym. Next to us were two men discussing ministry and missions. I guarantee you that I've never seen this happen with any other religion. I feel much more accepted in the US for my faith, than I do for my skin color, and if that changes, so be it. I'll have to grow to another opportunity to "count it all joy".

I hate to say it, but I really think Christians in the US are spoiled, and that all the hand wringing isn't so much about a rejection of God, but more discomfort in the rejection of culture. In Googling that stat on Palm Beach County, I ran across this article, in which, they responded to the 78% with this...

What does this mean about your life as a Christian...?  The obvious answer is that with such ungodliness around us, we must not let up.

Now...I'm a member of a minority that makes up about 12% of the population, so reading someone interpreting 78% as "only", leaves me scratching my head. I know privilege when I see it because I live in disadvantage too. I go to stores, restaurants, meetings, events (church too) frequently where I am simply the only Black person in the room. Rooms that ask me strange questions about my hair, assume I don't have a father present, that make jokes about the current President, that consider me a brunette...For me to see 12% of a room looking like me would be a cause for celebration! The teasing of Christians pales in comparison to insults I see against people of my race. I can do nothing but assume that people who find 78% to be a cause for alarm are simply used to being 100%, and that, in and of itself, is definitely privilege.

*Edit: To clarify, Christian persecution outside of the US is occurring at rising rates. I personally believe that part of that is because of the actual growth of Christianity into new areas."

I'm not saying that US is headed in a more Christian direction (I don't think it ever genuinely started on one). What I am saying, is that Christians of all races need to start embracing challenge for the blessing that it is. I firmly believe that the church suffers heavily because it has intentionally integrated culture and the traditions of men deeply into its walls, that it defends them now, and that some rejection is a good thing. I believe that is important, because I've come to be convinced that being willing to walk away from your culture is a sacrifice one must be willing to make to follow Christ...even if that culture does reference some vaguely Biblical ideas.

Oh! Those privileges...

1. You can expect to have time off work to celebrate religious holidays.
2. Music and television programs pertaining to your religion’s holidays are readily accessible.
3. It is easy to find stores that carry items that enable you to practice your faith and celebrate religious holidays.
4. You aren’t pressured to celebrate holidays from another faith that may conflict with your religious values.
5. Holidays celebrating your faith are so widely supported you can often forget they are limited to your faith (e.g. wish someone a “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Easter” without considering their faith).
6. You can worship freely, without fear of violence or threats.
7. A bumper sticker supporting your religion won’t likely lead to your car being vandalized.
8. You can practice your religious customs without being questioned, mocked, or inhibited.
9. If you are being tried in court, you can assume that the jury of “your peers” will share your faith and not hold that against you in weighing decisions.
10. When swearing an oath, you will place your hand on a religious scripture pertaining to your faith.
11. Positive references to your faith are seen dozens of times a day by everyone, regardless of their faith.
12. Politicians responsible for your governance are probably members of your faith.
13. Politicians can make decisions citing your faith without being labeled as heretics or extremists.
14. It is easy for you to find your faith accurately depicted in television, movies, books, and other media.
15. You can reasonably assume that anyone you encounter will have a decent understanding of your beliefs.
16. You will not be penalized (socially or otherwise) for not knowing other people’s religious customs.
17. Your faith is accepted/supported at your workplace.
18. You can go into any career you want without it being associated with or explained by your faith.
19. You can travel to any part of the country and know your religion will be accepted, safe, and you will have access to religious spaces to practice your faith.
20. Your faith can be an aspect of your identity without being a defining aspect (e.g., people won’t think of you as their “Christian” friend)
21. You can be polite, gentle, or peaceful, and not be considered an “exception” to those practicing your faith.
22. Fundraising to support congregations of your faith will not be investigated as potentially threatening or terrorist behavior.
23. Construction of spaces of worship will not likely be halted due to your faith.
24. You are never asked to speak on behalf of all the members of your faith.
25. You can go anywhere and assume you will be surrounded by members of your faith.
26. Without special effort, your children will have a multitude of teachers who share your faith.
27. Without special effort, your children will have a multitude of friends who share your faith.
28. It is easily accessible for you or your children to be educated from kindergarten through post-grad at institutions of your faith.
29. Disclosing your faith to an adoption agency will not likely prevent you from being able to adopt children.
30. In the event of a divorce, the judge won’t immediately grant custody of your children to your ex because of your faith.
31. Your faith is taught or offered as a course at most public institutions.
32. You can complain about your religion being under attack without it being perceived as an attack on another religion.
33. You can dismiss the idea that identifying with your faith bears certain privileges.

*8, 17 and 20 are a little weak, but the rest are spot on.

Edit: I'd like to add 34...kind of related to 15 but...if I tell someone I'm a Christian, they may form hyperbolic views, but those views are usually based on pretty accurate information, and they have a good idea of what I will and won't do (I don't get asked to things much on Sundays, people know I don't want to go to strip clubs or bars). I've seen people from other religions have to do endless explaining before people are even close to correct. 

Christians don't need heroes: Rick Warren and "Chrislam"

I'm way removed from Christian pop-culture. Like, way removed. Removed to the point where, right now, I'd like to make a reference to a band that someone mentioned and I was completely unaware of, and I can't. In all seriousness, DC Talk was the last "big" group I was aware of on the White side of American Christianity. On the Black side...Mary Mary and Donnie Mcclurkin, and I only knew about those because I dated a guy who was into them.

I'm a bit of a Luddite when it comes to pop-culture in general. I'm not up on reality TV, or car models, and as much as I like jewelry and fashion, I care more about what I'm expressing personally than I do any trend...which is why the (apparently year old) freak out over Rick Warren and "Chrislam" is difficult for me to relate to.

I sometimes feel I should be more up on trends in Christianity...I sometimes feel guilty for staring blankly at someone's excitement at getting tickets to see the newest big pastor or Christian super-group. I know Shaun King and Carlos Whittaker, but only through my personal followings of their Twitter accounts. I'm starting to feel less guilty for my distance, because I don't feel I lose much connection to other Christians by being off-trend. And watching the Rick Warren deal, I think there is more to be lost by following them too closely. The disappointment I read in just a few blog responses was, well, disappointing. It reminded me of my recent disappointment in reading up on G.K. Chesterton's treatment of African's and Jews in his work. That was a good reminder though...if I'm feeling disappointment at realizing that another human is, well, human, I've started losing perspective.

I've been struggling with this a lot lately. Watching my Facebook feed and the stark contrast of the reactions of leaders and friends to the striking down of DOMA...it makes me sad...sad and tired...not because these things shouldn't be addressed or discussed by the church, but that I know that it is issues like these that give birth to denominations in the church...something I think we should be anything but proud of.

Christians don't need heroes or flags or teams. We have a savior. I'm coming to believe that the Tim Tebows, Rick Warrens and T.D. Jake's of the world are just crutches-important and useful when you need them, but for the most part are just distractions from a deeper and richer perspective of Jesus.